I am asking for advice and wondering if anyone else struggles with family issues concerning this illness. I am very thankful that my parents and family love and support me. They want to support me in any way they can. I am truly thankful to have their love. What bothers me is that my mother keeps giving me advice as though this illness can be fixed. "If you just try this little potion I bought for you in your drink once a day...Are you taking your calcium/magnesium?...You really should be in physical therapy...Look, this new highly expensive vitamin pill is GREAT for fibromyalgia...Are you doing your water aerobics? You need your water therapy...Have you tried the massage therapist I suggested for you?...Are you going gluten free this summer? You really should try it."
It is just driving me nuts. I have told my mom that this is an illness I will be living with long-term. I appreciate her good intentions but I prefer to be the manager of my medical treatment and I don't really need another manager. She was offended and said she doesn't want to have to feel guilty for making suggestions. It puts pressure on me as though this illness is my fault and in my hands to fix. I just want to progress as I focus on the various treatment methods as I see fit.
Had to vent here and I know many of you are loving mothers or fathers my mom's age as well as daughters or sons. Thought you might have insight.
Yes, my mother is always trying to fix things. I'm 29 years old, Mom, and I know the difference between a "treatment" and a "scam." But I know it's just her way of expressing love and concern. For the most part, I smile and nod. Once or twice she's come up with something that was actually helpful, like the Trigger Point Handbook. Part of it could be because when I first got sick, neither of my parents did much to help. Back when I was 18 and didn't know how to deal with doctors, having them take over and fix things might have been helpful!
My dad? We just don't talk about it. I'm not sure if he doesn't believe in fibro, or if he simply can't bring himself to accept that his baby girl isn't perfect. Our relationship is great otherwise.
As far as dealing with your mother, it might be best to just say, "Okay, I'll think about it." Or possibly, "I'm trying ABC treatment now, once I see whether it's helping I'll consider something new."
Or maybe it will work better to involve her in the process. Tell her exactly what you're doing and what you might want to try next.
Ultimately, she wants to fix it. She's vulnerable to scams right now, because she wants to believe that somewhere out there is the miracle cure for her precious daughter. You know and I know that it isn't true, and chasing miracles is a waste of money and energy, but she's not ready to believe that yet.
Yes, Jane, you are exactly right. Even though we are adults (and I, like you, have had this a little over 10 years now), we are their precious children and they don't want us to hurt. Today I talked with my mom about where I am in my level of acceptance of fibromyalgia. There is not a quick trick or a magic trick that will work and I am going to have probs, probably for the rest of my life. She said "Don't say that! No you won't! Don't ever give up hope."
Then I explained that I have hope and acceptance simultaneously. I accept that I must live with this terrible pain, but I am willing to try things as I am working toward them with my doctor. If I throw too many new things onto my plate, I become overwhelmed, so I prefer to just focus on the things I find most important for my get-better-plan.
I like your advice about how to express myself and involve her. I don't want to hurt her feelings at all.
My dad listens with concern, but he doesn't talk about it either. Lately, since I've been talking about quitting my career, he appears sad about that...that I have to endure this life-altering illness and won't live at the standard of living he's always wanted for me and provided for me. He does say, "Take care of yourself. Your health is important." and that is his support despite his sadness about it.
I have a whole cupboard full of stuff my mother has bought for me to try to help...mangosteen juice, magnetic bracelets, back cushions, you name it! I guess I just had to vent! So thanks!!
my son does that. i must get a call oh, once a week with something he saw on the telly. since i am the mom i can say thanks sweetie, i'll look into it when i feel up to it. it is their fear. be it mom, sis, kid, hubby, whoever. fear makes us do dumb things like chase around looking for an answer when there is none, yet.
one of my daughters is facing cancer again. me i am like you, there are no quick fixes, yet as a mom i find myself listening to all the options people give me concerning her and yea i will pass some of them on to her. suggestions only, no pressure. maybe, mostly i have to think on what really matters, her. i will follow her lead.
we are hardwired that way. my mom has never suggested any potion or magic pill. she is a skeptic like me. rather i am one like her. yea, i got lucky. she gets it.
it's hard as a mom to see our childrens lives altered and there is really nothing we can do. sometimes we push too hard and need to be reminded you are grown ups now.
give her a hug, tell her how much you love her for caring and you need her to relax a bit so you can also. tell her the best way she can help is to just be supportive and be gentle. i told my mom that and she has and it is enough for her to be at peace also. i do protect my mom from the daily crap of this and usually tell her after that i have had a flare. tho she does know i am going thru one now. she said, i know you will do what you know is best. let me know if i can do anything to help. those words are enough. it's the love not the worry that helps me most.
ps my father is not alive to comment. he would no doubt be as gentle as my mom is. but i think he would be sending me to every expensive doc first and paying for it, giggle. daddy are fixers. mine was too.
Last edited by bluelakelady; 06-24-2010 at 08:07 AM.
chicabella, blue and jane had some wonderful advice and things to say. I'm coming from a different viewpoint. Like Jane said, involve your mom. Call her everyday, several times a day if you want. Tell her everything about how you are feeling and how it is affecting your life. A few weeks of this and your mother will step gingerly around the subject and you won't be bothered anymore.......giggle.....giggle! I say this strictly tongue in cheek. I am a mom and have a daughter who feels good enough about her mom to call and share. As much as I love my children and want to always be there for them. I sometimes like the silence from the phone ringing.
Sounds like you can talk with your mom and be honest, that is great.
glojer you are a stinker! giggle. tho that just might work. submerge her in our world? chicabella you will have to decide if mom can handle that! it's no disneyland!
we moms are odd creatures.
hugs and peace,
Chicabella, glad you took it in the light hearted way I meant it. I read this thread on a day my daughter had called several times with questions about the purchase of their house. I was (underline was) in real estate for several years and of course she wanted to make sure all was going right, even though they had a very capable agent. I also think my DIL called a couple times that day. OH the ringing....make it stop.....giggle.....giggle! Of course if I don't hear from my children for a couple days, I call them....giggle....you just can't please me....giggle!
we know what kind of mom you are glojer!! yea, i'm laughing. glad we got you laughing too chic! it's just too funny the way we moms are. if we don't laugh at ourselves our kids might stop coming over. giggle. they can see right thru us so we might as well laugh cause we are so busted!
giggles, hugs and peace,
Your mom might be anxious; just a thought. Her suggestions may be her way of relieving her anxious thoughts as she tries to help you overcome. Is there a way you can involve her without causing her to be overbearing. If my daughter were to call and say the things I've said to my mom (before she passed on), I would be feeling anxious and concerned. Thank God my daughter is well and not experiencing this yuck!
kirstee busted us glojer. yea that's exactly what we do. there is no more helpless feeling than watching your child hurt and know there is nothing you can do to ease it. we always hope our childrens lives will be easier than ours, better, happier, more fun. when that is not the case, well, we really don't know what to do.
i do my best to follow my childrens lead and try my best to not forget they are grown and i am a spectator now.