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Old 05-12-2011, 10:20 AM   #1
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Marriage + FM= Disaster

I love my hubby even though he isn't the most supportive & understanding person. He is a great guy. We have 4 kids together, & a great home.
I've had probs since 99, way before I met him (this is my 2nd marriage).
The last couple years have been the worst. I had CFS since 99 but Fibro kicked in the end of 09 & just got worst until I was diagnosed last year.
I'm doing everything I can. We worked hard to build our farm but it became to much so narrowed it down allot. It's hatching season again so my hubby pushed me to start hatching again. I'm doing my best.
We started remodeling the house a month ago so we can refinance. I couldn't of done all the painting, cleaning, ect if it wasn't for my best friend being here every day to help (yes, a whole month!). She also has 4 kids but managed to help me with all the kids also. I took Tramadol pretty much daily which helped me get off the couch & move. But moved very slowely & at my pace so took way longer than it should of.
We had the appraisal Tuesday which was such a relief. the last 2 days I've refrained from taking pain meds, still managed to take care of the kids, farm, cleaning, ect. Not easy... I'm sooo sore, every part of my body is sore. Sooo exhausted. I just want to sleep.
Then my hubby calls from work earlier & makes a point that I need to start "doing stuff". He's obviously neglected... He complains about this allot.
He never says anything nice. He doesn't appreciate everything I do. I use every ounce of energy I have & it's still not good enough. Maybe if he helped me more? Then I have gained weight the last couple years & can't get it off (low thyroid). So, I said good bye & hung up on him. I'm so irritated. I'd rather be alone. Atleast then I don't have to worry about disappointing him. I listen to him gripe about how tired or sore he is, yet I rarely ever complain. Just keep stuff to myself. I will mention what's going on, but he doesn't listen.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so miserable. So tired of being tired & sore all the time. If you are are going to be married, shouldn't your spouse care what you are going through? He never does. Everything I do is never enough. The house is clean, kids get excellent grade because I help them, I try to bring in some extra $, dinner gets cooked. I guess maybe it's hard for me to give him the attention he needs when all I do is listen to him complain & never say anything nice, not even a thank you.
I needed to vent. Just so fed up.
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~♥Tori♥~
Fatigue & Derealization (PTSD?) 1999
Hypothyroid~ 2003
Back injury~ 2005
Severe Degenerative Disk, Arthritis, Mild Scoliosis.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 2009
Neuropathy
Migraines?

 
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:08 PM   #2
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Tori, I am sorry. WOW. My hubby is pretty good about the whole thing. I think that sometimes people close to us think that if they ignore it, it'll go away. So hard to understand. I really do not know how you keep up with all of that. I will say that I am impressed. You are doing a great job. I wish I knew what to tell you to do!! Have you thought about counseling?? Would he go for it?? Hugs and prayers, Diane

 
Old 05-12-2011, 04:29 PM   #3
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Oh sweetie! I can't believe you did all that! OMG!! You are something special and such an overcomer. One thing I have found after going through this gauntlet myself, is that men can sometimes have an image of marriage that is so far from the truth it hurts (rainbow land). You may have one of these guys. Is it possible for you to take this well-meaning guy to the doctor with you so that the doc can inform him what is going on in your body?

You be strong. You have more in you than you realize!

Kirstee

 
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:29 PM   #4
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Thank You
I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think he gets it but proves me wrong... I have taken him to an appt for him to understand. He did alittle, but not much. Before that I had him read a bunch of stuff in which he didn't "agree" with most of it, ugh
His friend has ms & fm so he figures mine isn't so bad...
We've talked about it but like I said, sometimes I think he gets it but doesn't...
He told me alittle bit ago that he's just frustrated...
Maybe someday he'll get it...
I think it's just that I need his support & understanding, not his negativity... I know he'll never actually understand...
__________________
~♥Tori♥~
Fatigue & Derealization (PTSD?) 1999
Hypothyroid~ 2003
Back injury~ 2005
Severe Degenerative Disk, Arthritis, Mild Scoliosis.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 2009
Neuropathy
Migraines?

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 07:17 AM   #5
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

hi tori,
from what you have said over the months you have been here i don't think you married a man with the abilities you seek. if they were there you would be awash with loving compassion, comfort and helping hands.
you are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with in order to feel loved. do the best you can and keep your eyes and heart open should that moment come when all the universe says set yourself free. then be strong enough to do it.
you know i ended 2 relationships due to lack of compassion and kindness. the last thing i need in my life is someone standing over me telling me i am not good enough. okay, i am not good enough for you, so go, find the one who is, i set you free, and in doing so i set myself free too. free to be the best me i can within the body i have.
you will find your way. whatever direction that may be. till then i wish you the peace of not believing all that you hear.
you really kicked arse on the house. bravo girl! bet you found muscles you forgot you had! i am really proud of you! umm, just a thought, if he wants babies he can do it himself? or pay someone to do it for him. like one of the kids?
peace and hugs,
blue

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:35 AM   #6
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Girl Ive kinda got to know you these pasts few months on here, but then i didn't see your posts for awhile and then when i saw your screen name ,either it got shortened or is my fibro fog , but i wasn't sure if it was you...im sure it was me..lol...

but was so upset reading your latest post! im so soooorrry! you work soo hard! and we are soo proud of you!
im not gonna get into saying what you should do because just like blue said ..you are the only one who can decide what you can live with...but like blue i had to end a 16yr marriage because his attitude helped in making me sick! remb i was on major meds while with him...

now im in a wonderful relationship,yes with our own stresses with step children an different ideas on raising children ....BUT..the difference is he believes in me and tries his best to understand my illness..i really think that in itself makes the world of difference in alot of how im feeling or at least how i COPE... is probably a better word for it.

remb where always here for you, we here ,are a Family!

hugs girl, Monalisa..oxoxo

 
Old 05-13-2011, 10:01 AM   #7
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Thank You Blue
I know it's been hard for me so understand it's hard on him. I've had problems for years & I told him about it when we were first getting serious years ago. He just has a hard time understanding why I can't push myself like I used to... I guess it's been easier for me to accept..
The house & property looks great! I really couldn't have done what I did if it weren't for my very best friend. It gave me the opportunity to show my kids what a true friend is. That it's not the quantity of friends but the quality of friends. I do anything I can to help her also, & that's how it should be. We don't have allot of $ but we gave her extra cash because they would of been overdrawn last month. She didn't want to take it, & it was a very small amount compared to everything she did. But it helped. Plus I was doing the cooking & it saved them from having to buy groceries & it also got her out of the house. They don't have television so her & the kids loved being able to watch tv. Especially since we have DVR so was able to record stuff for them.
But if it weren't for her, I may have done 1/5 what we accomplished. She gave me the push I needed also.
With the birds, hatching is easy. It's the setting them up in brooders, cleaning & selling that is exhausting. We've sold allot of birds the last 2 days, was at the shop around 7 times yesterday... I'm going to be paying my 11 yr old to clean the brooders. It'll give her the chance to earn $ & save me from having to do it. She's trying to save up for a I-Pad, will be saving for a long time! lol
Anyhow, gonna go relax for abit, I think... The baby is up but pretty content so far...
Sooo sore today, the headache, back & neck pain it the worst... Trying to not take anything again today... This is the 3rd day without pain meds.
How are you doing Blue? It was nice to have the window of wellness while it lasted... felt almost human lol
__________________
~♥Tori♥~
Fatigue & Derealization (PTSD?) 1999
Hypothyroid~ 2003
Back injury~ 2005
Severe Degenerative Disk, Arthritis, Mild Scoliosis.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 2009
Neuropathy
Migraines?

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:01 PM   #8
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

hi tori,
friends, best friends are priceless. so glad you have a best friend. they make any compost in your life a bit easier to cope with.
bravo on 3 days without pain meds. hope you get lucky and find you feel better off them than on, and can save their helpful affect for special occasions.
i am doing beautiful inside my mind. the sun is warm, the breeze soft and flowers scent the air. i am totally cool with being in a full on flare, good thing too! giggle, cause she came stomping in with combat boots on. been with me a couple of weeks i think. lost track. giggle. catching up on being one with a body in distress. practice makes perfect!! giggle. thanks for asking.
get some rest while the kids do. smart thinking.
peace and helping hands,
blue

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:15 PM   #9
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Quote:
Originally Posted by monalisa24 View Post
Girl Ive kinda got to know you these pasts few months on here, but then i didn't see your posts for awhile and then when i saw your screen name ,either it got shortened or is my fibro fog , but i wasn't sure if it was you...im sure it was me..lol...

but was so upset reading your latest post! im so soooorrry! you work soo hard! and we are soo proud of you!
im not gonna get into saying what you should do because just like blue said ..you are the only one who can decide what you can live with...but like blue i had to end a 16yr marriage because his attitude helped in making me sick! remb i was on major meds while with him...

now im in a wonderful relationship,yes with our own stresses with step children an different ideas on raising children ....BUT..the difference is he believes in me and tries his best to understand my illness..i really think that in itself makes the world of difference in alot of how im feeling or at least how i COPE... is probably a better word for it.

remb where always here for you, we here ,are a Family!

hugs girl, Monalisa..oxoxo
Thanks Monalisa
Yes, they shortened it or something... Threw me off also lol
I guess I have higher expectations from him sometimes... I have noticed that when he gets in his moods, I'm depressed, stressed, ect & just feel awful... It does make a difference... I know I can't make him understand anything & I don't expect to be babied. But I wish he would just leave me alone & not be a jerk. He doesn't get it & that's fine, but he needs to keep him mouth shut then lol You know, he tries to be playful like we used to do before all of this hit hard... He smacks me on the leg or butt, however it really hurts. Then if I snap at him, say ouch, he gets defensive because "that didn't hurt". But it does hurt to the point of fighting back tears. I've always had a high pain tolerance but I have limits... I guess it bothers him because I'm not the same as I used to be. But there is no changing that. ugh

Hugs Blue,
I don't know how you do it... Hopefully I can have your attitude one day. I love your outlook on everything ♥
I don't usually take pain meds often, usually when I just have no choice... I did ok at first when starting on the house... But didn't last long. Started on the Tramadol to keep going. But I think pacing myself helped allot because usually I flare up no matter what & get terribly sick. But did pretty good Now that I'm done on the house for alittle bit, I want to keep away from the pain meds unless I just can't move...

Appraisal went well! More that what we needed it to appraise for! yippee!!!
__________________
~♥Tori♥~
Fatigue & Derealization (PTSD?) 1999
Hypothyroid~ 2003
Back injury~ 2005
Severe Degenerative Disk, Arthritis, Mild Scoliosis.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 2009
Neuropathy
Migraines?

 
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:49 PM   #10
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, Tori. I'm sending prayers and love your way. But on the bright side, I'm proud of you for doing all that work and so happy that your appraisal went well!

<3
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:27 AM   #11
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Re: Marriage + FM= Disaster

Oh beautiful Miss Tori..you are a superstar gal, and don't ever forget that. I remember being your age. Kids, raising ducks and geese. Husband who wanted "stuff" every night. Being exhausted, feeling dragged down. Feeling unattractive. I know the whole saga sweetheart..Now, Blue and all the other gals here are right on the money..you need to find YOU, before you can give to anyone. Being a mom obviously the kids come first..In my life, I am single, and I am happy being single, my kids are grown. So in my life now, my pets come first. Then me. See, that is a mom and a woman thing. It shows what kind of stuff you are made of. And believe me honey you are made of some strong, amazingly beautiful stuff. Look in the mirror, there is a beautiful woman there. Someone who has brought beautiful babies onto the planet. Someone who loves unconditionally and selflessly. Tell hubby to get a life, a grip or go to hades. Whatever it takes to get YOU back. If he doesn't back down and help out get him alone where you have his undivided attention and tell him how it is, and how it is going to be. Don't apologize for feeling like crap. It is not your fault all these things decided to invade your body. You are managing fabulously and don't let anyone tell you different. Once you gain that confidence everything is going to find its place. If that means you were meant to be without him, then thats what it is. He needs to grow up, men are such little boys. And if they don't get enough attention they throw a hissy until they get their way. You need to remember he is made of different stuff than you are. And men are blessed with too much testosterone and tunnel vision. He doesn't get it, he probably will never get it. You need to decide if what he has to give you is enough for you to have a good life. I agree counseling would be great if he would agree to go. I feel you keep hitting this wall at 80 mph with him. Don't run yourself ragged trying to do everything girlfriend, because it sounds like it is never going to be enough with him. Time to do for Tori. Kids first, that is a given, then think about you. Let him wallow in his stuff, he knows what you do, he just needs to learn to see and appreciate and it may not be in his makeup. Tell him that he was born with two hands for a reason when he gets on you for intimacy that you cannot muster up to give. It is hard to feel sexy and loving when you are beaten down by the man you married. When you gain the confidence that you need to in order to stand up and be firm with him you will have gained everything..I think you are amazing. And I think I can speak for a lot of the people on this forum. Learn to accept your body for what it is right now. Take one thing at a time, do it and move on to the next thing. Have the kids take on jobs that they can do at their age levels. Kids can do way more than we give them credit for. Rest, rest and more rest. Take care of Tori, if Tori breaks down the whole house of cards will collapse. You are the glue that binds your family. I am sending to you hugs and warm breezes and lots of positive energy and karma. You will find your way, let things happen as they may..Do not let negative stuff get in your way. You were right to hang up on him, don't deal with the negativity. If he chooses not to help you then let it go. I hope everything works out. Marriage is a tough thing to keep together these days. And if you are putting in 70 percent to his 30 its not going to fly..love you tons sista..xoxoxo
peace and love
Sandra

 
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