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Old 02-13-2007, 06:11 PM   #1
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Do they "get it"?

I've come to the conclusion that there are 2 groups of people in my life now: those who "get it" and those who don't.

Those who get it are supportive, and understand when all of a sudden, I don't feel like doing something. They understand the mood swings and don't take offense. They understand why I can't eat certain things like I used to. They understand that I don't use my condition as a crutch, but that it has made me make changes in my life and lifestyle, and that I'm constantly learning each day.

Then there are those who don't. Those who get angry at me for changing plans last minute, or for not being as responsive to them one day as they'd like. Those are the ones I am finding that I am drifting away from, because they cause added stress.

Do you all find these two groups as well?

 
Old 02-14-2007, 11:33 AM   #2
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Certainly. And I think our experience is also common in others with disabilities & chronic illness. But one problem somewhat unique to fibro sufferers is that the source of our trouble is invisible & even not well understood medically. It's very easy for insensitives (including med pros) to assume we're faking or that we need psychiatric help.

And I think your solution, drifting away from those who cause stress, is pretty common, and helpful. In cases where it's family members with the nasty reaction, things become more difficult. But anyone who is simply ignorant or ill-informed about fibro has potential to learn about it & change. Those who simply pressure you & get angry -- ya gotta wonder.

Best wishes.

 
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Old 02-15-2007, 08:23 AM   #3
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Re: Do they "get it"?

hi new girl,
i used to. now i only have friends who "get it" as you put it. there will always be compassionate people and those who are not.
i did a true evaluation of the people around me several years ago when it all started. i found i really did not want to be around the ones who were choosing to live in chaos and wanted me there with them. those who did not make room for me as is. so i told them kindly to go away. this they did do.
it was one of the smartest moves i made in my personal path to the best health i can attain. mental health and physical health are intertwined always.
as for family. i am fortunate. my sis has a friend with fibro. yet there was a moment in the beginning where she forgot to gift me with the same love and compassion she gifts to her friend. i called her on it. actually i burst into tears, ran from the room, and when my mom asked me what was wrong i said i am afraid, i want to go home now. i had been there 2 days after staying away 18 years. that was a few years ago. i am happy to report that i have a very loving, caring family who has taken the time to educate themselves and adapt to my ever changing reality. they are the best mom and sis any girl could ask for.
talking will never get the "get it" we seek. either they have it or they do not. and if they do not it is their right. as it is our right to step away and find new friends.
so, no sister of fibro, i have only one group, the keepers. life is easier this way. more fulfilling. more fun. safer too.
peace hugs and friendship,
blue

 
Old 02-15-2007, 09:39 AM   #4
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Re: Do they "get it"?

bluelakelady----A wonderful acknowledgment you have had. You're right some get it and some don't in mnay aspects of life. I have had strangers be more compassionate than family and close friends. I started to weed throught the ones who can't lieve without drama as I have had it forced on me most of my life and really didn't want or and have no time for it now. Peace is all I want. And people in my life who can support me and I can support them in their needs. Wishing you the best.

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Old 02-15-2007, 02:59 PM   #5
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Re: Do they "get it"?

i have found out that i only have friends now that "get it". it is exhausting trying to explain it all the time to the ones who don't.
i was a little upset the other day because i am friends with one of my neighbors and she said that she was telling her friend who also is a neighbor that i have fibro and she said oh that is nothing. she also said i know some people with it and they still work and live normal daily lives. i don't think that she understands that people who have fibro are all different and some have it worse than others. she also didn't know that i also have a herniated disc as well as other things.
this lady doesn't even know me. how rude huh?
i guess we will always run into people like that. i don't waste my breath on those people though. if they do have questions and want to know more about it i will be happy to explain things to them.
i think it tells you who really cares about you thats for sure.
robin

 
Old 02-23-2007, 08:11 AM   #6
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Blue is so right. And girl75, I have neighbors who are the same way. To the point where they even judge me because I take an antidepressant. I used to go out shopping with these girls once in a while and have stopped only because it was a waste of time for me being that they power shop. My one neighbor can wiz through the food store in 20 minutes and spend $240. I cant even get through the produce section in that amount of time.

A psychologist once told me many years ago that, "If you have stress in your life, you need to eliminate that stress. If that stress happens to be people, you need to eliminate those people." I told her I could be arrested, she said eliminate them from your life, not the planet... I was disappointed. LOL! But true; even if they happen to be family, you have to disconnect for your own health.

I believe the nasty, unsupportive people I used to work with and for, greatly exacerbated my illness. I was told by fellow employees and supervisors that there was nothing wrong with me, its all in your head. And of course as all FM sufferers do, I questioned my own sanity.

After years of suffering physically and mentally, I became so sick that I went out of work on disability. At that time I made the conviction that NO ONE can tell me how I feel, no doctor, no friend, no unsupportive a-holes. I now have friends who "get it". And doctors who believe me. I still have friends that don't get it and expect that I can still participate in life with the same vim and vigor I had before I became really ill. The friends who do get it, make a caring effort to include me in their lives. They accommodate my short comings, encourage me to participate with them in the activities I used to enjoy and accept that sometimes Im just not up to it, but enjoy my company enough that they want me with them even as just a spectator. They don't get mad if I can not even go, but gently prod me to keep active, even if they have to pick me up and hold my hand while we take a walk around the block. These are the friends I cherish most.

My husband says he understands, but he doesn't. He resents that I am no longer working and thinks that because Im home, the house should be clean and a seven course meal should be on the table every night.

He is away right now visiting his family in Florida. He called me last night and asked if I miss him. I said, "NO, and don't come home sooner then I expect you because this past whole week has been so stress free without you here... Do you want to know why? Because the kids and I have ordered out or went out to dinner EVERY night and we LOVE IT!" Of course he went on to tell me his mom was making salad and she was preparing 6 different kinds of fish for dinner last night and that she has made such wonderful dinners while he has been down there. So I told him maybe he should live with his mother if he expects that from me because he's going to be disappointed. So my latest realization is: I am no longer going to stress out if I am unable to prepare dinner. My husband is no longer going to make me feel guilty because I am not the mother he had or the wife he thinks I should be. He doesn't understand how I feel, he resents that I am not working and ill and I am no longer going to feel responsible for his inability to accept that this is real.

Surround yourself with supportive, understanding people. Those are the ones who care about you. The ones who don't get it and get mad aren't friends with you for who you are, they are friends with you because they want things of you and when you are not able to give those things, they take it as personal rejection because they cant accept that its really the illness.

That's my philosophy on the subject and its worked so far...now, how to get rid of my husband?.......

Feel well Folks, Felicia

 
Old 02-23-2007, 11:18 AM   #7
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Re: Do they "get it"?

bravo felicia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stick to it no matter what. it is the only course that can affect change. be it him choosing to downsize his expectations and help out or he can choose his mom. ya know?
i am proud of you.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 02-23-2007, 11:38 AM   #8
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Thanks Blue and I love your posts, you must be one lovely Lady!

Yeah, he'll get an ear full when he gets home. Unfortunately, he loves me. He still looks at me with doe eyes and romances me over the TOP... to the point of nausea. Seriously, it can be disturbing, especially when you dont feel worthy. Believe me, Im no godess in any way, but he still looks at me as if I am. My friends wish their men treated them like that... so I ask if they want him. LOL

Thanx again. Feel Well

 
Old 02-23-2007, 01:05 PM   #9
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Re: Do they "get it"?

there is a huge difference between love and need. perhaps what you label his love is a deep need. remember even the best love can be misused. doe eyes and worship are nice, very nice. being treated with love and respect is better, way better. love means stepping out of the center of the universe and putting someone else by your side before you step back into the center. it is a sharing.
i once told a man he had to choose. i was either his mom or his lover. can't be both. hey, is his mom close enough to deliver meals or him pick them up on the way home??? compromise.
give alot of thought to what you want to say then take the hurt and anger out of those words and speak what is left. to be heard one must never be aggressive. choose words you yourself would want to hear if positions were reversed. remember words you would like to hear, not the ones you do hear. no tit for tat or you will lose ground and respect. his and your own. if you have his. questionable if he is not catching up to your reality.
thank you for your kind words. i work hard at it. as always it is worth it. be firm and kind. speak from how you feel about you. not how you feel about how he feels about how you are sick. ya know? this is how i feel. not this is what you do. words are powerful tools. used properly they restore peace or lay a foundation for change.
i will be gone up the mountain till monday. will check in then. write stuff down and read it. that way you will know how you sound. do this alone. sometimes our words do not say what we want to say, but rather what our emotional state is at the moment.
peace,
bluelakelady
ps. anger never helped anyone, least of all us fibros. do not indulge youself, you will pay. and it will be your responsibility for the pain, no one elses. we all have power over only two things in life. our minds and our mouths. so i mind my mouth.

 
Old 02-23-2007, 08:41 PM   #10
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Thanks for the post. I was feeling sort of bad because I have been avoiding my family lately because they "don't get it". Just too much stress even talking to them.
Linmarie

 
Old 02-24-2007, 05:30 AM   #11
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Blue,
Thanx for the psyc session. Your reply made me cry. Not in a bad way. Made me realize quite a few things just within your first few sentences.

The difference between love and need.. I have felt for a long time that my husbands love for me isn't because he loves me, but because he needs me... and only for sex. We have been together for almost 23 yrs., since we were 18 and fresh out of high school. He says sometimes that he wants to go park and neck, like we used to when we were 18. He says he wishes I was still the wild sex machine I was when we were young. I sak him, "Who else were you dating? You married the wrong one." I tell him, my love has matured and he hasn't. He tells me Im his best friend. I tell him, If I were, he wouldn't expect so many things from me when he knows I am not able to do them all the time. I told him I feel more like his ph**k buddy. He constantly invades my personnel space, has to be touching me whenever he's near and for nearly 20 yrs, when lying in bed, I have to tell him to stop putting his legs on me because it hurts my back and my legs. I feel the only way he will stop this is if I rip his legs from his body and beat him to death with them! If he walks by me and brushes against me, its most often my breasts that he brushes. When I take offense he says he didn't know he did it. Yeah, right. FOR 20 YRS YOU DON'T REALIZE YOU DO THE SAME THING ALL THE TIME?!!!! If Im standing at the sink doing dishes, he doesn't come up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders or on my waist... he puts them around my waist along with the breast brush or folding his fore arms under my breasts for an incognito lift and jiggle. How awful am I? I even tell him I cant wait till his thing stops working, then maybe we can have the kind of relationship I need. Then I tell him our insurance doesn't cover Viagra. LOL! Ive even told him I wish he were a woman! LOL!!! Do I feel respected? HELL NO!!

Yes, my anger this week has to do with my med change... but believe me, many years of therapy have taught me to argue from the, "how I feel" stand point. I do make up my own mind and my mouth can spew some biting things, but when I get to the point I cant take being disguarded and abused anymore, I lay it on the line calmly. He pacifies me for a few days and gos right back to the same behavior he did before. Being nice doesn't get me anywhere, leaving seems to be my only chance for peace. But unfortunately I have children and am retired/disabled. I was approved for my pension this past November and have to start doing the papers for my SSI. He handles all the house papers and bills. Once I hopefully get SSI, I will be bringing in enough money to support myself. Not that our relationship has been all that bad... I just get tired of the disregard of my feelings, the disrespect of him continually doing the things I have asked him not to for 20 yrs. and HIM JUST NOT GETTING IT! I want to smash his face in sometimes!!!!!

Thanx again. Felicia

 
Old 03-11-2007, 06:35 AM   #12
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Wow this sounds like my husband. But I dont want to get rid of him, I just want him to get it!!

 
Old 03-11-2007, 09:04 AM   #13
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Re: Do they "get it"?

Tammy, I don't want to get rid of mine either but I am not going to be abused and treated like a piece of meat just because he isn't getting his fill. I deserve to be respected. I act like a lady out side the bedroom and expect to be treated as such. I may be more willing to accommodate him in the bedroom if he listened and treated me like a lady during the day. I do not find outward displays of sexual behavior socially acceptable. What's meant for the bedroom, should be kept in the bedroom. I have two children I am trying to raise to be sexually moral. In this day and age its important to teach children that their bodies are a gift that god gave them to share with the person they intend to spend the rest of their life with. Respect for yourself and the person you are with in public displays honor and true appreciation of the person for who they are inside. You want the world to respect you, put the person you are with on a social pedestal, but they should also do the same for you. Which is a good reason to bring up Bill and Hilary Clinton. What a disgrace. Thank goodness my kids weren't old enough to be interested in the news, but man, what a display. That situation seemed to have a big impact on the sexual morality of this country. I have no respect for Hilary, therefore will not vote for her, I cant stand her. I don't care what your political agenda is. Your husband is the president and screws around on you and publicly humiliates you and you stay married???!!???!!!!!! I certainly hope more women have the moral conviction that I do come election day next year!! I don't even care who is running against her, Im voting for the other guy. Even if its Obama...sounds too much like Osama... HAS THIS COUNTRY GONE MAD!!???!!!
Well, at least they are in the same party. LOL!
Anyway, my husband blames the meds for my lack of interest... I just tell him its not the meds its the fact that I don't need it as much and the desire is less when I don't feel respected. I think this post should have been added to the relationships thread, but anyway.... His not getting it in bed, has a direct correlation to him not getting it when I tell him I don't feel respected. His not getting it in his head, has a direct correlation to him not wanting to understand. Does he love me or just my boobs?
Anyway, Feel well, Folks, Felicia

 
Old 03-12-2007, 09:57 PM   #14
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Re: Do they "get it"?


This is sooooo true. People who cant see with their own eyes, tend not to understand where the pain comes from. I have had some people in my life like this and at various times throughout my life, their doubt has actually made me question myself. When this happens I actually feel like I am going crazy because I know the pain I feel and the difficulty I have just in doing normal everyday things, and then I start thinking like they do. I ask myself, "you dont look sick, so therefore you must not be sick" and I wonder if there are others out there who share that opinion. I need to go and apply for benefits as I have been unable to work for the past year and it isnt getting any better. The only thing that is happening is I am getting deeper and deeper in debt as ive basically been living off credit cards for the past 6 months and i dont expect my employment status to change anytime soon.
I know I need to go in and apply ASAP but I am actually afraid to go in there and be judged, or be given a hard time, all this depending in which category of people this person I have to see will fall into.
In any case, its nice to know there are other people out there who are in the same situation as myself.






Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewfmgirl View Post
I've come to the conclusion that there are 2 groups of people in my life now: those who "get it" and those who don't.

Those who get it are supportive, and understand when all of a sudden, I don't feel like doing something. They understand the mood swings and don't take offense. They understand why I can't eat certain things like I used to. They understand that I don't use my condition as a crutch, but that it has made me make changes in my life and lifestyle, and that I'm constantly learning each day.

Then there are those who don't. Those who get angry at me for changing plans last minute, or for not being as responsive to them one day as they'd like. Those are the ones I am finding that I am drifting away from, because they cause added stress.

Do you all find these two groups as well?

 
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