Well, it's been a long time since I've posted. Since I last posted I've been turned down for disability for the third and final time. I'm still miserable, in pain, depressed and jobless............scared about upcoming money issues.
I'm trying to find a non-physical part-time job and I have put so many resumes out there for months now but I'm not even getting any calls for an interview. I'm confused because I'm totally qualified for these jobs.
I went to AZ for a week (last week) to visit some family I haven't seen in 7 years. Now, this is my first real vacation since I first got Fibro four years ago and I had no idea I would feel this bad afterwards. Before I got Fibro I used to very active....gym, biking, hiking, camping, etc. Of course I did none of that on this vacation. I can't seem to accept the fact that my body cannot keep up so I planned no down time. I'm in such pain, I don't know what to do. I've been off all meds for months now due to the fact that they weren't really helping all that much, plus I quit taking Celexa for depression because I'm trying to work on my libido problem (A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY) now I'm in pain, angry and depressed. My poor husband! Bless his heart.
So, basically the tons of walking I did on vacation is what's making me miserable right now but it's not only my lower body that hurts, it's everything plus I'm exhausted. I'm sleeping so much but it's not making me feel any better. I didn't tell anybody on the trip how miserable I was because I don't like to complain and I didn't want to ruin anybody's time so when we got back home last weekend, I just let it all out and bawled like a baby for two days.
I just can't seem to find any balance in my life. I have other health issues on top of these that I'm tryhing to deal with as well. I'm sick of going to doctors, I'm sick of feeling sick and sad. I always keep a stiff upper lip and try to be the strong one but sometimes I just lose it. I seriously think I need to see a psychologist or something. I know this recent flair will pass soon but there will be many more to come and there's nothing I can do about it. How can I look forward to anything when I know the misery it will bring?
It may sound as if I'm feeling sorry for myself but really I'm really just ****** off at Fibro and what it's doing to me and my married life. I vent a little to my husband but I don't feel like I should bombard him with it all the time. I only tell him what's wrong when he notices it on my face and he is understanding but he can never fully understand, nobody can except you all.
Whoever read this, sorry it was so depressing. I just needed this outlet and hopefully I'll have something more positive to say next time I post. Thanks for reading.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: dougrobin01
biogirl71 (10-26-2010),Sunsetnan (10-27-2010)
I am so sorry that you are feeling terrible. Please, don't ever hesitate to vent here. I think we all keep each other sane. I know how you feel about the pain, pain, and more pain, not to mention the depression. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is so easy to get ****** at this condition. I mean, it sucks!!! My fibro has been full blown for 9 mos now and I am at the end of my rope alot of the time. I mean, I've had symptoms for years but did not know what it was. Then, in Feb, it blew me away. I am in one huge flare with lots of flares on top of flares. Make sense?? I really truely feel for you and please know that we care here and understand. Lots and lots of hugs for you! oxox Diane
PS feel better soon!!!
Oh, I think that getting counsling for this is a very valid idea. I see my psych nurse tomorrow and I am stoked!
Last edited by biogirl71; 10-26-2010 at 02:14 PM.
Reason: added a comment
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being angry is the one thing fibro really wants you to feel. it feeds the cycle of pain, so it feeds fibro. this illness wants you scared, wants your stress, wants you to be unsure of everything so it can feed off your emotions. i spent 9 years with a shrink. one of my better ideas. your body has changed, forever, and you do need new skills for living in it.
learning to adapt to your changes is much easier than fighting it or caving in and giving up.
i also learned thru experience that if i want to blow out and have fun i also have to be willing to pay for it later. sometimes i pay, sometimes i get away with it. i decide if it is worth it and if it is i put all of me into the adventure and accept that there may be fallout. i plan down time for when i get done with whatever.
when i travel i always make sure i will have me time. i learned the same way you did. by forgetting i had changed and things were simply not what they were. an easy mistake to make when it's all rather new.
relax your mind, let it go. all the anger, frustration, angst will not heal you, it just prolongs what is going on.
so, crawl in bed, watch a good movie, make some popcorn or whatever and play drive in movie bed. take a few days to just be and every time it seems the pain is going to eat you alive, think on all the fun you had getting this way and smile. you had fun! that's a good reason to feel crappy now. makes it worth it. way less fun to be in pain for no reason other than fibro wants attention.
Last edited by bluelakelady; 10-27-2010 at 06:28 AM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to bluelakelady For This Useful Post:
Clare1975 (10-27-2010),dougrobin01 (10-27-2010)
I just had to say how wonderful it is to read those words! Of course you are right bluelakelady, the more stressed we become because of the pain and the more we think about it, the worse it feels. Pulsating nerve pain is from my face downwards today and yes I get sad and sorry for myself but I have my kids around me (they are off school this week) and I keep going for them. If I focus on the pain it gets worse, I try to keep busy by pottering around the house and I get strength from reading uplifting posts - thank you bluelakelady x Clare
it's funny but i don't get afraid anymore, or angry, and i never ask why me? that is what the shrink helped me understand. there are no rules in life, so why not me? i am not above anything.
no rules about how long you live or the quality of that time. we do however have a choice in how we respond to the events of our lives and bodies. we can let it eat us or we can dine on it, digest it, and move on.
having someone depending on you helps with the sense of lost self. you can't afford to go there, you have kids. you will always be who you are inside, where it matters most. your kids will remember the hugs, the quiet moments and not that mommy was tired all the time. sure they are aware but you set the example for them to follow. from you they will learn patience and compassion they would never truly understand from a healthy mom. there is always a rainbow to go with that cloud.
thank you for your kind words. if you had met 15 years ago, well, i just wasn't that smart or plugged in then. fibro loved that part. i was in a wheelchair for more time than i care to remember. understanding the boundaries of my body gave me the inner strength to get out of that chair and walk back into my life. my beautiful wonderful life.
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