I haven't posted lately and I wanted to check in. Now I want to say something here. My husband and I have been married going on 14 years. He is a sweet man and good father. He helps out every day. And I love him dearly but....
Lately we have been having some trouble. Not divorce type trouble. But we have always been best friends and now it doesn't seem like it. The other day when we were going around and round discussing something he mentioned some stuff that hurt me deeply.
First he said all I do" is look ---- up on the computer, stuff I don't even have." Meaning fibro I guess. Telling me not to even mention people or discussions from this support group as they mean nothing to him. That when he comes home from work every day it is all depression and negativity.
Well, I just cried and cried. Let me say I am NOT a cryer. But I was and am so hurt.
Bluelakelady taught me something three weeks ago about not trying to explain this to other people. I admit I was obsessed with family and friends getting it. And was so fed up that no one got it. Then BLL said it is my pain. It is private. Not to share. And it hepled me so much. I started processing everything differently. I am happy even when I hurt. When I hear my husband pull into the garage I make sure to put on a happy face. My stock answer when people ask me how I am is "on the road to recovery, thank you!" I laugh and play with my kids. I have never so far cancelled anything with my family but church a couple of times.
So, yes I was initially consumed with bad stuff. I have come around. He says it is hard for the spouse to one day wake up and everything is different. But he had been drinking beer when he was saying all of this.
I tried to tell him that if I am limping or cringing from pain it doesn't mean I am not happy or negative or depressed. I am happy and living with this at the same time.
I feel from the bottom of my heart that I cannot try any harder than I am. Two boys, all of the activities. I love my life. I hope that he gets over this. You are supposed to love each other thru sickness and health.
I know he loves me but I guess the changes have affected him.
Thanks for listening.
I needed to vent
oh sweetie. let me hug you. what can i say about men. to begin with we evolve differently. men decide when they are young who they are and that is who they are till the day they die. women evolve each decade. every ten years or so we experience a change in our thinking. health issues can speed that up or slow it down, depending on the woman.
very few men are born with the caretaker gene. very few. expect it not.
marriage goes thru an evolution too. you are at 14 years. just beginning to change as a woman and leave your man behind a bit. that gap will grow over time. you must bridge that gap with compassion and understanding of our very different thinking process. we know how. men do not. not their fault. just reality.
most of what i say is from the lips of men i know. friends who are honest. probably because they are friends they feel safe telling it straight.
i was in a relationship when i got sick. he is gone now living his life. i made him go away. it was beyond repair. 16 years. as a sick chick in her 50's i have decided the single life is for me.
words are powerful tools that can heal or hurt. how do we go from those days of warm whispered loving words to sharp, biting judgemental words? i have no idea. i do know that once mean words are said the love is never the same. the trust is broken.
i am really proud of you. i see how hard you are trying.
it will take time for your family to see the change and realize you are not talking about you as much. my answer when others ask how i am is, mostly perfect, or, perfect, or delightfully here. answers that bring a smile to my lips and theirs. i do not say this to look brave. i say it because i decided it is my truth. another one is, exceptionally wonderful.
if you wake up in the morning it is already a perfect day.
I help take care of a lady with DDD and numerous other problems and her husband is acting the same way. I told her that it appears that he is frustrated and feels helpless at times. Men think that they are the fixer, the protector and with this FM he can't do anything to fix it. I think they also feel if you have to reach out to others that you don't rely on them anymore. Men are really insecure creatures. They constantly need reassurance that you need them to take care of things...but having said that, they don't want to take care of everything, they want you to continue to nurture and take care of just them. Men are really very selfish creatures, too. It's a hard middle ground to attain, but not impossible. I hope you can find that middle ground. Everyone is different but maybe if you let him know that you need him more than ever now he will grow to understand and be supportive. Like BLL I (in 50's also) have decided to remain single but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to lean on.
Don't give up on this message board though, just know that you are at the Home of the Brave in a Land of Hope! With FM you have to have someone to reach out to, to help with questions, ideas of recovery, venting or just having someone understand what you are going thru. I too have family and friends that look at me with doubt about my condition even to the point of "well I just take a couple aspirins when I get the aches and pains of being older", hahahahaha...I love that one. Or...."funny you don't look sick?"...."how can you work so much and hurt like you say?"....to that I just reply "I'm not ready to give up on me"...(although some days), but then again I have a hard time letting my weaknesses show, so I don't share with them very much about FM. They are not at the point of understanding it, but hopefully one day they will. I'm not completely sure I understand it all either...
Thank you both for replying. BLL as always your words inspire me to be a better woman and person. I had no idea at this time in our lives we change so. At around 14 years we do seem to change where our men kind of want to stay the same. I promise to you and my kids I will bridge the gap with love. I don't want our marraige to be over. We have too much love and the kids to think about.
And i agree that the minute you wake up it is already a perfect day!!!!
Chef ALezabeth, thank you too. Yes, men are tricky hu? At one point they want to fix it all. ANd then they want it all to be about them. My husband is a great guy. But I admit I have spoiled him terribly. Not so much by catering to him. He caters me. (He does all of the ironing) always has. But I have catered to him emotionally. He usually gets his way ect. And his way would be for the fibro to go. And this time he can't decide this fate.
Words can be very dangerous. Once said it's hard to go back.
He seems to be trying the last few days but you know how it's easy to slip and go back to old ways.
Hugs and thanks to both of you.
I'll keep you posted. And NEVER leave this board!!!!
Keep it up kiddo. It sounds like you are on the right track. I have been fighting this monster DD for over 20 years and have tried so hard not to complain becauce I have found it doesn't do any good. I was finaly actuallu dxed aabout to months or so ago with FM/CMP and some CFS . Iwas dxed about 20 years ago with what was called Ebstein Bar Virus which was and is sometimes thought to be the beginning of CFS and them perhaps FM. Luckily for me I think I am not bad off as some who are bedridden or in so much pain they cannot walk around and do anything. I had told very few about my problems except some in my family and tried not to dwell on it for many reasons.
My DH is a wonderful person and we have 5 children and 8 grandkids but he is also an only child and being a man when I would tell him something hurts he would say that something else hurts him. Go figure ! They always want attentions. However, I think now that I have finally gotten a dx ( which I figured out on my own but brought my recent labs to my new rheumy) he has been alittle more understand int that it is not something I have made up to get out of doing something or whatever. I am sure you all know what I mean. He is a worker and does alot but not that much inside the house most is outside work and working the the KC's, volunteering ,etc. We have been married 43 years. It does not help that his mother was a neatnic around the house and everything had to be in its place and then some. I am a fair to good house keeper but with my lack of energy and pain I really have to pace myself and somethings may not get done that DH thinks should be done. I have also gotten mean in my old ago and said "If it really bothers you you can do such and such" Does does vacuum at times and carry heavy things for me now.
Just wantaed to put in my 2 cents worth, whatever that is just to say I think you going on the right track. I learned long ago that no one wants to hear whinning and complaining, even if it the cause of it is real. It makes it esp hard when you look find or even better than fine. I am think and try to keep nice and have some people who don't believe that I am 65 whcih I think in some ways makes it more difficult for some to believe.
I TRY to keep active and not sit around except when I am on this computer (-: !!! When you find something fun to do with the family or with yourself or a friend go and do it. We also all need our space but I know how hard it is when you have young children. Now I sing in three groups which I enjoy and tap dance when our tapdance teacher decides ot to cancel the class once a week. However, these are things that I enjoy doing. With your family I know how hard it is to get away and do things just for yourse. However, enjoy your famioy that is very important too . Those boys will grow up to fast. Been there kiddo !! I also have severe osteoporosis which also makes things even more confusing and intersting -ouch.
Sorry for all the rambling on. Keep it up. I am sure you are on the right track. Keep a positive attitude and be patient with your DH and I am sure he will come around to his old self. Do as much as you can for your mind and your body. BTW, sounds like you got a great husband. He can always here and do some ironing for me I know sometimes it is hard to be patient. I have alot more than my DH which is a good thing. If he felt the way I have all this time God only knows what he would have done -hold up in bed moaning, etc.
oh my, do I agree with all of you here ! I've had this condition for 2 years now (diagnosed). At the beginning my complaining at home was endless and ... the result was not so good. But I was so confused and it took so much effort and time from my part to go to different kind of doctors and try to find out what was wrong that I became a total wreck. Hubby, who is usually so helpful and so good, became angry (without saying it, but showing it), and I became really bitter and sad. Until ... I finally realized that whether it's your husband or your child or your friend or your boss, there is a limit into taking others into the gutter when you're not fine. Fibromyalgia is my own problem, not somebody else's. The good thing about me is that my husband travels quite often for his job so I get to get free and relaxing time for myself, and believe me I need it badly. When he goes I miss him, but I also rest, and it's good for me. Thankly I have help at home from a lady who comes twice per week (no kids, my hubby has 2 grown ups from previous marriage). And he does the cooking, I only help him by preparing some stuff before he comes home from work (and not always), because I'm totally unable to come back from work and stand in the kitchen for I don't know how long. I'd rather not eat really. Believe me, I have come to the conclusion that during those days when I'm really not well, it's better to spend them totally alone, without even speaking to anyone.
echos. how are you my dear? i agree with you on time alone. i have a great deal of it and it eases me thru those rough days just knowing i don't have to interact with anyone. no brain days. meditation days. movie days.
time alone is essential to mental health with any illness.
peace, love and three hugs,
I agree with everyone....time alone is the best! You don't have to pretend that all is well or explain how and why you are feeling rotten. But most important you are taking time for yourself.
waw chef you got right to the core : " don't have to pretend that all is well " !!!! this is exactly it !!!! and when you don't have to pretend, that's when you start even feeling better. Interaction with people whilst there is pain all over is exhausting. I can only interact with the tv when I'm like this. Even my dog's paws on my skin can kill me. I also get impatient and very nervous when my pain is worse than other days. Everything/everyone get on my nerves. Hi to you too BLL and many kisses.
Yes, I certainly do agree that quiet time by yourself is the best, IF you can find it. Even if you don't feel like doing anything you don't have to pretend . Sleep, read (if you feel you can comprehend the words), go on-line or whatever you want. I don't have many of those times, just some evenings when DH is gone to his KC meetings or something. However, some of those evenings I have may have to go out also to choir practice. So, there are not that many of those. However, catch that time whenever and wherever you can and DO WHATEVER YOU WANT !! Everyone needs their own time and us FIBROMITES need it even more. !!
You all can even do what was suggested by someone in my osteo group who is alot of pain - she names her different pains. She calls one Clair and I said that was neat and rhymes with "flair." I could remember that one. I thought that was a hoot and someone else piped in and said that she names her dust bunnies !! Both of those could take some time if you run out of constructive things to do while you are by yourself .