I live with this on daily basis, nothing different then what you are experiencing....just maybe a bit of different situation. 4 years ago when coming down with this the pain was so intense she heard me contantly complain of the excruating pain. It was so unbearable she could barely hug me with me gringing. It's probably the worse thing she will always remember about me. She has watched the house go from normal to a mess. She has watched me go from 130 to 170. On the go to always exahausted and little energy. Stress/depression/ medication/a bit better/pain/ down again/ up a bit and so forth. You know the drill ladies. If I could change everything that has happened coming down with this....I would do anything to make her life normal again, but unfortunately I cannot. She has become so bitter with me I feel as though she doesn't love me anymore and we have always been extremely close, I love her with all my heart and this is tearing me apart. She is 19 and I long for the energy to get the house back into order so she is happy to have friends in, I just don't know where to start. I have tried to get her to the doctor and she refuses, she is 19 and contstantly says I am the one who needs the doctor. Well folks, I've seem em all, but where have I gone wrong with her and I do I convince her to get help. It's not just the fibro, my brother died a few years ago she was very close to and them a year later my dad came down with cancer and died. I went through a divorce with a not very nice man. Not her dad thank goodness. I know people have said just kick her out, she's 19 and should be helping you....I went wrong there where things were going down for me I stopped making her help and she got lazy. Please, please....anyone with some good solid advice. If seeing a doctor is what you recommend, how do you get a 19 year old there if they refuse to go. I appreciate more then you could ever know your kind words of advice.
you won't be able to get her to do anything. she is 19. we all go thru the age of hating our moms. no matter how perfect a mom we have we decide she is dumb and knows nothing.
when we get sick we give alot of our personal power over to others. not a good thing, but we do it. sounds like it may be time to reclaim your power. you have to set boundaries and keep them. you know how much fibro changes your life on the outside, and on the inside there is a breakdown in communication between mind and attitude.
your daughter does not hate you. she is going thru a normal faze. if she was out of the house you would experience it differently. rare phone calls, rare visits, shutting you out from their lives. stuff like that. with her at home it is different. you are both right there in the face of it.
her anger about your fibromyalgia is fear. with so many of her trusted adults dying there is a fear, deep and not recognized, that you too will leave. under all anger is fear.
if she wants a clean house for her friends to visit, she can clean it herself. period. you ought to be loving an empty nest. if she chooses to be home, treat her like a roommate. give her a list of her responsibilities and how much rent to pay. then stick by your guns. tell her she has to buy her own food and mark it. prepare her for life outside of your home. you know the total freedom from responsibility she has now is not the reality of the big bad world out there.
hope this helps a bit. how well i remember when my daughter jackie ripped the umbilical cord out of me. she was 17. she is 26 now and we are as close as we were when she was 10. it all comes full circle. have patience, cut her some room, and treat her like the adult she now is. i always told my kids if you want me to treat you like an adult you must act like one. act like a baby, and, well, you will be treated like one.
many mommy hugs,
There seems to have been changes in her life that she wasnt able to control, your brother dying, then your dad, then the divorce. Tho i dont know how she feels about the divorce. She is probably afraid of losing the last one connection to her, her mother. Whether by death or the death of the way our life used to be, she is afraid of that change.
At 19 yrs of age, she should be helping you with the housework if she wants her friends to come visit her at a clean house. Perhaps shes afraid of losing her mother, her closest helper, as she sees you changing daily, monthly getting worse.
If she wont go to the doctor with you on her own, perhaps you can ask her if she'd drive you there and go in with you because you want to be able to remember everything that is being said. sneaky? yep, but it might work.
also getting her material to read up on the subject might help, and letting her know that fibro wont kill you, just feels like it will at times.
Allow her to help with housework as long as she is under your roof, she should be helping, 19 isnt a young child and she should be picking up some of the slack daily since i know those of us who have fibro cant clean a house up in one day.
Im positive she still loves you, tho might have a hard time showing it right now, perhaps she thinks if i dont get too close to her it wont hurt so much if she passes away with this thing. Remind her that its not fatal. Tell her you need her support, and help these days. Ask her if she'd do you a favor and read up on our lives here at healthboards so she can see what youre going thru is what others with fibro are going thru as well.
I would suggest you dont let her disrespect you in any way, shape or form. At that age she is a young adult, whether she wants to accept that fact or not. Ask her why she is angry with you and if she thinks you asked for this dd. Again, provide materials for her to read up on fibro, its symptoms. You might also ask a dear friend or relative to talk to her about what she is feeling if she doesnt want to open up to you.
If all that fails to see how much you are suffering and that its not your fault, it might be best for her to move out on her own, you dont need the extra stress. She can get a job and provide for herself and see if its that easy. She has it made at home, and i get the feeling you do things for her out of love, cleaning up after her and much more, but sometimes we just have to let them grow up, its about time she did.
I will just give you a little story of me and my daughter and maybe you can decide if it applies to your relationship. My daughter is now 30yrs. old divorced, college educated with a career and finally is on her own. I say finally on her own not because she didn't want to be and didn't try but because I couldn't let go. Let me say that again.....I....couldn't let go. I have always been the one holding on to tight, for some reason and I don't know that reason, I have always wanted to make things perfect for my daughter. Yes I wanted them perfect for my son also but he took care of things on his own and wouldn't let me do that for him so I was always pulling my daughters feet out of the fire because she is such a procrastinator and I was just too eager to take care of things. Finally after her divorce and moving back home for almost 3yrs. until she could get all the emotional and financial problems straightened up. I was able to let go. I think it was because I finally saw her as a young women that was able to take care of herself and if her feet got a little cinged in the fire that was her problem and she was certainly capable of taking care of things and if she needed help she was not afraid to ask. I finally saw her as the wonderful person her dad and I raised and not my little girl, my first baby that I wanted to make life so perfect for.
She has her own apartment now and a new boyfriend of two months (a record for her since her divorce) and we talk like adults with each other and I have gained a new respect for the woman I see yet I still have my daughter.
I know your situation is a little different, but I thought maybe the holding on too tight scenario might give you something to think about. Believe me when my daughter was 19 attitude and sulleness and all that goes with the age was difinitly there and I was still holding on too tight and no one could tell me any different. I tried as hard as I could to keep the bumps out of the road and I was wrong. Your daughter has already experienced some of those bumps with the lose of your brother and father. She has to find her way and that may be hard on the both of you. There is a time for talking, a time for letting her take responsibility and a time for letting go. If she wants a clean house, she can clean if she doesn't understand fibro she can ask but she probable does want to be reassured that you are not going to die and leave her and although you don't feel the same as you once did you are still the mother she has always loved and you will always love her unconditionally.
I cannot begin to thank each of you for your compassion and advice. My heart is skipping a beat sitting here thinking, wow, I'm not so looney....ha, but true. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to see what each of you have wrote and understood. What I read, is what my 28 year old son has said to me so many times, and now at the point....mom, whatever you say let, it stick. Don't say one thing and not follow through. (How many times as a parent you give that very advice.) If you say leave, don't feel guilty. You have been a great mom to all three of us, single mom for 11 years and look at my sister I. We both went through college and have very good jobs. You came down with this by chance, not by choice.
So for the life of me I can't understand why I can't just let go?? I do see depression in her and I have many, many times tried to talk to her about getting help.....she lashes out at me and I walk away blaming myself. I guess if life were so easy....I could wave a magic wand at her...she would go and get the help and I wouldn't feel so guilty about saying it's time to go. My son is getting married in June...so it's another reason I keep telling myself not do anything to disrupt right now....but I guess it will always be something.
If I read this about someone else it would be so easy to advise, but boy is it hard when the shoes are on the other feet. When someone is rebelling and you lack the energy...it's so difficult.
You are all so wonderful. You have helped me through losing a job and simply being there everyday. I don't know what I would do without my family here. I wish I could get beyond, it's time to go and be on your own or if you are not happy here.....I get that far and cannot find the strenght to get beyond that. I guess the fear of unknowing....but this too isn't good for either of us.
Hi Annie, I'm the mother of 4 children and grandmother of 6. The
four of them are so different. Any advice or encourgament I could
give would not be a good as our friends have already given you, but
I wanted to tell you what a sweet lady told me one time.......''We are
never happier than our saddest child.'' I've been a mother for almost
55 years and I have found this to be so true. We hurt along with our
child, even when they bring it on themselves. It seems that having
fibromyalgia makes it even worse for me. May God bless you Annie.
Wishn letting go is not easy. Some children want us to let go just so far and then be sure and pull on the rope when they need something. The hard part is letting go of the rope! My daughter fought hard after her divorce for me to let go and finally I did. I had plenty of advice from wise old aunties and good friends that told me I was holding on to the rope and if I let go she wouldn't fall, and if she needed it she could climb up that rope on her own. They were right. Your daughter will not get help for herself until SHE decides she needs it. Without her willingness, it wouldn't help anyway. You have done a great job raising your children take hold of that and keep putting your youngest in Gods hands and watch her blossom. You know she still loves you.
Thank you so much for thinking of me with your response. At times it feels like I am climbing the rope, but just when I'm half way up....I slide back down. Talking helps...and so often with this fibro I feel more alone then ever before. Funny thing...I am always helping people at work, giving advice and simply listening. It's funny how I can't seem to listen to myself and take the advice. My son's wedding is less then a month away and after, I will need to set my priorities straight here. Thank you everyone and believe me....each time someone writes, I am writing down your advice and experiences and reading over and over. It is bound to be part of my wall when I can take a deep breath and be happy for me and her again. I care so much about all of you. I only wish more people who experience fibromyalgia were lucky enough to know this site and get to know the kind, supportive people here with hearts bigger then anything I have ever experienced before. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
When I was 14 my mother was diagnossed with FM and Lupus. My grandmother died, my father left my mother less than a week before my 15th birthday and moved to Oregon. My mom and I needed eachother very much then and were supportive of eachother in many ways.
On the other hand things were so very different. I had to do everything that I needed for myself. I got a job and anything I needed with few exceptions I had to pay for myself. The support structure that I had had completely disolved. My mom clung to me because I was all she had and I felt like I didn't have a mother anymore. She couldn't care for me like she used to. I was having trouble in my life and she couldn't be there for me because she was so overwhelmed with her own problems. The medication she was on warped her mind a little too.
The house was a mess, but I didn't care enough to clean it myself so I wasn't going to expect her to do it. Most of my friends loved me enough to not care that the place was filthy. I also spent any time I could away.
Long story short. I moved out when I was 17. I think my 17 was like your daughters 19. Painful. Lots of fighting. An adult brain without the experience to back it up. I just turned 24. My mom and I are so close. She says I'm her best friend. I wouldn't quite mimic the statement, but she is an invaluable part of my life and other than my partner, my closest confidante. I still fear that I could lose her to Lupus or any other of her terrible illnesses that she has going on, but I treasure every phone call with her and since I live many states away I miss her like I would miss water in a desert.
Things will work out with your daughter. Encourage her to move out. I almost guarentee that as soon as you two aren't living together anymore things will get better. You can go shopping and out to eat and all those wonderful mother daughter things without having to go home together at the end of the day. When you live with another adult it can be hard to get along.
o janus o, you delight me. your words are more healing than any uttered here. bless you little sister, for your honesty. one day when you are my age, and i am old compared to you, giggle, you will find your mom to be the only person who truly and deeply knows you. it is a gift, rare and precious.
wishn, i love you too. this is a special haven. may the wedding go well. you will shine, mother of the groom.
O Janus O....you took my breath away....I felt like I was reading a post from my daughter. I am still sitting here almost numb. I appreciate so much your honesty and being frank....I need that. A bit teary eyed....because I feel so badly at the thought of not being able to give my daughter a more "normal" life, a better and cleaner home...the mom I use to be, but I am still me. I love her dearly and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. As I can certainly relate to your post, fortunately the medication I am taking (hopefully) does not make me appear "warped" to my daughter. Hmmmm....let me back up...some of the things she says would probably make warped seem fun, loving and great person to be around...ha! I do hear what you are saying and take your post very serious though....and...very much appreciate your insight.
B.L.L. Thank you for always being there, always caring, understanding and loving to all of us. You are a gem!
Today for me has been a painful one. I am taking Cymbalta and did not realize how much it has helped with the pain, until you are no longer taking it. My prescription ran low and I neglected to contact the doctor until I had 2 pills remaining...well day 2 and the doctor has "neglected" to call in the prescription. Hopefully tomorrow morning it will be ready. This type of medication is no fun when you miss a few days...uhhhh....
The wedding: I finally found my dress! I had decided on a floor lenght sand/gold color. Very elegant, dropped off the shoulders a bit, some beading on the top area and a few layers on the skirting. This is what I had been set on for several weeks, but was not completely firm on it. (Oh what the heck....trying to lose a bit of weight.....ha! Did drop a size, but when you are a 14....a 12 wasn't my dream weight. Would like to have gotten back down to pre-fibro weight 4 years ago, 7. Yeah, yeah, yeah and I would love to have no lines on my face....a completely flat stomach....blah, blah, blah...thank heavens for control top panty hose.) Anyway...back to the dress....a sales women came up to me and said, I've seen you in here a few times...but always notice you pretty much search around on your own and do not accept assistance. (I'm too picky) She said, l would love to show you a dress I think would look very nice on you and with your blonde hair...it would be great. She took me over to a mint, very pale green dress. I looked and said....I am definately not a pastel person...but I will certainly try it on. Long story short...I fell in love with it! One piece, but the appearance of a top and skirt. Sheer layering skirt that has a "flow" about it...the top has beading that blends with the color, sleeveless with a sheer wrap....just lovely. I am still stunned I love the dress so much....not something I would have pulled off the shelf on my own. Ok, ok....I will stop boring everyone with the dress details....a little excited...
i can see you in your lovely cool minty dress. like a gossmer cloud you will dance thru your sons most special day. hey, a size 12, when you have fibro, is a brag, sister. we all gain so much weight we get lost in our own bodies. i went up to a size 18 and now i am a 10. who knows what i will be next year, ya know?
besides when you become a granny someday you will need to be all soft and squishy for the grandkids to snuggle into.
sometimes we also have to give our children a head start by drop kicking them to their freedom. each of my kids has come back to thank me for being so aware of what they needed then. freedom, to figure it out by themselves.
oh girlfriend i can see you in the sunrise. you are beautiful!
I have experienced a migrance all day...until arriving home and taking medication...finally kicked it. It was awful.... Of course trying to get home and take the right med with traffic up the ying yang..."Memorial Day" traffic made the trip almost triple the time. Glad I am at home feeling normal again.
Have a wonderful evening....you are such a sweetheart!
Wishn I love the dress and it sounds like it will be gorgeous on you. I have been the mother of the bride (our son went to Jamaica to get married didn't need anything for that) and it is such a wonderful thing to get all 'gussied' up and feel so beautiful. I knew the minute I saw the dress I wore it was perfect for me. Of course I insisted on looking some more but my daughter and I went back and bought the first one.
Please let us know how the wedding goes and fill us in on all the fun and wonderful things. Your dress sounds beautiful, enjoy all the wonderful things about the wedding and as you said deal with the problems with your daughter when the wedding is over.
Hope your headache went away I know how bad they can be. Oh, and I believe my dress (it was actually a two piece ankle length) was a size 14 and I am back up there again in a size 18. This crazy rollercoaster I think I have a handle on the thyroid now if I can get a handle on the stess and eating I might get down there again.
If your fibro is like mine, muscle pain due to inadequate thyroid meds, doctors can prescribe a muscle relaxant for 4 times a day. We're not supposed to mention brand names, as I almost did and had to backspace. Mine wasn't strong enough to completely relieve the pain, but I survived with it, was able to function.
Daughters who seem slightly depressed may also have low thyroid, which does run in families, but try getting one to go for testing! (One of mine is like that, obsviously.)
Doctors frequently say they only studied thyroid about 15 min in med school, that you just prescribe one grain of the T4 that starts with an "s", which some people, according to thyroid forums, can't take. Every time you change doctors you have to prove to them, in my case by cutting back on my dosage of 300 and getting the pain again, you're not taking too much just because it isn't average. One forum girl was on 500.
Good luck to everyone. I've printed out some of these posts to keep, it's so helpful to know most of us have the same problems with daughters.
Some daughters are too proud and aloof to ever pull on the rope, my youngest of five. She's a teacher, masters' degree, so she's not autistic, but always was closer to her dad who's also a youngest. I'm pretty much shut out. She and I have the same birthday, and once in a great while she does show more understanding of what I say than the others, and since I was dx'd with diabetes and can't eat cake, they've all taken the party elsewhere and left me out. The oldest is pretty dutiful. Youngest never talked much at home, maybe too much of a perfectionaist, needs a canned speech? Her dad used to tease her that if she didn't talk he was going to get a new ____, and she'd laugh and start talking. Anyone have any ideas? I've suggested we three girls go shopping or something, naturally.
Last edited by Eagle; 06-01-2006 at 07:34 AM.
Not been feeling well...sorry it's taken me awhile to respond. Yes, even though it is a pain to go through some the mother/daughter woes....you don't feel so crazy hearing others understand or have been there. Unfortunately this seems to be the most difficult of the difficult to resolve. My eldest as I mentioned earlier is getting married next weekend. Seems as though it has cropped up so fast!! Goodness....
My daughter...she is at the beach with her father. Was in an accident last week...insured through me (was fine.) The car in front of her ran into the car in front of him and she ran into him. Doing no damage to her car, going about 5-10mph. Rush hour traffic. I'm sure my insurance will go up and after rethinking how long she has been insured....was suppose to pay me each month after she graduated and has only paid 2 mos....I now realize it is time for her to insure herself. When i think about how many mistakes I have brought on myself. Meaning....when she didn't pay me I should have stop giving her excuses, oh she's in school, going to college, excuse after excuse everytime I would say pay up this month. Uhhhhhh.... I have to stop compaining and take action. I did tell her yesterday she has until Tuesday morning to have found a new plan or she can stick with our company, just sign up for herself. Goodness the wedding is around the corner and you guys must be saying....well dear...you brought it on yourself....
No wishn I would never say you brought it on yourself. We do what we do for our children out of love. I know people who were very good at setting their children out in the world and saying you are on your own pay your own bills etc. They don't have a better or worse relationship with their children than I do or than many of my other friends. We are parents and better yet we our Mothers, we love all of our children the same, but they all have their different personalities and so we nurture each one differently. All will work out with your daughter, step by little baby step she will learn to walk on her own and will appreciate her Mother so much more when she eventually walks in your shoes. Minus the fibro that is.
Oh my goodness! I saw so much of my own life in your post! I have Fibromyalgia and severe neuropathy in my feet. My pain and fatigue have made changes in my life so similar to yours. My weight, cleanliness of house, not able to enjoy a lot of activities, guilt, etc. I have an 18 year old daughter who was so close to me and we did everything together. She too became lazy, withdrawn, and angry with me. I thought she was unsympathetic and just didn't want to be around me anymore. This hurt more than the physical pain. I, too, had so many people tell me that I should make her buckle up and start helping. I guess I had been feeling so guilty that I thought it would make it better for her if she didn't have to do many chores.
On a good day, I took my daughter out and we got manicures and our hair done. Then we went out to lunch. At lunch, I had a heart to heart talk about my illness and limitations. I tried not to say much about her behavior but did say I knew she was scared about what was happening. She burst into tears and we had to leave. In the car, she said she was so scared that I would die and she just wanted everything the way it used to be. I told her that at times the pain was so bad, I was scared myself but I wasn't going to die from this. I told her that I felt so bad for her that I didn't want to ask her for more help. In a manipulative move, I said that maybe we could manage to pay for someone to help clean the house. I knew she would hate this suggestion and she did. She volunteered on her own that she could be doing more around the house and to help me more.
To make a long story short, my daughter has realized that her mom is still here for her. I will make time to talk whenever I can but if the pain is too bad, I ask her to give me 15 minutes and resort to one of my stronger pain pills. She has learned first-hand that the more she helps with the chores and errands, the more energy I have to do fun things. We've learned to adjust the way we used to do things, too. I can't walk and shop in malls for hours now so we choose her favorite store and I take a seat on the fitting room chair while she brings in clothes to try on. We've had some good laughs at what she picks out for me! Othertimes, that isn't possible and we do some shopping online. Where we used to go out for dinner and a movie a lot, we now have Netflix and order carryout.
Another thing is I asked my daughter for help in watching my weight. With decreased activity, I put on weight so easily. By putting it this way, instead of asking her to make dinner, she thinks of it as a fun thing to do...be my dietician with all the planning and shopping. She's done an excellent job making healthy meals and the cooking help is a big stress reliever for me.
Your daughter has even more issues to cope with. So many for a person of her age. And at that age, the world pretty much evolves around them. It's still taking me time to cope with this illness and I know my daughter needs time too. I'm sure things will work out with your daughter if given time.