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Old 08-26-2006, 11:21 AM   #1
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Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

Hi Everyone,

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia August 3rd after years of chronic fatigue and 9 months of excruciating pain. I also have untreated TMD. My TMD treatment is in the planning phase right now.

I do technical support in a call center and 95% of my work is on the phone and computer. I am also paid pretty well but on short-term disability right now still awaiting a decision from Cigna whether or not my claim is approved and I have had no income for 9 weeks. (OUCH!!!)

My fiance doesn't understand. He agreed with the diagnosis of TMD (my TMJ pops loudly when I chew or open my mouth, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know I have TMD) but he thinks the Fibromyalgia diagnosis is premature and that the TMD treatment will fix all my problems for good. He is also "disappointed" in me that I haven't acted more eager to get back to work. My fiance made it clear that he will not support me and my kids financially even though he earns a six figure income. I am not too hopeful for our relationship right now.

From many months of experience, I know that the biggest aggravators for my pain are desk work (inactivity, focusing on the computer), insufficient rest, and stress. Regarding the desk work, I've been working with an occupational therapist for over a year to find the most ergonomically correct postures and equipment, and nothing helps. Regarding fatigue, it is impossible to get enough rest when I am working. I don't sleep well at night and I'm often troubled by insomnia and frequent wakening. I also have three boys who demand my attention after work in the evenings. Regarding stress, my fiance feels I am not a diligent enough parent and he's fed up with paying for everything so our relationship is on the rocks right now. He also doesn't agree that my problem is Fibromyalgia. He read my book on Fibromyalgia and he still doesn't get it. I can relate so well to everything in the book and he doesn't see how any of it relates at all. He is worried that I'm going to quit my job even though I keep telling him that I have no plans to quit. I am trying every treatment under the sun to get well and get back to work!!! ARGH!!!

My fiance and I are going to counseling but I can't get past the fact that he's made it 100% clear that he will not support me financially if I need to change careers. The only way I am "allowed" to stop working is if my long-term disability will keep paying.

Anyone relate? Does anyone have any advice for me???

 
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Old 08-26-2006, 08:05 PM   #2
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

Check out fibrofix dot com. They sell nothing, but offer hope.
This site has helped me get rid of all fm symptoms.

 
Old 08-26-2006, 08:52 PM   #3
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

yes, i can relate. my husband is a wonderful man, but he's not very sympathetic when it comes to health. after him storming off yesterday, shouting at me very loudly that he couldn't handle this anymore (not sure what he can't handle as i've kept my symptoms very private), i've realised that i cannot lean on him for support.

it sounds like your situation is really stressful - and i know that stress does not help these symptoms. do you have any other family around you who you can lean on for some support? someone to take the kids for an afternoon while you go to get a massage, or a pedicure, or some kind of treatment for the FM? 'you time' is very important, and it sounds like you are being stretched every which way. being a mum, a fiancee, a worker, plus all the other stresses and strains of life. something's got to give, right? it's usually our health.

not much i can offer in the way of advice, as i'm also stumbling my way through this right now. i don't even know if i DO have FM, but all signs lean towards it as far as blood tests go.

i can offer you a virtual *hug* though, and say that there is someone out here that understands how you feel.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 04:43 PM   #4
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

Thanks, Aleenia!

My kids are 16, 12 and 6 years old and luckily can look after each other if I need to go out. Since they are in school and I'm off of work for disability for now, I am lucky that I get a lot of time to myself. My entire family lives in California so I'm pretty much on my own out here in Colorado and I have few friends. I am outgoing, but a private person socially and professionally. This hasn't turned out to be an asset!

My relationship with my fiance continues to deteriorate. I have been very "aggressive" with my treatment and doing everything I can to stabilize my life and my body and return to function. The last six months have really been an awful, awful run for me and I think my fiance has it set in his mind that this is how life with me will always be. He doesn't give me a lot of hope with this attitude and at times I feel very unlovable and worthless.

Screw him, I will live my life to the best of my ability and find a way to peace, happiness, and health with or without his arrogant unforgiving butt.

Thanks for the cyber-hug too! I needed it! {{{HUG BACK ATCHA}}}

Last edited by ArtsyAthlete; 08-31-2006 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 06:18 PM   #5
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

hi artsy,
there are kind gentle men in our world. don't settle for one who isn't. life is too short to hang your hopes there.
i was in a relationship when i got sick. got the same garbage and more. they do not ever get it so don't hold your breath. if they were going to get it they already would. i had to have mine removed to jail at the end of 16 years together.
when my mom was considering remarriage she told her beau, love me love my children. support us, care for us, marry all of us and we are yours. if all you want is me, move on. my step dad was the best.
i am in a relationship now that is glittered with kind words, massages, reminders to take my meds, drives to the doctor, reminders to eat, fixes my meals when i am there and wants more than anything to find a way for me to heal. together. not go do it and come back when you are perfect.
so do not settle. there are good men for us sick chicks. smart men who see quality and deem the effort worth it and more.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 09-04-2006, 04:30 PM   #6
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

There are good men out there, just keep doing what is right for you and your kids. I have been with my husband for over 15 years and I have days when it is so easy to see how blessed I am to have him. We visited his family out of state last week and I didn't have to ask for rest stops to move around, he knew when I was starting to hurt. He had words of some kind with his mom before we got there and made sure she didn't bring up things that would upset me. He holds me when I cry, even if he doesn't understand what set it off. And when I hurt, he rubs the area gently and tries to make me feel better. He may not understand why I hurt or get depressed or whatever, but he supports me. He even tried to make me feel better going over a bridge by teasing me, I recently developed vertigo but his teasing got me to look from up high and I discovered if I am in a moving vehicle, I don't get the vertigo, only get it when I am still.

If he doesn't love you enough to support you emotionally or even financially if necessary, then he doesn't really love you. Just my opinion

 
Old 09-07-2006, 09:48 AM   #7
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

Artsy,

I absolutely agree with treiler.

I too am sorry that your fiance is the way he is. I was almost completely bedridden for 10 years because of chronic fatigue and firbro. I have only started recovering in the last 2 years - especially the last year.

I don't know what I would have done if my husband would have been the impatient, yelling, condeming kind. I think if your fiance cannot support you when you are in your "worse" state (you know "for better or for worse") then all his good conduct when you are in your better state is a lie and you need to get rid of him. And definately don't marry him.

Love is being there for the person when they are in good health OR bad health. If he can't deal with your ill health how is he going to deal with you when you can no longer do anything for him and will require him to do alot for you???? You need to really ask yourself that question.

I know you didn't ask for advice but I'd like to give it anyway - you need to dump his sorry b*tt. No woman or man needs a fiance, spouse or so called friend like him. Do you realize that bottomline he's calling you a liar, is degrading you and will, if not already, humiliate and make fun of you.

My husband does NOT make a 6 figure income and he completely supports me and has spent all of our savings trying to find out what was wrong with me and on meds, supplements etc to get me well.

Stress is a trigger for CFS and Fibro - can you imagine what your fiance' is going to end up doing to you? He will make matters worse - far worse, extremely worse.

When you are ill the way you are and are becoming you need someone who is kind, patient, respectful, loving, supportive and loving and who will take care of you when you need to be taken care of.

It's hard enough to be sick like you are you and you definately don't need the additional stress of him being nasty, sarcastic, & unbelieving.

And he has told you that he will not support you and your kids if you get sick. This man is a JERK. Get him out of your life as quickly as possible.

WHAT, you are only good enough for him as long as you have any health problems - someone needs to tell that BOY to go grow up.

What would you do for him if he became ill? If you say you would support him and his kids, be kind to him and take care of him during his illness then that is exactly what you should expect from the man in your life. If he will not do the same for you then you need to get rid of him.

For years my husband did the grocery shopping, vaccumed, dishes, cooked, ran the errands - he did everything and not once made me feel guilty for being sick. That's what a good MAN does.

You need to dump your fiance - cause all he'll do is bring you down anytime he doesn't think you are measuring up to HIS standards. AND, your kids absolutely don't need a role model like that. Can you imagine how they might treat their girlfriends, or wives when they grow up!!! That is scary.

Good luck and I'm praying for you.

Last edited by Edi; 09-07-2006 at 10:00 AM.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 09:53 AM   #8
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

well I don't know the first thing about fibromyalgia, but I do know a little about men.......LOL
Your fiance is showing his true colors early.....good.....now you can make a decision if that's really how you want to live your life.
You are suppossed to love someone in sickness and health, and he hasn't even made the vows yet, and he's already harassing you about not supporting you throughtout your medical concerns.....
I'd re-think this relationship. Partners are suppossed to support each other, not threaten and bully. You don't need him!

 
Old 09-12-2006, 05:05 PM   #9
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

This is not so much in response to the mating situation as just generally as without the other close mating may be difficult. Certainly was for me. As I read your post one of the things that struck me right off the bat is that you must be doing a lot of stationary work. This is, I think, one of the worst things for fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed in 1979 after many years of investigation. I tried to outrun it. I tried to sleep it off. Medicate it. I have found my way slowly over 35 years with aching muscles and all that goes with it. I am now 55. . I think learning to enjoy more in life, the pleasures, [removed] letting go of outcomes - is critical to fibromyalgia survival that can result in a fulfilling life. My suggestions only - not advice ... but my suggestions are CLEAR OUT the clutter. Whatever it may be. Put yourself and children first. You will not be sorry for this. Try to swim ... but not against the tide! Float above the pain ... know that pain passes. Pacing. Love will find its way when the mind is clear and the body more relaxed. Do not lose heart dearheart. [removed]

Last edited by HBMod07; 09-13-2006 at 11:40 AM. Reason: Promoting your own web site is not permitted

 
Old 09-13-2006, 02:36 AM   #10
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

My long time girlfriend could not or would not understand the fact that I did not feel good. We'd argue all the time about going out. I don't know if people don't believe Fibro is real or not. I wish there was a Fibro dating site because then the other person would understand how you feel.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 11:47 AM   #11
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

Hi Artsy,
I am 37 tomorrow I'll be 38. I have not been diagnosed with anything yet. But I am in such pain. I used to clean houses. I help my husband with some construction work. I only have one house I clean now. I am exhausted. I can barely get up and down our stairs at times. It hurts to sleep. Hurts to do anything.
My husband and I are in a big fight right now. He just doesn't care. He keeps saying my fatigue is from my fear of what is wrong with me. My fatigue is from being in pain and not sleeping!!!!!
I have been having back pain and chest pain. Heart palpitations etc... Thinking I am having heart attacks...my husband doesn't even seem to care. I think he believes I am making all this up. It hurts. I feel worthless. I feel so ashamed that I cannot get motivated. I just feel like I am waiting to die.
Anyway, be glad you are not married. Your fiance doesn't understand. It is painful to live constantly with someone who looks down on you for hurting. I know from experience as you do too. Let go of him. He sounds like a turd and he sounds selfish!
Laura

 
Old 09-13-2006, 02:16 PM   #12
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

hey laura,
you can always get a divorce. never forget you only feel worthless if you decide you are. you are not. just changing. not all men can change with us. bet the way you feel about yourself has something to do with words he is saying and you are believing. don't go there. you know he is wrong so stop letting the words get to you. stop talking about it to him. i had to during my last relationship which lasted 16 years before i tossed him out on his ear.
hang in there girls, and remember we bleed, not them. so who is the strongest of them all?
peace and many woman hugs,
bluelakelady

 
Old 09-13-2006, 02:26 PM   #13
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

Bluelakelady,
Ha ha you made me laugh. Thank you. Well the "D" word has been on my mind. Because inside I know I am a good person. I have put in 110% into this marriage. I am sick and I am tired. I have two kids from a previous marriage. Unfortunatly I feel stuck. I feel like I cannot even work anymore. I need some time alone I guess and get things straight in my head. Find something that I CAN do for money so I can get out of this.
Thanks for the support.
Laura

 
Old 09-14-2006, 05:03 AM   #14
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

morning laura,
glad i could bring laughter to your lips and mind. always good to laugh. you are not stuck. you only feel that way right now. there are always ways out. battered womens sanctuaries you can turn to. look in your phone book. your children will be happier if their mom is at peace and feels safe. they follow our lead. never do we want our babies to learn bad habits from the poor choices we make, especialy in the partners we choose.
you and your doctor can apply for social security disability. it takes time, but is worth it in the end. as for work, i have no doubt with your good mind you will think of something you can still do to support yourself and your babies. does the ex pay his support as he ought to? holding my breath and hoping he is an honorable father. what about familial support?
you are a woman. you gave birth to two children. that takes alot of woman power. realize if you could do this, twice yet, you can do anything. we are strong and powerful, yet in an unhealthy relationship, we lose this knowledge. we allow the words of others to influence our thinking. at first we do not realize it is happening. then one day we wake up and look at the person next to us in bed and wonder why we are there and who is this person lying next to us? i call that the first awakening.
i spent a total of 29 years in unhealthy relationships. please do not be as slow a learner as i was. i am in my 50's now. my son and i survived the first one, as well as the second.
now i am in a friendship/love relationship. we do not live together and will not. better this way. he is supportive, takes me to the doctor anytime he feels i ought not go alone or i ask. tests and such. runs me bubble baths, massages my aching body, understands when i simply need to sleep. then he wakes me for meals he prepares. holds me when i need to mourn yet another lost aspect of my freedom. he is my friend first and the rest is frosting on the cake.
there are good men out there. first tho you must learn to live alone and be strong. learn to see the red flags of warning in behavior and run like hades the other way at the first sign of an abusive nature.
we women are goddesses. never forget you are a magical being here on earth. strong enough to go thru childbirth and gentle enough to soothe our babies when they are sick or afraid. respect yourself and others will follow suit. being sick we forget to respect our abilities and trust our instincts. we become unsure and afraid. this is not a good space to be in. unhealthy for you and your wonderful children.
words cut deep. deeper than a slap upside the head. verbal abuse is insidious and sneaky. a word here and word there and before you know it you are lost in their words and cannot find your own. please little sister, do not settle for less than what truly gifts you with joy, peace, security and love.
peace and woman power,
bluelakelady

 
Old 02-13-2007, 10:30 AM   #15
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Re: Relationships... UGH!! Need advice or support

I know this is an old post but I was searching this site for some support and found this post. Just reading it has brought lots of sadness and tears to my face.

I get little support and understanding from my husband. He won't educate himself on what I am going through and I find that I have to constantly repeat myself on what FM is and what is does to me but he just does not absorb any of the info at all. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Since my DX about 3-4 years ago, I have gained 70 pounds, I am no longer working, I no longer keep house like I used to even though I try, we are becoming financially strapped even though he says we aren't, I want to go back to work so bad but there are no jobs in my area that will cater to my needs at this time. I feel STUCK and not sure what direction this is heading in but I know something needs done soon.

Thanks for hearing me out.......I check in here periodically although I don't participate much anymore. It is just too hard to sit because I have ants in the pants and need to move constantly.

Hope everyone is doing better these days

 
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