Hi all,
I'm having a rough time here and I didn't know where else to turn. I've had fibro for 5 years now and in the last 6 months it has flared up so badly that I had to stop working. I'm married and the mother of 2 young boys - 5 and 3. I was only working 3 days a week, but it was 3 days I got to use my brain and have my husband pick up half of the housework. Since I had to stop working, my husband is working 6 days a week running his own carpentry business. Before I stopped working, I tried to have several candid conversations with him about the shape that my body is in. And explain to him that I was, unfortunately, going to need his help around the house even though I was now not working. I didn't stop working because I wanted to. I stopped because I HAD to. This health condition has affected not just me, but him too. He's not talking to me about it, just burying himself in work and drinking with his buddies on the weekends. He's not keeping up with his commitment to help me around the house. In fact, it's quite the opposite. So I'm left with a messy house, mounds of laundry since I can only do about 2 loads a day without hurting, and the responsibility for running the household and raising our boys. I didn't sign up for this condition, and I certainly didn't sign up for feeling all alone in this. Some days it just feels so hopeless and humiliating not being able to function the way I thought I would at 33 years old.
I am glad you wrote. I can relate to what you're living. Has you husband ever gone to the Dr.'s with you? Have you seen a Dr.? The reason I ask is because, my husband understood what I was living when he came with me to one of my appointements. This way he could ask all the questions he wanted and my dr would answer him. He came out of the building understanding more. I didn't tell my dr that he was coming so, he knew it was not pre-arranged. I also couldn't do much at home but, I figured what I did is already my best and that is all. Then if you can do all bite more the next day then you do it. But, don't feel guilty. I know what I am going to say is going to be nearly impossible but, "YOU HAVE TO AVOID STRESS". Stress is what causes flare ups and a whole lot of pain. I am unable to work. My husband understands now and he really helps me. I wonder if you would show him the message board. If he could read about what other people are living maybe he will help you more. He will see that you are not alone, plus he could also ask us questions. (It's just a thought).
It could be that your husband is tired from working, and feeling unable to talk to you right now because, he doesn't know what to say. He may not be able to express himself. As for the house cleaning. It doesn't matter that it doesn't all get done. Just start your day by seeing what you're body has instore for you for the day. Then take it from there.
Christine, I just wrote a lovely, long post, and I messed up and it is gone. I know exactly what you are going through. I am 31, and I am a stay at home mom with 2 boys, 2 and 4. My husband used to burying himself in golf, and drinking too. I have had to hire babysitters to help me. At one point my husband said to me I do not ask you to help make money, so you should not ask me to help you with your job. When I asked him for help when I was sick, I rarely ever got it, and I learned not to ask. It was pathetic.
It took my husband 8 months to start to do things to help me. I take care of 98% of the house and 99% of the boys. It is not easy,and I take a lot of breaks. My best days are when I do not move. I feel good sitting in one spot and with my heating throws and pads. I have to be careful not to overdo it, or I will pay that evening and the next day.
Christine, you need to be good to yourself, and take care of your children. So what if the house is messy, you are sick! You and the kids come first. I wish your husband understood more. Maybe if you leave your house messy for awhile like a week he will get it, that you are sick and can't do as much as you used to. He wants to fix you and he can't. He wants whatever is wrong with you to be fixed. Also men don't like to talk about things. We as women want to talk, that is why I come here. I can chat, and get things out. We can talk to other people who have the same issues.
Please keep posting, it really helps. My husband is trying, but it took a long time, all in all, 5 years. Even before I started battling chronic pain, I was on my own, as far as getting help when I was sick.
Good luck,
Kassandra
Last edited by gorgee; 04-10-2008 at 08:34 AM.
Reason: spelling
sounds like hubby is running scared. when a man can't "fix" it he runs. into his work hopefully. usually into a bottle, sad to say. been there.
my latest man friend and i have stepped back to just friends. he can't handle it and at least had the honesty to tell me. no abuse or mean words. just honesty about his fears and weakness. as a friend he can be removed emotionally and still be there for me.
i feel sorry for men. in a good way. a sad way.
my mom once said to me, what makes men think they can treat women the way they do? my answer was, the women who let them. never forget we are the backbone of the world. we have alot of power we forget we have, or gift over to our men, never realizing they are not up to carrying a load so heavy.
men also need a list of what you need them to do. much like the chore list one puts up for children. they are not hardwired to look around a house and see what needs doing.
i tell my daughter this often. also we talk about how to ask for help. be specific. say please and thanks. stuff like that. i learned the hard way. i suppose we all do.
peace,
bluelakelady
Christine, I'm so sorry you're going through so MUCH so all alone! Here, you are not alone. There are several who are completely invisible to their husbands.
It has helped me, since getting on this board, to realize there is no way under heaven my husband or sons will ever understand this stuff--they would have to have it to understand it and anyone on here will tell you that. So it might help to just start the conversation with that reality check and then move on to what BLL said, that he can't fix it either and you don't want him to walk around with that burden in his heart.
One fellow sufferer said she eventually quit having meals/clothes ready for her husband and started going out when he was supposed to be in. After awhile he wanted to know why. She made it clear she never intended to do life alone. He got his head in the game then. I personally thought that was a great idea. My husband did not become supportive until I became 50% disabled with some kind of chronic respiratory thing and my mom got on a plane and parked herself in our home until everyone got it, including me. Later when the FM started in and took over, he was far easier to come around. He was raised to hate whiners, so it was hard for him.
Just quit, Christine. Just do what you have to for the kids and quit all else. Rest every chance they give you and do not burden yourself with anything else. If possible, eat out every meal for a week. Send out the laundry. Hire a maid. Help him get it. Do not begrudge yourself the time to talk to friends on here. For many of us, fingertip friends are all we can do now, and they are great practice for when you are up to others. Take care, kiddo!
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