I hate life, it's so hard. I have lost all will to live... and it's pretty much been like this for the past year. I hate everything, and I hate that I can't even feel anything I hate that I can't cry and how just dead I feel. Then I feel like I'm just being an idiot because I know other people deal with the same thing and are still living....
Idk I guess I just give up easy. I'm just so ******* sick of everything in the ******* ******* world. Gosh damn I wish I was just dead.
And last time I posted something my dad somehow ended up reading it and then sent it to a bunch of people.. i was like ***??? really? It was like super embarrrasing and long too, like 5 times longer than this and probably just as retarded like this post. I guess I'm just ranting cuz I don't know what to do with myself and I feel hopeless and like I'll never get better.
Sorry, i guess I just need something to hope for, or something that helps you?
Sorry you feel so hopeless right now. Life is what you make of it with the cards you're dealt. I keep going and do my best to not let FM be the winner, but also know the limit I can push it before going 2 steps backwards happens.
Sometimes you have to say screw it and fight for your own self to reemerge.
I hope I can give you some small relief even though I feel blah and bitchy. But first I must say, your Dad had NO RIGHT to read nor forward, send, talk about anything you write... What you write is how you feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you feel. Your feelings are not retarded, nor are your posts. They are your feelings, period.
I have other issues besides Fibro and each time something came up, I was told to do the same thing. I think it is a good lesson even though some people don't get it for quite some time or they feel as if they are given up. They aren't, it is just a different way.
Most of us with fibro had "something" for many years but didn't know what it was or was told it was all in our heads. Now my friend you have been validated, congrats.
I am in therapy for other problems and one of the things my therapist told me about fibro is that I could no longer do things the way I once did. Well, I didn't like that answer at all. But, she was right so I asked her how do I get past this. She told me that first I would need to mourn my old life and then and only then, could I accept my new life with fibro. You see, I was one of those Type A personalities, working 14-16 hours a day, go home workout for and hour to TaeBo and then ride my bike 12-14 miles a day. All this while raising 2 boys. In the throes of BP1, manic phase which I didn't even know I had.
Here is the thing, I don't want you to minimize your fibro for someone else's. Meaning, maybe someone else's is worse off then yours, however, you aren't dealing with someone else's, you are dealing with your's. So your's is what is important. No, that is not being selfish, it is being selfless. If you don't take care of yourself first, you won't be worth a sh*t to anyone else.
I want you to know that even though I haven't been on here in quite some time, I will flag this thread to notify me by instant email. This website is a safe place for all of us regardless where we are with our journey with fibro. So if you need to rant 5 pages long, then rant. If you need a shoulder, its here, you need to vent, vent. Whatever it is, we are here on this roller roaster ride with fibro.
The stress that you put on yourself can make your fibro worse. You do not need to feel worthless or anything else. If you haven't thought about therapy before maybe now may be the time to thing about it. Don't worry about what anyone else may think.
Find out what triggers your fibro, we all have those triggers, weather is a major one for many... rain is a 4-letter word in my house. Cold weather, the barometic changes, I can't think of all the different things because we are expecting that 4-letter word today in massive quantities.
You will decide what your body can handle during a good week, don't overbook because there is always that chance that something may trigger a flare up and you will need to cancel. Don't be afraid to cancel. You will learn who your friends really are. If they get upset that you cancel explain why and try to educate them on your condition.
You say you need something to hope for, let me ask you this. What were your hopes before you were diagnosed with fibro. What did you like to do for fun. I loved to work in the yard and I still do, it may hurt but it hurts in a good way.
Please tell me about yourself because this is the first thread I have read since back in December so I don't know all the details. What type of meds are you on, what type of doctor do you see? How old are you? Are you in school, how long have you been living with fibro...
I care very much about you.... Please let me know.. I don't get on the computer everyday but for this thread I will. Please take care of yourself. Jenn
The Following User Says Thank You to Jenn4508 For This Useful Post: caribear (04-15-2011)
I am so so sorry you are feeling so hopeless. I am unemployed, barely making ends meet and having a wicked flare right now. It is very difficult to stay focused on being positive and not letting the whole situation suck me down into a hole of depression. I will myself to look at the positive things in my life. I have kicked the narcotics, and am living in pretty bad pain daily. Tramadol does a bit, but not much. I just deal. Fibro likes to be a cheeky monkey with our bodies and our minds. Sometimes meditating, breathing deeply and totally relaxing every part of your body works. I know it works for me.
Please don't wish yourself dead, come here and talk to us. We are a group of people who are all in the same boat and we all truly care about one another. Family members don't understand. It took years for my family to see what I am dealing with. Pain is a tough thing to convey if you look okay on the outside. I have learned to not worry about what other people think and just focus on myself. It was a hard road to get where I am. I sought a lot of support here and made some wonderful lifelong friends. You will do the same. Focus on one day at a time, one hour at a time. Think of things that make you happy, or things in your life that are successes and positives. Negative energy feeds fibro and makes it worse..Please come here when you feel down. We really care. Sending healing energy and hugs..
peace and love
I don't think there's much I can say that these other wonderful ladies haven't already said. I just want you to know that I feel for you as well. It's easy to drown in the pain and sadness that fibro can create. Just don't give up. Find something that gives you joy and do it as often as you can. Don't feel bad about doing things for yourself. The thing I had to remind myself after my diagnosis was that even though it may seem like the end of the world to me, the sun will still rise every morning and life will go on, whether I choose to participate in it or not. You have to remember that you are a valuable person and that things will not always be as dark as they are right now. Like these ladies have said, come here and vent about your feelings whenever you feel the need. We all understand what you're going through to some degree, and we care. Keep us updated please. <3
It's times like these we have to be thankful we are alive. It could always be worst. There are to many people taken from this world way to early! Think about the babies & children that die each day & never had a chance. No matter how hard it is, you are lucky to be alive. You just have to make the best of it.
It's best to ignore the people that make life harder. As Blue would say, they are toxic.
I must say though, I would read what my child wrote about if I was worried about them. So, I think your dad is just trying to watch over you. However, it was wrong of him to share it with others. He should of talked to you & only you about it. Shame on him.
I do think you are depressed & it's making everything worst. I take meds for Anxiety & it does help! If you are taking something & it's not working, please talk to your Dr about switching onto another med. Everyone is different & things like that work differently for all of us.
There have been times when I though it would be best to just take me out of my misery. But I could never do that. No matter how tough it is, I wanna watch my kids grown up & be there for them. I want to meet my grandchildren one day. If you weren't around, think about all the things you would be missing... Finding the love of your life, having children, meeting goals in your life. Is there a car or truck you've always wanted? Just push through life & meet those goals.
Oh dear! You've had such a difficult time and I send out love and kisses to your wounded spirit! Please understand that depression is a very real part of FMS. Depression in FMS can stem from feeling defeated to meet some unrealistic goals and can be very hard when loved ones are not understanding your limitations. Concentrate energy on doing what you do best - it can help immensely.
Try exercising (which may seem impossible at the moment). But exercise can release the feel-good endorphins that you are lacking at the moment. Get outside and enjoy the sunshine, walk around the block, pet the neighborhood kitty, smell the flowers.
Shun doing what can be avoided, especially if you're not too good at it. During depression cycles, chemical abnormalities cause the symptoms of FMS.
I would suggest a support group. Call your local hospital and ask if there is a CFS or FMS support group in your area that they can recommend. If you cannot find a CFS/FMS support group, a chronic pain or arthiritis group might serve you well. Even your doctor may be a good source of info.
Please take care of yourself, you matter, and you are precious.
Though you may not feel like fighting for your life, there are people who would be sooo very hurt if you were not alive. DON'T do anything rash. DON'T harm yourself. Your family would suffer and grieve the loss of you. I speak from experience. There is nothing like losing someone you love so much and knowing that you can never hug them again, smell them again, hear them again. YOU MATTER! Trust me when I tell you that YOU DO MATTER!!!!
"Be Yourself Cuz Everyone Else Is Taken"
The following user gives a hug of support to fivepadrons: tooolgrl (04-16-2011)
I would like to tell you something that I have not talked about on these boards and never planned to talk about. I just turned 48 in January and I have thought about ending it for many years b/c I am BP1 also which had been diagnosed as something else for close to 25 years and was not correctly diagnosed until 2006. B/c of the misdiagnoses, the meds played alot of tricks and as of now I am med resistant but am fighting like hell to find something to help. Before July 4th of last year, I really didn't care at all but I feel as though I must share this with you.
My little brother, Stevie, was killed in a car accident on July 4th 2010. It was a one car accident, he was driving and no one else was in the car. No drugs in his system, no alcohol, just a freak accident. Either he lost control or swerved to miss a deer, I am going with the later b/c it happened at the lake. He hit a tree and died instantly.
After that, I have had to watch how much suffering there was for my mom, dad, sister and myself the most... It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. Me and my sister both have 2 sons. His nephews loved him so much and he was like their kids b/c he never had any kids. But the hardest part is watching my mom and dad spread his ashes. The circle of life is children know that in time they will have to bury their parents, but parents should never, ever have to bury their children.
You have no idea how much people love you, how much hurt, grief, sadness and so many more feelings you will leave behind.
From time to time I do still get down and think I would be better off not here, but then..... I remember how much I hurt for my mom, dad, sister and myself over my brother's accidental death and I know that I could never, ever put them through that again.
So please know that I speak from experience when I say you are not worthless and that there are people everywhere that would be devastated if you were to do anything. It would hurt me if you did after I have told you my story about my brother. So please know that I care and please seek out some counseling and give that a try... You may have to try a couple of different counselors before you find the one you like but remember, they work for you, not the other way around.
You are worth more than you know... Please read this post over and over until you get what I am saying. Hang in there... You can send me a private message if you would like to talk more. I need you to hang in there. I will try to help you anyway I can.
Because believe me, the death of a loved one does not get easier it gets harder and I don't care what anyone says....
I am sending my angels to watch over you and one of their names is Stevie and he is a very special angel. :ange l:
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Jenn4508 caribear (04-16-2011), fivepadrons (04-16-2011)
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Jenn4508 For This Useful Post: caribear (04-16-2011), ecstasy (04-20-2011)
Gen has given such good advise, i recently posted a simular post on here and i have to say i did not get as good as well meaning posts as you have and gen where were you, you are amazing and just know what to say.
when we are this down we dont want to here life is a blessing, or we should be taking less drugs or exercising yes they prob are all the things we should be doing, but when this low we are looking to relate to someone who has been there i think.
In 2008 i had a flare simular to the one one but worst only in that i was on lyrica and a a number of other drugs that brought me further down, i did reach out a few times on another site i was on at the time and got amazing support but i could not reach out to the people around me as i was so fed up of there happy advise all the time i just wanted them to listen to hug me to be there with me, i have 3 girls and at the time they were 6,7,and 9 i was bedridden and my husband left at 7 and came back at 9pm it was hell in the end the dr got social services in as the girls were bringing there selves up as i was bedridden and could not get down stairs i have no family my friends were all super busy like i used to be when well and was a carer and working 40 hrs a week with 3 kids keeping the house going still having a social life running round doing extra jobs for the old people i looked after in my job going running 5 miles a day on my days off!!!!!!!!! and i wonder why i got sick and my friends are the same oh they want to help they say they will do anything but when you ask they cant, i do have a few angels in my life now but i didnt then, i looked at my wild kids the carers doing my jobs my worn out husband and i thought what a burden i was so i started to plan my own sucide not good, i have journals i look back on now and see how low i was rock bottom. What helped me might not help you but i found faith, i opened my mouth and talked to people and gradualy i got the help i needed and slowly with home physio a person to talk to better drugs i slowly regained a better life i picked the kids up from school instead of a taxi getting them charitys paid for clubs for them to go to on holidays as i could not do that and took them too, i got a council fully adapted house in the village where the kids school was so they could walk to and fro and friends could have them back now and again i could walk with one stick i still needed a wheelchair or scooter when i went out but i got out, i could pop to friends as i got disbility a disabled badge and a adapted car so i could drive i had flares and went down i rested then when it went i started exercsising again.
i am again where i was in 2008 bedridden in agony and thinking this mountain is too hard to do again but this time i have talked to people vented on here,keep talking hun, what support network do you have around you? as i had none in 2008 i do now and that makes the difference, do you have family to help you? friends? what medical treatment are you getting?
i guess i just wanted you to know i have been where you are i have wanted to die had nothing to find a grain of hope in, but it can change reach out and keep reaching out, keep venting get it all out if not on here then in a journal i did i have 5 books full of negative s***t and it helped i also found faith but it doesnt have to be that for you it could be anything that gives you that hope back.
You can rant on all you want and i will listen as i have been there in that big black hole with nothing around you but i want to throw you a rope down and help you out hun, my heart is with you, i dont know if you believe in god but i will pray for you if that is ok? in the uk there is a fibromyalgia group there are forums like this but there are also phone lines and i phoned a few times at first i just cried down the phone like an idiot but then i talked they can also buddy you up with someone near you who you can get in touch with with fibro whiched helped me loads, if you the usa maybe they have a simular thing out there. hugs x
Last edited by moderator2; 04-19-2011 at 05:58 AM.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: 75angel ecstasy (04-20-2011), fivepadrons (04-19-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to 75angel For This Useful Post: ecstasy (04-20-2011)
I just had to add to this post again. As I have posted before, I am out of work, and have been since January, and the job market here is non existent. I have been flaring badly this past week due to some very stressful family stuff..I envision depression as a hole..I have been teetering on the edge of this hole for the past week, barely keeping myself from falling in. Knowing what a huge mistake it would be and coming back out of that "hole" is incredibly difficult. I have been managing, my oldest daughter and her husband have been helping me with rent, etc. Things here have quieted down. My mother lives in the apartment below me, I choose to keep her close, but in her own place as we could never live together without there being some pretty damaging stuff..Well she has been helping me financially, bless her, I can never repay all of what she has done for me. But she has been cursed with a pretty horrible acid tongue, and she is the most negative person I have ever known, thankfully I take after my dad (RIP) and have his passive, compassionate, loving nature. Well I was mentioning yesterday how I was in dire need of finding work, she told me that even though I didn't think I was old (I am 51) that I was and nobody hires old people anymore. I was crushed, just by the hurtful nature of the statement. I found it very hard to keep my words inside of me to her. I did however. I dumped it onto my oldest daughter, who basically gave me a little pep talk, which I know the statement was stupid, and not true, but it still destroyed my heart and my day nonetheless..It was all I needed for that push into that hole of depression, and now I am finding myself with dirt under my nails trying to climb back up out of the hole. My whole point here is that all it takes is one tiny minutia of negativity to set the wheels in motion determining where a fragile body and mind will go. I am not my usual happy, jovial positive self this day. I am pretty crappy. And feeling like I am really not worth being hired by anyone, even though I know that is garbage. I want you to know you are not alone, it isn't all positivity and light. There are dark places we all know oh so well. I cope by crawling into bed with my little dog and burying myself inside of myself. It is a coping skill, and it isn't working. I am taking it day by day. I know of no other way to go on. I do not wish harm to myself or wish I were dead, because I have much to live for..I am keeping my head out of the hole, fighting my way out of the negative hole, and knowing karma will deliver me..In time..one day, one hour, breathing and being..Please don't ever lose all hope, keep your head up out of the hole..I will always listen..peace
Thanks guys, this job searching stuff is making me crazy. If I could afford to move where there are more jobs I would, but the rent here is sucking my soul..lol..I am hanging in there. I love me too much not to..love and love and love to all..
Quick question...do they have temp srvcs there that cater to a more mature group? If so, that might be something to look into. That way you don't have to committ to working all the time and can just call in on the days that you feel decent enough to work.
"Be Yourself Cuz Everyone Else Is Taken"