saugus

Hello:

I am a male. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia several years ago. I am still in denial. I'm an engineer, and I have always lived by the rule: "If you can't root cause it, it doesn't exist." That is why I am having such a tough time accepting it. I want hard evidence. I want a test that says, "There, proof positive that you have Fibromyalgia!" I know, with current technology, that that is not going to happen. At times I feel ashamed, when I see my Primary Care physician, complaining about how sick I feel. About how much pain I am in. About how I have days where my brain is in such a fog that simple tasks overwhelm me. My Dr, a female, has no problem with my diagnosis and is totally supportive. My neurologist, a male, who diagnosed my condition, obviously has no issues with his diagnosis. It's me who has the issues. I hate it with a passion.

This is the first time that I have actually said it to anyone. It's nice at times to be anonymous. I have four loving sisters, and I'm still unable to tell them about my current illness.

It started eight years ago. I was healthy and active. I would bike about 20 miles a day, and then go for a swim. It was a good summer. That following winter I came down with flu-like symptoms. I had a fever for several days and just felt bone-tired. I've been falling off a cliff in slow motion ever since.

The progression of this illness over the last eight years has been horrific. I am barely functioning right now. I wake up in the morning, and feel as if someone beat the hell out of me overnight with a baseball bat. Some days it takes all I have just to get out of bed to shower and shave and get dressed.

I have episodes where the pain is so bad that I find myself curled up on the floor almost to the point of tears. The pain seems to radiate everywhere, and the pain is deep, as if in my bones themselves. My shoulders, my arms, my legs. I feel as if I want to pull my arms out of the sockets. I want to take my hands and just squeeze my legs as hard as I possibly can. It's hard to explain. I have been given prescriptions for pain medication and for Lyrica. I have yet to use them, as I have a real phobia about taking medications.

I also have days where I really can't function mentally. I write software scripts, and I find myself unable to code things I've written hundreds of times before. I find myself staring at my computer screen, having no idea what I was doing five minutes before. Mental lapses, or whatever. Staring off into space. I was once asked at work if I had been drinking. It's also affected my digestive system to the extreme. And sleep. What's that? Seems I use to remember sleeping years ago.

Until recently, I had been very fortunate in regards to my job. I could work from home on days when I could not make it into work physically. For my fellow geeks, thank the stars for VNC and VPN.

But my luck ran out recently. Last November, I was in such bad shape, that I had to go out on short term disability. I just could not function, even when working from home. I returned back to work in Early January, even though I knew it was a bad idea, as did my Doctor. But I was scared, with the economy and all. Well, last week I lost my job. I was a victim of down-sizing, or so they say. I personally think they let me go because I've been sick, and they could see it. The fact is I was let go, as others were, so I may never really know the truth. It was devastating. Fourteen years with the company.

So, for the first time I admit it: I have Fibromyalgia. I hate it, but I have no choice in the matter. It has taken so much from me. So very very much......

Thanks for the ears.