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Old 02-14-2006, 08:47 PM   #1
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Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Long story short.

I have always been very independent, hard working, and have been a single mother for 6 years now. Son is 11.
4 years ago I started dating my boyfriend. Valentine's Day of last year he proposed and I accepted. I had been off medical leave for 6 months (had surgery on my cervical spine for a herniated disc) and back to work when he popped the question. I still had pain, of course, but never expected anything like this to happen so I said yes.
I got put back off work in May for severe pain from my neck injury. October this flare up hit me and I have been unable to return to work *long story there*
Anyhow since the last part of Oct I have had no (and I do mean NO) income what-so-ever. He works 6 days a week and hands me his check. He is a wonderful person that treats me like a princess and treats my son like he were his own.

We are suppose to get married this summer. He's pretty upset that I haven't made any plans yet. I tell him it's because I'm in so much pain, which isn't a complete lie but I'm starting to have second thoughts.

I don't know what to expect of myself and my body any more. At times I feel like a burden although he never gives me a reason to feel that way. He says it doesn't matter what's wrong with me he's here to stay.

Is it normal to feel this way? I love him dearly and want him to enjoy life and as much as I want to enjoy it with him.....I'm scared I won't be able to. I have brought this up a time or two and he gets really upset when I do. He doesn't understand how I feel. Does anyone else?

Has fibro changed any of your relationships, either in a positive or negative way? Are feelings of guilt par for the course? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 
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Old 02-15-2006, 02:24 AM   #2
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Guilty feelings? Who? Any of us? Just most days. DH and I were togetherabout 12 years before fibro. We do have times when he kinda complains either about the house, little sex me not feeling like doing anything. Then I feel guilty and hurt and angry.
We also have days where he relly worries about how bad I feel or how tired I am. Telling me he'll cook or bring something home.
We used to just go riding around out in the country. Or we'd cuddle and watch t.v., or can together, cook together, work in the garden together.
If you're really worried he may not be able to be in it for the laong haul I'd say postpone the wedding to give yourself a chance to get over this feeling and to give him a chance to to have more time to see what it all about. Main thing is good communication. We do understand. Try to explain that these feelings are not about not having enough faith in him or in your love but that you know anyone at all in a relationship and either of the people have a chronic illness that prevents them from being just the way they've always been they way they themselves are used and the way the other person is used to, that it all adds stress to the people and the relationship and that you want to try to make sure that you are being fair to you both but that you still love him deeply. Let him know that you yourself is still trying to get used to the new and unimproved you. May be that part he'll understand.
April

 
Old 02-15-2006, 04:04 PM   #3
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Sugar you love him and he loves you. He knows about your pain and ups and downs with fibro. He doesn't care if you have fibro. He isn't in love with your fibro he is in love with YOU. Remember fibro is NOT who we are, it is what we have. The man loves you and your son and takes care of you both. Life is a 'crap shoot' no matter how you look at it and having someone who cares about you and is willing to go the distance with you and is asking you to go the distance with him is a wonderful thing. Ups and downs happen in life and relationships it doesn't matter if you are athletes, beauty queens or have fibro. It is what it is! Give yourself, the man you love and your son a chance to go the distance.

Just my humble opinion, but to answer your question no it has not changed my relationship with my hubby in any way just as his cancer did not change our relationship. Remember there are no guarantees in life. And no I do not feel guilty, this is a partnership we both give what we have to give. Sometimes I give more, sometimes he gives more it is the way it is suppose to work.

OK I will get off my soapbox. I just felt you were selling yourself a little short.

Glojer

 
Old 02-16-2006, 07:49 AM   #4
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

hi sugar,
i want to respond in a way that is helpful. you asked for all aspects. i had been in a relationship for 6 years when fibro came to live with me. after 10 years of trying to find a way to make it work i called it quits. please understand i chose a man not worth keeping. he had so many issues of his own he really had to be the center of attention at all times. my getting fibro meant that i had to focus on me too. the first time i was too sick to have sex and said no, also the first time i ever said no to sex, the change started. as i was able to be less and less what he needed the rift grew and his mental instability grew more pronounced. he became verbally abusive and finally chased me down one day. i let it go too far.
i am single now and i will stay that way. i am past 50 and my kids are grown.
i do think it is vital to sit down and talk to him. if he gets upset, it is something to think about. this subject should not upset him. there is something he is not saying. it really is important to discuss. just as important as a young couple talking about if they want children and where they will live after they marry. having fibro is like having an out of control child, yes? takes up alot of time and energy. education and communication beforhand may save you both many hurt moments later. love is a magical emotion. to be loved, such a wonderous gift.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 02-20-2006, 08:32 AM   #5
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Hello Sugar,

Well, what can I add to what our wonderful ladies have already said. My own story is like this. I have quite a few medical problems and I have physical disabilities. I also have a wonderful man who I met whilst I had all of this going on, my fibro came later. I married this wonderful man. I have tried to make it easier for my husband on a few occasions when things have been so very serious for me healthwise, and I have had the same reaction as you have had with your darling man. He's here for the duration hee hee !!

I am not making light of this at all, I rarely open up to people but I am doing so to help you with your dilemma and ultimate decision. I am just saying that love has a funny way of coming and biting us on the bum (US butt). I can't now do a lot of things I could do when I met my husband, my day to day life is very restricted in that I can't walk very well, I can't use my arms and hands very well and I can't go out on my own to the store or anything like that. Housework is something that I used to pride myself on, now I am looking into getting a lady in.

Oh so many things have changed in my life since I met and married my husband, but the one thing that has remained constant is our love. We have gone through all of this together and we have supported and loved each other. We are there for each other. I always think that if it was the other way around, no question of where I would be - by his side.

What you are doing and feeling is human nature. You must sit, as Blue has said, and talk about all of this. You cannot make or break a relationship unless you are clear and honest about what you want out of it. Our dearest friend Glojer has just come through a very, very hard time and the love she and her darling husband share is wonderful and to me personally a gift that is a shining example of true love.

None of us knows what is around the corner. I am reading betwen the lines of your post in my own way. You love your man heaps and you do want to be with him, but you are frightened that he might up and leave you if things change. He has seen the unwell you now, and he still wants to marry you and to be a father to your son. I honestly don't think your man is for changing, but as I said i agree with Blue, you need to sit him down and tell him your fears and ask him straight out about his fears. Even playing field then.

Best of luck and please let us know how things go after you sit and have a good talk together.

Take care

goldenwings
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Last edited by goldenwings; 02-20-2006 at 08:35 AM.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 02:12 PM   #6
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Dear Sugar,

Marriage is just like Fibro, it has it's ups and downs and everything is trial and error.

I don't mean to discourage you, but, unlike the rest of these wonderful ladies, my story is different. I've been married for going on 19 years. After the birth of my first daughter 16 years ago, the symptoms began. He tried to be caring, I guess as much as he could....he was busy being a Marine...after four years and I guess his tolerance level, I got a diagnosis and that's when he decided that there was no such thing as Fibro. He hasn't believed it since, and I refuse to discuss any illness with him. I will be having surgery soon (hysterectomy) and I don't think I'll let him go to the hospital with me. He thinks I'm just lazy, may have something wrong with my back, but just lazy. He told me that when I was kicked off SSDI, that if they'd have asked him, he'd of told them I was just being lazy, that I shouldn't be on disability.

I often wonder if we've ever been on the same page. Let him hurt or be sick tho, and watchout.

You are the only one that can make up your mind about this man. You know him better than anyone. It sounds to me like he really loves you, I don't know many men today that come home and hand over their paycheck to anyone.

Good luck on your journey.

aaronon

 
Old 02-20-2006, 02:24 PM   #7
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

dear aaron,
tell hubby fibro is an illness not a religion. belief or disbelief is beside the point. you don't have to believe in it to get it. if that were so none of us would have fibromyalgia.
and sis, you will love the way you feel about a year after the hysterectomy. all surgery takes time to heal, so have patience with your body.
marine hubby's can be a hard road for a wife. i remember my aunties journey. i will send you some of my extra energy and some of her wisdom. my uncle is a kind and gentle man now. he is also in his 70's. age has a way of softening even the hardest rock. and yes, she is still married to him. almost 50 years now.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 02-24-2006, 06:06 PM   #8
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Sugar,
I know exactly how you feel. I met my DH 13 years ago. I had just been Dx'd with Fibro, although I'd had symptoms for 7 years already. DH has seen me go from supporting myself to not being able to work at all(and they say this is not progressive?). I know the guilt of avoiding intimacy due to pain and fatigue, even though he never complains. He puts up with my fog and forgetfulness and emotional outbursts. On top of that, I am 22 years older than he is, and I've always been afraid that I've been keeping him from a better life with someone more young and vibrant. He has never strayed, even though our relationship is not as physical as it used to be. I have never felt more loved.
Over the past few years he has developed his own medical problems. He has arthritis in his spine, and can no longer work at a physically demanding job. He has been attending a vocational college and is struggling with pain and fatigue, and guilt because he can't "do stuff" anymore. He can no longer give me the wonderful back rubs that he used to. We're both too uncomfortable to cuddle in bed anymore, but we reach out during the night to make sure the other one is there, doing ok, and able to get some sleep. We can't go for walks anymore or spend time sitting in a movie theater.We don't have a social life. Most of our traveling is to and from Dr appointments. But, we are exactly where we want to be, and that is with each other. I would die for this man, and he for me. That's what it is all about. We do find humor in our rather pathetic existence. It's Us against Them. We hold each other up, and between the two of us we have a functioning brain(well, almost).
Sorry to ramble on, Sugar, but think about how you would feel if your man had the illness. Would you love him any less? Wouldn't you want to support him any way you could? Take the love he's giving you and relish the time you have together, however long that may be.

 
Old 02-24-2006, 08:02 PM   #9
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

I have just been dx, I am 28 married for three years this summer. I should be lucky that my husband knows first hand about fibro since his mom has it, but sometimes you just have to wonder. I feel horrible. Before the dx I got upset one night bc he deserves a complaint free wife and a wife who wants to have sex. I want none, and I mean, i don't care! It is like that part of me is just gone. Could party him too....another issue.
Anyway, I had back surgery a year ago, doing pretty well withthat, most of my issues I believe are related to the herniation in my neck. Who knows. I understand. I not only fear for my life but what kind of life he will have. I always hurt and though that drains us physically, it drains them mentally bc they can't "fix" us and men want to be able to do that. I hate asking him night after night to please rub my back. it has gotten to the point now he half asses it and doesn't want to anymore. There comes the guilt again. anyway, I wish so much I had some advice but just know this: it is my opinion that if you express yourself openly and communicate any problems you have that is key. He needs to know why you aren't in wedding mode-then you'll be able to work through this together!

 
Old 02-25-2006, 07:08 AM   #10
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Hi Sugar

I think you have received some good advice from the others. This is just my experience - been married 5 yrs - both been married before - had fibro when we got married -
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Sugar 31
He is a wonderful person that treats me like a princess and treats my son like he were his own.
My hubby does too. And my children/grandchildren.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Sugar 31
I don't know what to expect of myself and my body any more. At times I feel like a burden although he never gives me a reason to feel that way. He says it doesn't matter what's wrong with me he's here to stay.
Yep - same here!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Sugar 31
Is it normal to feel this way? I love him dearly and want him to enjoy life and as much as I want to enjoy it with him.....I'm scared I won't be able to. I have brought this up a time or two and he gets really upset when I do. He doesn't understand how I feel. Does anyone else?
Oh yea! I used to feel SO guilty about things - I was afraid I was holding him back from "life" - however, from his standpoint, "life" is being with the ones you love-spouse and children/grandchildren. Now I am going Hypo since I had my thyroid removed - something like my fibro which is acting up also - and he is an -taking care of anything that needs to be done and not worrying about stuff that doesn't. I think you've got someone who REALLY loves you. And if you didn't worry about him, you would just be using him to take care of you, and you are not. He needs to understand WHY you are worried - that you want the best for him because you love him so much and are so aftaid you can't give it to him. On the other hand , you have to understand he loves you so much that your physical problems just don't matter!!!! You are both so worried about the other one. Stop worrying and enjoy what you have to the fullest you can. LIfe is too short.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Sugar 31
Has fibro changed any of your relationships, either in a positive or negative way?
If it weren't for my fibro, I am not sure if we would be together. I look back at other people I dated and they would have dropped me like a lead balloon if my fibro had been in the way of THEIR life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Sugar 31
Are feelings of guilt par for the course? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
YES YES YES!!!!! I feel guilty when I don't feel like playing with the grandkids, don't do something that I know needs to be done etc etc etc. Everyday, there is some guilt. But my hubby is like your BF - it's ok - no biggie - he WANTS to be with ME - in sickness and in health. Sounds like you have a great guy, like mine.

Take care and let us know how you are feeling. I don't check this board often - mostly dealing with the thyroid thing right now.
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Old 02-25-2006, 08:45 AM   #11
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

Hi Sugar,

So much wisdom abounds. My hubby and I have been together for eight years and married for nearly six. We have two tots and he works six days a week and hands over his paycheck as well.

When I had to stop working in 2002 he never complained about having to support. I went through and still go through guilt feelings over what I can't always do. But he has always picked up the slack when there are things at home I can't do.

When we met it was at work and he saw how hard I worked and fought my illnesses during the first four years we were together. It did take him awhile and I won't pretend we didn't have some problems along the way when I first got sick. But eventually we were both convinced that I'm not faking and I really can't scrub the bathtub or bathe my kids or make dinner many times.

Even with his understanding and willingness to work so hard and take care of me I do have guilt sometimes. I think this is totally normal but you just have to watch that the guilt doesn't slide you into the "feeling sorry for myself" category. We all do now and then but if it becomes your mindset, you become incapable of giving love to others becuase you are not loving yourself.

I would say he sounds like a great man and when you try to talk to him about this, assure him that you love him very much and the hesitation has only to do with your fear of failing him in some way. Also if you are not well enough to plan the wedding ask him or maybe family or a girlfriend for help. Or maybe he would be happy with something more simple like the three of you (your son too) elope together and then let your families throw you a nice reception/party.

It seems like most of us were at one point very independent go-getters, A-type personalities who burnt out young and stressed our minds and bodies too much.

Good luck and blessings to you.

2tots

 
Old 02-25-2006, 08:49 AM   #12
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Re: Fibro and marriage.....input appreciated.

P.S. You don't know how much a man loves you until you can't use your arms and he has to wash your long hair for you. My man was willing to do that and more when I was REALLY in bad shape. It makes me have water works instantly to think about it. I need to thank him again for that when he gets home.

 
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