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Old 12-08-2010, 12:27 PM   #1
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depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

I have my days where I'm just depressed. Today is one of them. I can't stop crying no matter how hard I try.
I've had probs since I was 18, 30 now. I've spent years trying to figure out what was wrong & just got worst in the process.
I finally have a diagnosis which is good because I can learn to control it. I try not to push myself, but I do tend to over due it.
I don't talk to my husband, don't know how to.
I spent years thinking that whatever was wrong with me would one day be cured. Now, I know I'm stuck like this. The last few months have been the worst.
Our relationship is rocky... I know he feels neglected. He knows I have back problems & I'll mention my back hurts, or I have a headache. I usually just say I don't feel well. In the past he'd say "you never feel well". He is more understanding since I have a diagnosis. But still doesn't get it. He's frustrated because I can't do the things I used to. I don't know how to talk about it. How to I explain that every muscle in my body is sore? ?I'm not one to complain. I don't understand why I'm sore, I can't expect him to.
Today my whole body feels heavy & sore. My back is killing me. My muscles feel overworked. I am so depressed & he thinks I'm just being grumpy. How do I explain anything to him when I don't understand any of it myself.
I feel fat, ugly & worthless. I'm so used to being independent & strong. I've always have a high pain tolerance. I'm so overwhelmed. I just want to lay down & sleep. But I need to do stuff, I feel so worthless. I have so much that needs done still.
I keep thinking that my husband deserves better. Someone he can play around with & goof off. I don't feel well so it's hard to be playful.
I feel like he settled for me. I don't like myself so don't understand why he'd want to be with me. I am just not good enough.
So, I'm thinking maybe it's better to be alone. Atleast then I don't have to worry about trying to make him happy. He really does deserve better.
I can go on & on. I guess I just need to vent. I don't know what to do. I love him & don't want to be without him. But I can't be the person he wants or deserves. The old me from 12 years ago would have been perfect for him. I'm just not.
Anyhow, Thanks for letting me vent. How do you explain what's going on to your loved ones?

 
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Old 12-08-2010, 02:54 PM   #2
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

I am divorced - but have been "dating" my ex husband of 20+ years. He lives in another state - the other side actually - I am in Va he is in AZ. He came to see me last month and did so much work around my house - I didnt even have the energy or motivation to cook for him. I love him dearly but I was so down and out - Novemeber is the month both my parents and my sibling passed - I just wanted to sleep. He did come out and tell me that he was feeling neglected - I didnt know what to say - I am not doing it to hurt him in any way. I wound up feeling worse - like "he deserves better" - I really understand how you are feeling -
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:41 PM   #3
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

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Originally Posted by jisduit View Post
I am divorced - but have been "dating" my ex husband of 20+ years. He lives in another state - the other side actually - I am in Va he is in AZ. He came to see me last month and did so much work around my house - I didnt even have the energy or motivation to cook for him. I love him dearly but I was so down and out - Novemeber is the month both my parents and my sibling passed - I just wanted to sleep. He did come out and tell me that he was feeling neglected - I didnt know what to say - I am not doing it to hurt him in any way. I wound up feeling worse - like "he deserves better" - I really understand how you are feeling -
Thank You for sharing It's hard when there is so much we want to do, & can't... I think it's the fact that it's hard to explain & hard for them to understand...
I couldn't imagine being so long distance... & my ex for that matter. You must be great friends to be able to do that! I hope it works out for you!
Have you been able to explain this to him?

 
Old 12-09-2010, 04:38 AM   #4
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

This may sound silly but have you ever thought of bringing him to the doctor with you so he could hear it from a physician. They may be able to better explain how you feel and give your husband a concrete answer. I would try to even print out the symptoms of fibro or show him some websites for him to read or even a book about it. It is very hard to explain when you look fine. And, you get tired of complaining and just want the old you back. I hope these suggestions help. Hang in there.

 
Old 12-09-2010, 05:47 AM   #5
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

I vote with TMTrots. Your doctor may be your best ally in helping your husband to understand what is going on.

I know how badly you feel, inside and out. If you can manage it, try taking a daily walk in the sunshine. Excercise of some sort will help you. Is there a Curves in your neighborhood? This place can tailor your program according to your needs. Also water aerobics is another option that will pull you out the dumps. The reason excercise is so important is that it produces our feel-good endorphins which will help you soooo much.

Another good way to help you in your depression is to join a support group. There may be a FMS support group in your area. Ask your doctor or call the local hospital to inquire.

Living with FMS can be managed. Feelings of loss and inadequacy are all part of the package, especially when the husband is not fully aware of how you are suffering .

Please take good care of yourself, measure what you do, and communicate with the hubby.

Blessings,
Kirstee

 
Old 12-09-2010, 07:33 AM   #6
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

If it gives any comfort, know that you are not alone. You have your fibro buddies to vent to anytime! These are a few of the things that make me feel better. Maybe they will help you. Sounds like you need to pamper yourself. Take the time to be kind to yourself. I know it seems indulgent, but it really seems to make me feel better. Take a hot bubble bath, complete with candles. Fix up your hair, makeup, fingernail polish. Use perfume or scented lotions.

Dress in comfortable clothes that make you feel good. I pray or meditate to help the inside. I like the suggestion of exercising. If there is any sun where you live, find it and bask in it for a bit. Take the dog for a walk, or go to the library, grocery store- anything to get out of the house and moving. Buy something that makes you smile- it doesn't need to be expensive. It may be a cheap necklace that has a sweet sentiment printed on it. My sister gave me a heart necklace that had a really nice sentiment engraved in it about sisters, and I wear it when I need a little encouragement. Every time I see it in the mirror, or touch it, I am reminded that I am loved. Turn on some music you like and dance to it- slowly to accommodate your painful muscles. Put on some soothing Christmas music.

Once you have "centered" yourself, then you will be in a better position to deal with your relationship with your husband. Marriage is not always easy, and when one person must give more than the other, there is often resentment and that only makes matters worse. It can make you grow closer or it can do the opposite. The suggestion of informing your husband about your condition is a good one, trying to get him to work with you as a team to confront FMS together. Let him know what things he can do to make it easier for you.

Let him know exactly where you are on a bad day. For example, you can use a scale of 1-10, with ten being the worst, painful day, and one being the best, pain- free day. You can say, "I'm having a 9 1/2 day today, could you...?" Then, he would be able to understand better.

I can only guess that your husband must feel left out when your life revolves around your illness and not him. Include him in some of your treatment, such as asking him for a massage if your muscles are knotted. Have him rub some muscle cream on your shoulders. And, don't forget to thank him and give him a hug for his efforts. Then, FMS is bringing you closer instead of breaking you apart. Of course, if you are having a better day you can give him a back rub.

If you work together, this might be a positive thing for your marriage.
Best Regards,

Last edited by Sunsetnan; 12-09-2010 at 07:35 AM.

 
Old 12-10-2010, 07:20 PM   #7
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

Thank You everyone
I wanted to take him to my last appointment but I needed him home to get the kids off the bus... Maybe next one...
He's doing better at caring for the farm which is good. I guess I'm more frustrated with myself. I've always had a high tolerance to pain & never been one to complain when I don't feel well. So, I bottle it up. Because I look healthy & act somewhat normal, he thinks I am. But in reality I feel beat. I've spent years trying to act normal. Worked hard to make a life. I always thought things would get better, this would go away. Now I know it won't. This last year has been the first I've taken care of myself for so long... I'm used to pushing myself all the time. Having a hard time learning to rest. I hate asking for help, doesn't happen very often... Only when needed... So, I guess I need to work on explaining myself when I don't feel well... It's been an adjustment & it is for everyone else in the family also. They will have to learn to get used to it.
Ugh, caught a cold, ick...

Thanks Again

 
Old 12-25-2010, 07:51 PM   #8
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

Omg I feel the exact same way!!!! My hubby says to me all the time..... U never feel good!! He is not understanding at all and what worse is that he has and was born with a disability which puts him in constant pain and has somehow learned to just live with pain and push on!!! He expects me to do the same and I'm sorry but I just can't!!!! God he makes me feel so horrible at times and just as he is tired of hearing me complain dang it I'm tired of feelin bad! Lol!!

 
Old 12-26-2010, 10:06 AM   #9
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

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Originally Posted by robinsjs18 View Post
Omg I feel the exact same way!!!! My hubby says to me all the time..... U never feel good!! He is not understanding at all and what worse is that he has and was born with a disability which puts him in constant pain and has somehow learned to just live with pain and push on!!! He expects me to do the same and I'm sorry but I just can't!!!! God he makes me feel so horrible at times and just as he is tired of hearing me complain dang it I'm tired of feelin bad! Lol!!
Not having a very supportive spouse makes it mentally harder... Which causes more pain... My husband is coming around.. I know it takes time but he is doing much better
You know, I've had probs since 99. I have come use to being tired all the time, brain fog, ect... Just learned to live with it. But putting pain on top of it has made it to difficult to just tolerate... I can't push myself anymore & having to learn to except it.
You husband has become used to pain & excepts it... The thing is... With Fibro if you push yourself through the pain, it only makes it worst till you hurt so much you can't move... He can probably push through his pain & won't get worst, but you can't do that... Maybe trying to explain this will help... Also, having him read up on the symptoms & everything. That helped my husband understand it much more & also helped him be more supportive...
It's hard when the one person you need the most for support, just isn't supportive...

 
Old 12-26-2010, 01:08 PM   #10
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

Yes it does make it so much harder since he's not supportive! I've shown him the symptoms and that hasn't helped but thank u for the advice. And yes pushing through does make it worse the next day and those after! I feel like I'm a lazy bum most days because I just don't have the energy to do the everyday things that need to be done that normal people do without effort!! Work is hard enough but after work I really struggle to try and get anything done like make dinner!! I mean is this the norm for people with fibro or is it just me??? My mom has it too and she doesnt seem to struggle as much as me and she's 20 years older than me!!

 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:33 PM   #11
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

I think everyone is different... Different symptoms & everything...
The last few months have been the hardest... Before I was able to push my self non stop... Didn't matter how exhausted I was, I pushed... I believe I had CFS... Anyhow, I've had probs for almost 12 yrs. But the last few months have been the worst because of the pain... Can't push anymore... I was able to work before, can't now... We have a Farm & it's depressing because I love it & have put sooo much into it... I feel like a failure. My mind wants to keep going but my body says no... Luckily I have depleted it allot & my husband is helping allot more. With 4 kids & all of their appointments, cleaning, homework, ect... It's tough... I just can't work on top of it all... So, all of your energy goes into your job... It's not you, you are not lazy. Just do your best & that's what matters. I focus on what is most important. It's hard because I'm a neat freak & do have to let things go...

 
Old 12-27-2010, 09:16 AM   #12
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

Thanks! I can't even imagine u sound really busy and I bet the kids do keep u busy! I don't have any kids which is good considering my health. I can't have any I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 25 and sonetimes I wonder if the lord did it for that reason. Who knows but I do believe everything happens for a reason!! Thanks again for ur kind words and I'm here if u ever need to talk and believe me I understand how I feel completely!! I feel like a failure at times too!! I'm just hanging in there and trying to do the best I can!!

 
Old 12-27-2010, 11:16 AM   #13
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

I've been blessed I have 3 & the 4th is my step daughter. But we have her full time. I always wanted 4 or 5 kids, it all worked out Funny thing is that she's more like me than the others! lol I would love to have another but couldn't handle any more. For the first time in a very long time, I'm taking care of myself. I've always put everyone else first.
I think everything happens for a reason. I've never had the easiest life. But I always twist it around & learn from it. I wouldn't be the person I am & have all of my blessings if it weren't for all those twists & turns in life...

 
Old 12-27-2010, 07:11 PM   #14
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

I feel the exact same way. I don't officially have a diagnosis yet, keep getting the run around from every dr. I see, but I have been living with chronic pain, depression, and severe fatigue since about 4 months after my husband and I got married. We have only been married 2 1/2 years now, and have been separated/nearly divorced several times, many times due to the fact that I am no longer the person I once was. I cannot keep/commit to plans, I get home from work and get straight into bed, I am constantly in deep, severe muscle/joint pain to the point that I've had to lay outside the bathroom in case I need to go b/c walking hurts too much. No pain medication helps, heating pads have been replaced by a giant electric blanket, and he doesn't know how to help. He says he frustrated, which I can understand learning to more sympathetic to, but much of the time I want to scream - YOU'RE FRUSTRATED? At least you still have a life! I've lost friends, jobs, opportunities, and, oh yeah, a little thing called the ability to complete the activities of daily living. It's extremely hard to convey how bad things are to him, and even when I do, he still thinks I can come home after a very long day of work (1+ hours from my home each way) and then go out, and be bright eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning. Every time I try to talk to him, he says things like "Well, all we can do is keep trying, keep seeing doctors." That "we" things really gets me. Perhaps I should be more receptive to it, but all I can think about is the fact that "we" are not continually poked with needles, shoved in MRI machines, humiliated with "you can't be that sick/in that much pain" questions, given ineffective pain meds, shuffled from dr. to dr., and unable to sit down on the toilet without immense pain.

 
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Old 12-27-2010, 08:42 PM   #15
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Re: depressed & don't know how to talk to husband

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Originally Posted by SilverGirl83 View Post
I feel the exact same way. I don't officially have a diagnosis yet, keep getting the run around from every dr. I see, but I have been living with chronic pain, depression, and severe fatigue since about 4 months after my husband and I got married. We have only been married 2 1/2 years now, and have been separated/nearly divorced several times, many times due to the fact that I am no longer the person I once was. I cannot keep/commit to plans, I get home from work and get straight into bed, I am constantly in deep, severe muscle/joint pain to the point that I've had to lay outside the bathroom in case I need to go b/c walking hurts too much. No pain medication helps, heating pads have been replaced by a giant electric blanket, and he doesn't know how to help. He says he frustrated, which I can understand learning to more sympathetic to, but much of the time I want to scream - YOU'RE FRUSTRATED? At least you still have a life! I've lost friends, jobs, opportunities, and, oh yeah, a little thing called the ability to complete the activities of daily living. It's extremely hard to convey how bad things are to him, and even when I do, he still thinks I can come home after a very long day of work (1+ hours from my home each way) and then go out, and be bright eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning. Every time I try to talk to him, he says things like "Well, all we can do is keep trying, keep seeing doctors." That "we" things really gets me. Perhaps I should be more receptive to it, but all I can think about is the fact that "we" are not continually poked with needles, shoved in MRI machines, humiliated with "you can't be that sick/in that much pain" questions, given ineffective pain meds, shuffled from dr. to dr., and unable to sit down on the toilet without immense pain.
I wish I could give you a big hug! I know how you feel going from 1 Dr to another. Walking out more frustrated each time. I didn't have pains for the first almost 12 yrs... The fatigue, Fog, heavy feeling, ect has always got me down. The pains didn't set in until a few months ago.
I can't tell you how many times I have felt so worthless, not good enough. My husband would love the person I once was... I'll never be her again. I've given my husband the opportunity to walk away but he won't. He used to focus on how hard it was on him. Before the pain set in I still pushed myself & worked on the farm with him. I can't do that any more & it's been so hard on him... I used to mend fences by myself & run around all day & dirty from farm work. Luckily he is coming around. He tells me now that he feels sorry for me. I figure it's better then him feeling sorry for himself because I"m going through this...
Anyhow... Have you seen a Rhumetologist?
I found a new primary Dr. The first time I seen her I walked out frustraited as usual. I remember trying my hardest not to cry... A few months later I went back again. This time with my Mom. I really think having her there to back up everything I"ve went through is what got my Dr's attention. She diagnosed me with CFS. I was sent to a Rhumetologist. It was Sooooooo nice to talk to a Dr & have him listen & nod his head in understanding. He asked me the perfect questions. I wanted to hug him! Today I talked to his nurse & we are switching meds. The fact that I have a diagnosis is a breakthrough! He is working on treatment. There is no cure but we have to learn to control it. I've had to learn to not push myself or stress. I still push myself sometimes & pay for it... But atleast I'm managing my stress... Anyhow, I just really hope you can find a good Dr! Soon! If you have seen a Rhumetologist & didn't get help, Please see another! They study this. This is what they are trained for! There is Help you just have to find it.
I think the biggest support has been here. I haven't been here long but I am amazed at how many wonderful people are here! I have learned so much! I also know I can come here & vent & feel comfortable doing so.
Anyhow, sorry to ramble. You were able to clarify your pain so easily. I can never describe to my family or friends how difficult it is. I look healthy. I put on my happy face. I can smile when I'm sad. I have years of practice! lol

 
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