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Old 03-03-2010, 05:03 PM   #1
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husband's midlife crisis

I think more men than expected go thru midlife crisis and I think my husband maybe going thru it. I feel that having fibro although not having him do that much for me has still added to my downfall by me not always being able to go and do things that he wants and for the past year not having a job
. Has anyone else dealt with a spouse's midlife crisis and did fibro play a small part in it. thanks

 
Old 03-04-2010, 04:17 AM   #2
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

When you say midlife crisis, do you mean an excuse for adultery? Here's a midlife crisis for him. The gal he promised to love through sickness and health needs him more than ever. Stand up and be a man. Great option for getting beyond the immature years into the mature ones.

To answer your question, my health problems have helped me loathe myself. It's easy to go there when health keeps you out of the game and makes you not even want to go to the game. It is hard for spouses, especially ones who are used to removing obstacles in their paths. My husband was one nonstop commitment after another and I didn't mind; I was proud of him a lot of times. I always thought he had so many talents and I was just glad to back him. That was before my health got so bad he had to step in and start helping with the kids and house. It was an adjustment for him to go from every man's man to our man. But I don't think he regrets his extremely important place in our lives. I think he finds us more real than any of the superficial relationships he had in all those activities. And he's found more reasonable activities (sports, church) that don't leave him so unavailable as he was before and that don't have to include me. He's gone from his immature years where he mainly thought of himself to his mature years where he calls and checks on me and the kids frequently. He is a man.

Are you okay, sherspock?

Last edited by baserockermom; 03-04-2010 at 05:41 AM.

 
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Old 03-04-2010, 06:16 AM   #3
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

(((Gentle hugs S))))...

~Belle~

 
Old 03-04-2010, 06:45 PM   #4
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

Sherspock, I hope you are doing ok and I hope I wasn't too harsh on your hub. In the last ten years I've gone from never wanting to be weak in front of my husband because weakness just wasn't allowed or permitted to finding he'd grown to be the only one who was "all in" when it came to accepting what gets dealt. Those in between years were horrible. I hope you guys are doing ok.

 
Old 03-05-2010, 05:57 AM   #5
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

No it is not adultery it is just that I can not go to as many places as before like long drives and do what I did before so it limits him. He does have to mature and I have to make an effort to find places we can both go and do things instead of sitting at home or just eating out. He has problems telling me what he is feeling instead just gets depressed or angry or withdraws and I have to have the courage (which is hard for me) to address the problems and resolve them instead of just ignoring them. The fibro limits me in what kind of job I can apply for and get (unemployed now)and in getting tired. I am learning to adjust and we will have to work on both adjusting to fibro's effect plus he is realizing his mortality. Thanks for caring

 
Old 03-06-2010, 02:16 PM   #6
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

I am a mid to late 30 year old male that has fibromyalgia and a special needs child. And I have to say, I think all men at some point go through a mid life crisis, at least in their minds. My confidence has been low, I don't have much work, social, or sex drive, my wife has a low self-esteem and wants to lose weight....I was beginning to wonder if I could even connect to anyone socially again, as I have lost friend after friend due to not calling people back or keeping in touch with them, being too sick or too tired or too in pain to care.

Recently, we went on a cruise without the kids. There were a lot of women and men who were sharp looking, and a lot of people who were a lot more successful than me. I didnt' feel like being social.. I began to feel depressed...

One night, I had a seaweed wrap massage and the therapist, from another country, really listened to me. She spent extra time going over my fibromyalgia and what she would recommend, even though she could have clocked out and ended her day 45 minutes previous. She was good looking, but it was her personality I was attracted to.....for someone who never could get any doctor to listen....and couldn't put two sentences together, I actually was coherent that night. She gave me her email and gave me a hug on the way out.....and as I walked down the hall, I realized how vulnerable I had become. If for any reason she would have come on to me at that moment, a large part due to my fibromyalgia and inability to really explain it even to my family....I don't know what I would have done. I would have resisted but it was the exact moment where that person made me feel special...something that doesn't happen often with fibro. It almost made me cry thinking I had actually made a friend, even if it was one I wouldn't talk to ever again.

Now relax, nothing happened. Haven't talked to her since....but here is my point. Up until a certain point in his life, a guy lives basically for himself and does his own thing, even when married. Then at some point, perhaps he starts to lose hair on his head, gains a few pounds, can't keep up with the younger guys in athletics...and then he starts to lose his self-confidence. Perhaps he can't work as well as he used to. Then you realize all you have left is your family and kids and you are no longer attractive to the outside world, in many cases. That is a hard transition to make. Though I would never cheat on my wife, I can say I've had the feelings of a mid-life crisis, and it snuck up on me when we went on a cruise without me even realizing it. The cruise really up to the massage put me in depressed mode as I felt so less successful than the people on the ship. Afterwards, I really was in a mode where I was questioning myself and where my commitment had gone.

I think I need to spend more time with other men. I find that when I have an outlet and can share my frustrations, I feel closer to my wife. It's when I have no men to share things with or outlet that I struggle. More time spent alone the worse...need to be held accountable.

Last edited by Ace88; 03-06-2010 at 02:38 PM.

 
Old 03-07-2010, 05:35 AM   #7
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ace88 View Post
I am a mid to late 30 year old male that has fibromyalgia and a special needs child. And I have to say, I think all men at some point go through a mid life crisis, at least in their minds. My confidence has been low, I don't have much work, social, or sex drive, my wife has a low self-esteem and wants to lose weight....I was beginning to wonder if I could even connect to anyone socially again, as I have lost friend after friend due to not calling people back or keeping in touch with them, being too sick or too tired or too in pain to care.

Recently, we went on a cruise without the kids. There were a lot of women and men who were sharp looking, and a lot of people who were a lot more successful than me. I didnt' feel like being social.. I began to feel depressed...

One night, I had a seaweed wrap massage and the therapist, from another country, really listened to me. She spent extra time going over my fibromyalgia and what she would recommend, even though she could have clocked out and ended her day 45 minutes previous. She was good looking, but it was her personality I was attracted to.....for someone who never could get any doctor to listen....and couldn't put two sentences together, I actually was coherent that night. She gave me her email and gave me a hug on the way out.....and as I walked down the hall, I realized how vulnerable I had become. If for any reason she would have come on to me at that moment, a large part due to my fibromyalgia and inability to really explain it even to my family....I don't know what I would have done. I would have resisted but it was the exact moment where that person made me feel special...something that doesn't happen often with fibro. It almost made me cry thinking I had actually made a friend, even if it was one I wouldn't talk to ever again.

Now relax, nothing happened. Haven't talked to her since....but here is my point. Up until a certain point in his life, a guy lives basically for himself and does his own thing, even when married. Then at some point, perhaps he starts to lose hair on his head, gains a few pounds, can't keep up with the younger guys in athletics...and then he starts to lose his self-confidence. Perhaps he can't work as well as he used to. Then you realize all you have left is your family and kids and you are no longer attractive to the outside world, in many cases. That is a hard transition to make. Though I would never cheat on my wife, I can say I've had the feelings of a mid-life crisis, and it snuck up on me when we went on a cruise without me even realizing it. The cruise really up to the massage put me in depressed mode as I felt so less successful than the people on the ship. Afterwards, I really was in a mode where I was questioning myself and where my commitment had gone.

I think I need to spend more time with other men. I find that when I have an outlet and can share my frustrations, I feel closer to my wife. It's when I have no men to share things with or outlet that I struggle. More time spent alone the worse...need to be held accountable.

 
Old 03-07-2010, 05:44 AM   #8
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

my husband does not have fibro but I understand about how time changes you I am in my 50's with fibro. I guess the main thing is focus on what we can do, how we can help society, family, friends even if it is just a smile or a uplifting word. Fibro as any chronic illness can make a person depressed or concentrate on the negative you have to fight to concentrate on the positive and there is positive. Look at Helen Keller and Joni Eareckson their lives and how they handled their seemingly insurmountably problems
I do not know how they do it. Maybe belief in God and the value of a human being no matter what they can do helps and no comparison to other people we are all individuals with different gifts and no one is better than another in my opinion. And yes spending time alone is not good for some I volunteer at a hospital. Good luck

 
Old 03-07-2010, 02:33 PM   #9
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Re: husband's midlife crisis

ACE, thanks for the insight from a male perspective. With or without fibro, it was great info.

Glojer

 
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