Re: Where are my emotions? I'm scared.
It sounds like you have shut down, unable to grieve. Tears are very healing and you sound like you have not grieved all you have missed out or lost.
There are some good therapies, in the alternative field-in correcting your breathing mechanism and teach/train you to breath from your diaphragm rather then the shallow breathing that people result in when there is the feeling of grief, or anger prior to that. Suppressed anger, acts like a lead on your whole being. When you are assisted to breath in a deeper and cyclical way consciously....meaning directionally under training, a lot of that will be reliesed and free your held back emotions. You can check under "consciously connected breathing therapists. Also if you have held back your feelings for far too long, and shut down emotionally, you feel life being pointless or dull or lack of meaning in everything, or joy.
Physical deep muscular work can also assist, but not ordinary massage. Body (integrative) work is foccussed on finding where the problem is and working in a specific way that releases those restrictions. You may feel pain, but that is good, for you start feeling yourself, and the pressure is what releases the restrictions. Structural Integration or somatic therapy are all foccussed on releasing long held back emotions, which reside in your body.
I hope this help you in a way, that you can find treatments that can help you, one step at the time, but your breathing is very important to correct it, before starting on body work, because you control the pain with deep breathing when you are treated. It has helped a lot of people.