I have all of the above but feel it all so much more this time of the year. Yesterday I felt so bummed, anxious,exhausted,sore and emotional. I cried last night and couldn't stop, just every sad thing was flying back at me. This time of year always bums me out but I was trying to get into it all a bit- I went totally manic and bought everything one could buy for scrap-booking and making Christmas cards-now I just don't feel like it. I want it all to go away. My patience is at nil for everything and everyone. I hurt every where including my big toe all the time - last week I fell out of bed! Thump. I fell between my bed and my computer desk that is on rollers. My left forearm is so black and blue and swollen I look like I've been in a car accident. I have just been so tired I guess I just turned to mush and rolled off the bed. My bed is pretty high above the floor so it was a really stunning event. I couldn't see where I was, on the left or right side on the floor by my bed as it was so dark-I just knew I really hurt myself and wished I hadn't been wakened so abruptly. My husband was going to put bed rails on my bed-NO! My patience with other people and there issues is zip. I am freezing cold all the time when usually I am so hot I am ready to jump out my window. My husband keeps loading the wood burner and I keep opening the doors-not lately-burrrrrrrrrrrr.
I gave myself a B12 shot the other day because I am so desperate for some energy and mental clairity -hasn't kicked in yet. My anxiety is driving me buggy, I also have COPD so I really feel like it's hard to catch my breath and then I get into full tilt panic mode. I have made a counseling appt for next week with my DR. No interests, I would like to sleep, not have to think of anything and be warm forever. I want everyone to go away and just leave me alone. I can't even think and if I do I over think everything. I find friendships exhausting so I have managed to push those away so I don't have to make excuse for being sore, tired, uninterested etc,
Please don't get the image of a dark craggy old woman with an oxygen tank in my walker. This is not me. people have no idea I am depressed because I always appear so vibrant and happy and I am good at one-liner's so they also think I am funny-hahaha I have been on antidepressants for years-300mg Wellbutrin in the morning, 20 mg Prozac at night. I am on 3 inhalers for COPD as well Singular to relax my airways. Clonazapam for my anxiety, metformin for my blood sugar, Gabapentin for my fibro, Pantaloc for GERD and on & on - so the Dr has pretty well covered every area for relief. I was almost going to delete this post but what the heck.
Last edited by ebrena; 12-03-2008 at 11:19 AM.
I can totally RELATE. I just told my husband almost exactly the same things you have said.
I don't know what it is. I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm not one to get this way and yet I feel totally out of whack.
I don't have the patience to put up with a nat and have not been kind to my wonderful hubby lately. Everything he does irritates me. This is not like me. It's like some chemical thing is going on.
I just want to jump out of this body like the gingerbread man out of the oven and never look back. I don't even love my dog these days and ask my hubby to take her to kennel for a few days.
It's not CHRISTMAS.......I got over that hoopla......most of it senseless to me a long long time ago......and all the pressure to do it no matter what. It's crazy when you think about the pressure WE put on ourselves about stuff that is STUFF. That's my humble revelation on it.
I've just been in soooooooooo much pain and debilitation lately it's driving me crazy. I'm shut in and stir crazy. AND I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with a form of muscular dystrophy on top of Fibro the neuro says that is eventually fatal.
Do you think people die of fibro ? I just feel like I'm dying......I've never been sooooooooooo stressed, put out, irritated, and want to play in the traffic before.
It's got to be something in the air....allergy....chemicals.....pain.... ..something, but I do feel like I'm loosing it. I'm sure I need counseling. I have NO CLOSE friends left......no energy or health to deal.......so I must pay someone to listen I suppose. Most just do not understand anyway. ,,,,,,,,,and that's even more frustrating.
SOOOOOO, what I'm trying to say is: You're NOT ALONE. I'm sorry and I wish I could make it better for you, me and all.
Thanks for replying to my post snickers. That is an awful burden on top of it all to be diagnosed with muscular dystrophy - there is always someone worse off, that is what I keep reminding myself. I even find noise is making the hairs on my skin stand up, I cannot handle noise. Speaking of dogs I have 3 bulldogs and they were looking at me today with big sad eyes and I was trying to do stuff but they were making me feel so bad I put them outside for about 1/2 hour. We have a fenced in yard - but I mean I love my dogs and I just don't have the patience for them - makes me feel bad.
Ah Christmas! I hate Christmas I am getting better at wiggling ,my way out of Christmas obligations- I just say NO I don't want too-I hate Christmas-go have fun do what you want, just go away. Today I put up a small tree in the kitchen to at least show I did something today, my heart wasn't into it. I never even liked Christmas as a kid, my dad was a miserable man and just always stressed me out, so I guess it just stuck with. I hate receiving gifts, I hate buying gifts- just because it's Christmas. If I see something that reminds me of someone I will just by it at any ole time of the year.
Seems to me I was like this last year too, maybe. It feels like it has to be something physical but besides my muscle and soft tissue pain and my extreme exhaustion and total lack of interest I guess I'm ok. I have friends who want to see me beofre Christmas and I don't have the energy to drive into town for lunch. I need to snap out of this.
Christmas time is hard for us on here for one reason or another. I'm inclined to think that pretty much anyone with chronic pain is severely depressed at times. Yes, I also agree that when we think that our lives our so horrible that there's always someone worse off than we are. I get this way too, except for 2 of my girl everyone lives in IL. As I get older I miss them more. But by the time the day gets here, my best friend, goofy girls or son-in-laws have done something bizarre and I end up in a better mood. I have a very nutty family and we laugh a lot. You never know what they'll be doing next.
I wish you peace and a better tomorrow.
DeBeachSiren thanks for the reply it sound like you have a wonderful circle of friends and family and they love you very much and you all make each other happy. Today I feel fine, I think this time of year I just feel exhausted all around-perhaps it is how I deal with stress-I don't know. It just doesn't take much anymore to wear me down. I start out ok but as the day gets closer I feel and take on other peoples stress, I'm like a magnet and I just don't have enough energy to take it on bur it consumes me. It's not that I really "hate" Christmas because I love the decorating and making things in preparation for Christmas but when the actual day comes along I feel like I just want to be alone. Once again I think it's the people around that wear me down. My husband starts drinking Bailey's first thing in the morning and continues on through the day. Christmas just seems to be missing so much to me. Like something isn't as it should be??? The people I see having the most fun are all mainly boozer's and I don't drink mostly due to my health issues and medications but I never did like drinking at Christmas I hate hangovers and it takes my energy away-fogs my head. If I was to carry on and party from the time I woke up no one would have turkey! I am the responsible one or so I believe -if I didn't pull it all together everything would fall apart and I can't stand disorder when things need to be done for the happiness of others and it seems I am the only one this bothers. I wish I could just turn it off and pretend it doesn't bother me and just forget about everyone else, get drunk and everyone fend for themselves but that's not me-it would bother me. So hence the stress, the aches, the brain fog, tiredness, depression and being all up-tight until it's all over. More so than any other day of the year I feel I need to be in control for the happiness of other's. I need to unwind and just roll with it, but I just can't seem to do it. I'm a "people pleaser" a stressed out, uptight, sore all over-people pleaser. But it's only for one day-right?? I better start loosening up now or otherwise when the day gets here I will be so seized up I won't be able to move. I think this is where my fibro comes in-mental/physical stress. It will work out it usually does.
Last edited by ebrena; 12-05-2008 at 08:32 AM.
Reason: addition to post
I find that as soon as the pain and debilitation lift, so do my spirits. Who doesn't get depressed when suffering like this. It comes with the chemicals, meds, pain, stiffness, extreme fatigue etc. I think. Then when that lifts somewhat, I'm a happier person immediately.
Wishing you all......all the best. Don't let the Holidays get you down....it's not the end of the world if we're not Martha Stewart. People and relationships are the important things......not paper, gifts, food, decorations, etc. It's just stuff, and life will go on if it's not all done.
I use to be MS MANNERS, MARTHA JR, etc....MS PERFECTIONIST.......NO MORE.....maybe it was the Lord's way to help me PRIORTIZE the important things from the un-important. Yes, I've been liberated from THE HOLIDAYS, and the MARTHA STEWART SYNDROME.
Ebrena.....I have a husband that has a heart of ice usually, unless he's got something wrong with him or he wants something. You, like I seem to have to be the stable ones. I'm a perfectionist and that is sooooo not something to be with this. Sweetie, something you're going to have to do is just say no, done, kaput. Like Snickers says we aren't Martha Stewarts, when it gets down to things in reality even she has stuff hired done. So there ya are, haha. Don't you wish sometimes that for a gift you could let everyone that doesn't understand 30 minutes of a flare? The boozing is kind of a drag. There's a little drinky to celebrate, but not a day to get trashed. I lost my 20 yr. old son 1/1996 and that is what really ruined holidays for me. But we have to get through things, we have no choice. That's why this is so important.......we have one another on here. Hang in there everyone.
Yes, you are right- NO - is a wonderful word. we should make signs in big print-one that says NO (do it yourself) and another for when we are on a flare- ON (please go away).
I lost my mom on December 30th 2005 and I loved her so very much, she was my best friend and I have felt alot of of sad since she's been gone. Sorry about your boy DeBeachSiren loses like these definatley do change the holiday festivities for good.
Thankfully my drunken family doesn't like my drunken husband so they are not here at all over the holidays. I couldn't take that. My husbands dear 90 year old mom is coming here for Christmas so I will make it especially nice for her, but simple. I'll only do what I can and no more, if I need to have time to myself I will re-group in my room for a few minutes. I do have to do that to get through.
Thanks you all and hopefully a nice pain free relaxing holiday to you all.