It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Fibromyalgia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-01-2006, 03:28 AM   #1
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: chicago il
Posts: 552
builder HB Userbuilder HB User
Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

I hurt almost everyday. I find it hard to have a relationship with anyone. I meet women that are interested in going to dinner or drinks and I feel so lousy most of the time...I just can't go. I find that I become irritaed if I spend to much time with someone which I attribute to my Fibro. I feel like a prisoner because all I do is sit home all the time because I just don't feel well enough to do much of anything. It is hard to get someone to understand why you don't want to go out or have to cancel plans. Making plans in advance is out because who knows how bad a flare up you might get a week from now. I wish there was a dating site for people with Fbro because unless you have it, there is no way a normal person can know or be sympathetic to what people with Fibro are going thru.

 
Old 07-01-2006, 07:16 AM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: San Antonio, Texas, USA
Posts: 38
Chef Elizabeth HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

"I hear you brother!".....had to give up dating and everything else due to this blasted FM. Somewhere along the line I lost all my desire to have a relationship mainly because they take a lot of work and I have to save what energy I have for my life sustaining job. What I mean by taking a lot of work is trying to hide the fact that I feel like you know what 99% the time, not wanting to dress up to go out, taking short trips to anywhere, being in anything else but my pjs and floppy shoes at home. Having him see me taking meds all the time, tossing and turning in my sleep (if you want to call it that). A couple of other problems that I have but I'm to embarrassed to reveal. It was kinda of hard at first but over time it is something I'm just getting use to, becoming apathetic I guess is what you could call it. I'm trying hard to pay attention to my needs for a change instead of every one else's. Not that I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself all the time, things like laying around when I need to, staying in pjs when I want to, laying in a hot bath as long as I want to when I want to, stuff like that. But I have to admit it does get kind of lonely at times. I don't discuss the my FM with family or friends because they just don't understand it. But I've become accustomed to that as well. So, I understand your pain and concerns, but focus on yourself, doing things that will make you happy for a while. You deserve it!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-02-2006, 05:31 AM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Horicon,WI , USA
Posts: 274
DecLady HB User
This post touched me today..

I understand how you are feeling. With this being a holiday weekend..my husband has 5 days off of work..we are living in a new home in a new state..and he has looked forward to this weekend..in part because his brother came to visit on his way to his vacation....and because we finally would have time to sight see in our area. Well, my fibro has kicked up full force...the pain is waking me up...I am low on energy...and am pushing myself to spend some time with him in the pool we just put in ( mostly for me to be able to get some exercise in). I have lived with this for several years..and he generally has adapted to me and the illness pretty well . But I KNOW he is disappointed on this particular weekend.....

But, I am feeling a lot like you seem to be. I don't have the energy to care about it. It takes all the energy I have to make it thru the day so I can get to my bed at night. I don't have energy to meet new people...I don't have energy to see sights...or to clean the house..or to decorate...or to play a game. It is one of those stretches for me that I feel like all I can do is watch tv...I cannot concentrate enough to read..or play a game. I force myself to plan and cook at least part of dinner..and do clean up ( that can take a couple hours as I have to sit so much between tasks!) I do that because it makes me feel like I have some value in my home!

Thank goodness I do have times where I am better than this...but it seems that flares last longer these days...and it takes less to put me into one. I am TRYING to improve the quality of life by eating well....and having some gentle exercise in my day...but so far there is no miraculous change...and it is taking a toll on my usual positive attitude...
This seems to be similar to where you are right now?

Anyway..I type this to let you know...I understand...and to say, try not to give up hope. One of the things I hang on to is the fact that for many sufferers of the DD, there does come a point where it improves...and although it may not leave altogether....there is a lessening of symptoms...and a time where more "normalcy of life" returns.
I hang on to that hope!

I think that even though there are a myriad of ways you can try to feel better...being a guinea pig for treatments is also very depressing for me. So I have chosen a minimal path of healthy habits..and pain meds to help me manage the worst of the pain. Then , when I am NOT in a flare....I try to stay a positive person..and do my best to enjoy those people that are already in my life.

I wish for you a more hopeful attitude about your life...and a way to find joy in your days!

 
Old 07-03-2006, 11:30 PM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 115
tutti-fruti HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

boy, do I relay to this thread. Let me start by saying this : Had I known three and a half or is it 4 years (?) ago that I was going to have this condition, I would have never pursued a permanent relationship, ever. I feel that I need to have a 100 % CONTROL over my life, this is what these past few years taught me. And being with somebody else, it's not so easy to do that, no matter how easy or understanding the other person is (and nobody can be THAT understanding). I feel very frustrated within myself and lately very resentful over many many people and situations. I hate having somebody witnessing my flare ups. I learnt from the beginning of this thing, when I was freaking out going from doc to doc without knowing what the heck was going on with me, that my personal pain is MY personal pain and nobody else's. I just cannot make plans and I absolutely resent others making plans for me. It's not good for me. I cannot go out as I used to, I cannot travel as I used to, I cannot do anything like I used to anymore. Two weeks ago I went to the island of Myconos (for 5 days only), (i live in Greece) and I came back absolutely shattered from fatigue, believe it or not. Because fibro is not pain only, it's big time fatigue ! I would have preferred staying home, alone, for that matter. Now I'm leaving again on the 12th of July for 10 WHOLE DAYS and I am dreading it from now. And I told my partner, and he knows very well mind you, that 10 days is a lot for me. Staying outdoors, in the sun (or rather tryng to hide from it), in the wind, in a hotel where the mattress bothers me, is a killer for me. But my friend, he needs those 10 days, so you see ? there goes the control. He will not sit and think: ok let me make it 7 days. Plus you cannot drive another person down the gutter with you just because you are not well, all the time, or most of it. I would advise you to have a "controlled" relationship with someone who doesn't need to stick to you all the time, whereby you will be the master of the situation. If my partner didn't travel for his business, which is quite a lot, I would have gone crasy. Now after 4 years, I need to make my own decisions, I cannot take crap from anybody anymore. And yet I used to big time ! I always try to keep a positive attitude within myself, I accept and deal with my condition, but then when you think you have things under control, somebody else comes and changes your plans for you. For Christ's sake, do you all really think that normal people could ever understand what it feels like to have chronic pain and fatigue ? When I was trying to get a diagnosis running from one doctor to the other it so happened that my partner's mother and sister were staying in Greece (they live abroad) with us for 50 whole days !!! they looked and acted towards me as if I was some kind of nut or something. If I had the same brain I have today back then, I would have kicked them out of my house believe me. Today, I don't want anybody staying in my house anymore and witnessing me not being well, although most of the time, mind you, I pretend I'm fine ! I cannot handle stress at all. I need my energy for my daily work. I don't know how I could possibly explain all the above to a new person in my life, really. I think that those of us who already had a relationship/marriage or whatever when the fibro started are better off than someone who has yet to find somebody and deal with the outings, dinners, drinks, explanations, etc. Good luck to you and protect yourself. I have come to the conclusion that I, even with my lousy fibro, am far more worth than many other people i know. I hope you will find somebody who will appreciate you and give you the space you will need when you'll be less fine. good luck

 
Old 07-03-2006, 11:52 PM   #5
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Victorville, Ca USA
Posts: 356
MOMOFBOYZ HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Hi rstarre, I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can only imagine what being lonely and trying to date in todays world with this would be like. But the flip side, and I do think there is a flip side. See, when you do find the one. She will most certainly be understanding. B/c she will know form the start what some of your disabilities are. Maybe even someone with a chronic condition as you who will actually understand the problems and pain that come with it.
I don't know the answers but I am 40. I have been married for almost 14 years and we had so much fun. Seven years playing before kids. And now even though he is a trooper and tries to get it. He really doesn't. I actually made him say the word today"FIBRO" He is in such denial that his wife could have a chronic condition. He want's to fix it. He want's his old wife back and his old life. And God knows I try. I am not the same. And may never be.
So I guess either way we go here it isn't perfect.
If I were single I may find a support groupfor fibro or cfs. Maybe meet someone there. I don't know.
Being married and getting it is no walk in the park either,
Lots of hugs and prayers
Deena

Last edited by MOMOFBOYZ; 07-03-2006 at 11:55 PM.

 
Old 07-04-2006, 06:53 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: chicago il
Posts: 552
builder HB Userbuilder HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

TUITTIFRUITTI..Wow you hit the nail on the head. I can never make plans to do anything. I use to dread the weekends because the woman I was dating wanted to go to dinner, show or to a club. She use to complain about sitting in the house all the time. I know it wasn't fair to her, but you just can't go out feeling this lousy. I know exactly wat you mean by coming home from somewhere totally exhausted. I had no desire to go to weddings or parties where I would have to socialize with people. This condition puts you in a nasty mood most of the time. We'd fight all the time about it and I'd get ****** because she just couldn't or wouldn't understand the pain we are in. I get mad at myself for not doing more things and going out. But how can you feeling like we do. It is not just the pain. It is the whole mental attitude Fibro patients get from feeling like crap all the time. I also had no patience to have people around me. I live alone and I'm not sure with my Fibro, I can ever live with someone again unless I meet a woman who has Fibro like me. that is the only way someone can relate to what we have to go thru. Thanks for the reply. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like I do about going out and doing things.

 
Old 07-04-2006, 07:46 AM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Indy
Posts: 119
Emmabean HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Rstarre, I really understand what you are going through. I was single with fibro for about five years. My most embarrassing moments were renting movies and falling asleep every time we watched one! Most of my single friends wanted to go out socializing till wee hours of the morning. Well, you have to order the non-alcoholic drinks and go home early. It's a bummer.
I pretty much just dated casually that whole time, not looking for a committment. I had single guy friends who understood me and were just my friends. I met them at church. They were sweet enough to take me on dates to dinner, the ballet, for walks once in a while, etc. I would ask them to dinner at my home when I felt well enough. But there were no expectations for it to go beyond friendship although I could tell they were attracted to me. I treasure those years and those memories even though I struggled emotionally because I didn't have a deep, intimate relationship. I am so very thankful to have such good friends who created great brotherly-sisterly memories with me and were true friend-companions. They were there when I needed them and when I felt well. I know these types of relationships are unusual these days, but they were special guy friends I had. They were also probably struggling because they didn't have deep intimacy too, but we didn't discuss that too much.

My husband has chronic back pain. It was wonderful to be understood at first. We didn't go out a lot because we were in pain. I felt he was sypathetic to my needs. But I want to caution you about thinking you need a fellow fibro-mate. Now, three years later, with two people in pain, moody, occasionally depressed, frustrated, unable to accomplish responsibilties, unable to meet the other's needs, it can be twice as difficult. I'm not saying you shouldn't date another person with fibro, but you should not necessarily seek it out either. The most important quality would be patience and understanding. You know, a non-FM-sufferer can be uplifting if they have the right kind of heart!

It's very difficult to meet unselfish people, and I see you live in Chicago, which is where I lived when I dated and found people to be sooo self-centered! But seek compassionate, loving, people instead of necessarily people with pain. I hope you feel better!

 
Old 07-04-2006, 11:00 PM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 115
tutti-fruti HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

rstarre, you have hit a very sensitive subject and i really really really understand and relay. Things are tough, but mind you, there are people who love staying home, watching dvds, reading etc. I know many people who really don't care not to go out so much. For me late nights are a big no no, cause the next day I'm sure to pay dearly for it, and I have lost all the late-night interest anyway. I have changed a lot since this thing happened. I cannot tolerate people's mediocrity, I'm very short fused and impatient. I want things to be done my way, I didn't use to be like that before at all. I don't necessarily hate this new me but ok it does get into the way of me meeting new people, socializing etc (i really have no interest). I'm glad that I work so I kind of "socialize" at work during the day, I mean, it's not like a lock myself at home from the morning until the evening. As for dating another fibro person, I personally wouldn't go for that either. Simply because I realized that if there is something wrong with my partner, like a normal back pain, or an ankle pain, or a bad cold with fever, you know, all these little things that happen to a person, I go completely out of orbit. I just don't have the endurance to take care of another person. Three months ago he had an acute gastroenteritis and had even to be hospitalized for one night and boy ! did I get tired ! running around in the hospital arranging things, talking to doctors, etc etc. And yet I did everything of course, I was totally totally shattered. I have a great deal of compassion for people who suffer physically but I can no longer help like I used to and I don't feel guilty and I don't care. Now my partner is having many many problems at his work, actually it's been going on for a long time, and you should see how down this thing makes me feel, cause I see him unhappy and he tells me all about it of course, and really I feel depressed, it drags me down totally. I have been promising myself to do a cognitive behavioral treatment as was recommended long time ago by my rheumatologist, but just haven't gotten the energy to go through that yet. But I will do that for sure, when the vacation is over, because apparently this kind of psychological therapy helps people who suffer from chronic conditions to see life as they used to, before their problem appeared. I have a terrible feeling of worthlessness/futility/lack of interest, and I would really like to fix it if it is possible. Many regards.

 
Old 07-17-2006, 09:23 AM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 12
la_in_fla HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Wow, I can relate to all of you. This topic is the reason I did the search that led me to this board.

I'm in a new (3 months) relationship with a man who really tries hard to understand, but I still feel that I am being unfair to him. He has a strong need to "fix things", and we both know he can't fix this, and it's very hard on him.

I was single/didn't date seriously for many years before we met, and I've only known I have FM for a couple years, but looking back now, I can see the effect it had on my prior semi-serious relationship, which ended over six years ago.

My worst problem with FM, even more than physical pain, is depression. I find that I usually have either depression (and "fibro fog") with milder pain, or stronger pain with less depression, but not both extremes at once. I've said many times lately that I'll take physical pain any day, which for me is a big deal, since I was always a weenie about pain until this became an issue in my life.

Anyway, what led me to this board is my concern about the way depression distorts my feelings. I was intrigued by rstarre's comment about becoming irritated if he spends too much time with someone. My relationship is a long-distance one for now, as he works out of the area and visits as often as possible. He is here now, for only two weeks, and I've spent the past 5 days or so in a flare-up/depression. I have been so irritable and snappish to him. I look at him, and I can't "find" those love feelings I had for him just a week earlier, that I know have to still be there. My emotions just feel . . . dead. I don't know any other way to describe it. I've had similar things happen before, but for shorter lengths of time, and the way I originally felt always came back, but it is terrifying to not be able to trust my own feelings, and I am very concerned that this relationship won't last because of this.

I was curious if anyone else finds that their feelings about someone can change like this. Maybe I can relax and learn to just ride it out and wait, if I know it's just the flare-up causing it.

He's such a great guy - gentle, loving, affectionate - and he even listens when I try to explain what's going on, but I hesitate so much to say words like "depression" or "fibromyalgia" because I don't want the people around me to feel like, "here she goes again", and I know it must sound like I blame everything that is wrong on fibromyalgia.

Sorry for rambling, but it sure is nice to find people who understand some of the things I'm experiencing. I wish you all well!

 
Old 07-17-2006, 12:35 PM   #10
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 21
wife_2_Jai HB User
Lightbulb Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Hello ladies... I am fairly new to this board myself... I have a girlfriend that lives with this pain daily as well.. Recently.. she tried a cleansing product that allowed her to feel whole again... I know from experience that cleansing encourages your body to naturally eliminate waste and impurities from your body. Now she is able to do her daily duties, sleep more better, take care of her 2 children, and horse back ride once again..

Just a thought for your ladies... I am thankful that I have no pain such as this.. I have heard alot from my girlfriend.. and have had some emergency calls from her to come fast... I should tell her about this board... she would have others to talk with about the same pains and paths she goes thru daily..

Good luck to all of you...
__________________
Lisa :-)

 
Old 08-15-2006, 05:09 AM   #11
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: terryville ct
Posts: 16
ohsotired HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by rstarre
I hurt almost everyday. I find it hard to have a relationship with anyone. I meet women that are interested in going to dinner or drinks and I feel so lousy most of the time...I just can't go. I find that I become irritaed if I spend to much time with someone which I attribute to my Fibro. I feel like a prisoner because all I do is sit home all the time because I just don't feel well enough to do much of anything. It is hard to get someone to understand why you don't want to go out or have to cancel plans. Making plans in advance is out because who knows how bad a flare up you might get a week from now. I wish there was a dating site for people with Fbro because unless you have it, there is no way a normal person can know or be sympathetic to what people with Fibro are going thru.

 
Old 08-15-2006, 05:20 AM   #12
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: terryville ct
Posts: 16
ohsotired HB User
Angry Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Boy do I know how you feel, I haven't had the energy to be out past 7 pm in a long time. By time I'm done with my daily B.S. all I want to do is go home and shower and get in my recliner, I wonder how it would be like to be pain free and go out on a date, have a goodtime then go back to the house and really have a good time. I use to be able to go to a message parlor where you could take care of bussiness but they shut it down. Well goodluck and stay as pain free as possible.

 
Old 08-15-2006, 05:24 AM   #13
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: terryville ct
Posts: 16
ohsotired HB User
Re: Fibro Is Killing My Ability to Hav A Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by ohsotired
Boy do I know how you feel, I haven't had the energy to be out past 7 pm in a long time. By time I'm done with my daily B.S. all I want to do is go home and shower and get in my recliner, I wonder how it would be like to be pain free and go out on a date, have a goodtime then go back to the house and really have a good time. I use to be able to go to a message parlor where you could take care of bussiness but they shut it down. Well goodluck and stay as pain free as possible.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
fibro plus adhd jhazzie Fibromyalgia 12 11-29-2011 06:21 PM
Do you know what triggered your fibro? PAinMA Fibromyalgia 61 01-31-2011 10:02 AM
anxiety/depression,etc a result of the pain,etc from fibro or Mikeyson3 Fibromyalgia 7 04-24-2010 04:00 PM
Newly diagnosed with fibro NY 1009 Fibromyalgia 35 01-18-2008 06:49 AM
How About Fibro Starting From Facial Muscles Tmj mooaa Fibromyalgia 3 07-14-2006 10:30 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Ambien
Cymbalta
Effexor
Elavil
Flexeril
  Neurontin
Percocet
Tylenol
Ultram
Vicodin







All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:05 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!