I'm frustrated. My husband acts like I choose to feel like crap all the time. He doesn't know half of it because I can't talk to him about stuff & most of the time, I don't tell him that I hurt. I mention it sometimes or say I don't feel well, but how do you describe something like this? He said last night that maybe I should just take the pain pills everyday.
I have 4 kids to take care of, one with health issues another in vision therapy. Another with issues of abandonment because of her real mom. Then an 18 month old going through the terrible 2's. Then I'm doing everything I can to keep our farm running, animals & a house to take are of. Everyone here are slobs. I can't be a neat freak anymore but I feel better if I can relax without messes & clutter. Then my husband likes to make comments like "maybe Tori'll get a job". Sure, why not, it would be a break! However, I'd still have to do everything I'm already doing on top of it! I always hurt, I'm learning to live with it. I'm always tired & usually flat out exhausted. But, I've had that for 12 yrs so I've learned to live with it & keep doing what I have to do. But I am so tired of being sore or flat out in pain all the time. Then I'm supposed to pretend I'm happy & not act like a grump. You know, if I could rest I wouldn't be such a grump. I'm sure he would be if he was in my shoes! I told him yesterday that I'd love to trade him lifes for just a day, he couldn't handle being me. Hell, when he's sick & hurt he's in bed & doesn't move. When I'm sick I cook dinner, clean, ect. I take care of a baby 24/7 & 3 others most the time. He seems to think I have it so easy... Atleast he can rest when he wants. He rarely helps with the kids or house.
Oh, & to top it all off... He is nosy & I'm sure he is reading this since that's his new things lately! Must be worried I'm talking about him.
Ok Tori, time for some tough love..lol..just kidding..But seriously, how long has this been an issue for you?? Been some time now. Long enough for me to develop a special fondness for you and your strength..You are me when I was that age. I tried to do it all. I lived on advil at the time as I did not know about tramadol. Your husband is not getting the message. The frustrations for you are only going to increase your pain. And my dear sweet friend, you HAVE a job, you have many jobs. He doesn't see that. He should have to wear your many hats for one day, then maybe he would see what it is like to be you. And you are the best mom I know of. A lot of mothers would say oh eff it and just lay down and cry..You are a fighter, and have amazing strength and fortitude.
I only wish your husband would see that, he truly has a mental block when it comes to you Tori, I have no doubts that he loves you immensely, but I believe he cannot admit to himself that you are not superwoman..I think it frightens him...but you need to be able to take care of you. Honestly, you cannot take care of everyone and everything if you are broken. And you are heading to brokenville. Why won't you take pain meds regularly? Do they interfere with your abilities?? I take much stronger pain meds and I am still able to function fine, in fact I can not function or work full time without them.
And tramadol is a pretty weak pain med. If it works for you then I would take it, being in pain all the time is exhausting to the body. How are you doing on your other meds?? I think that you need to first look at yourself, what are your needs to be able to take care of your family and farm and go from there. Prioritize. Get those older kids to really help you. Rest when the baby rests, having a toddler is no easy feat. Close your mind to the mess, you can clean it up but its just going to be there again. You cannot take care of your family if you are not taking care of Tori first. A broken mamma will not do. You are the glue that holds it all together. Don't let yourself fall apart. Close your mind to your husbands sniveling. You have a full time job and then some. Write him up an invoice for all the services you do in a day. I am serious, I have done that and its amazing when you see what you are worth. You are priceless. Your family is nothing without you....you are beautiful and strong, a warrior in this world..Look in the mirror, see the beautiful woman there?? She has strength to move worlds..trust me..take a deep breath, learn to sit and breathe and go to your inner self. You can do this, fibro is not going to beat you. If you need stronger meds to get you through then so be it. Doesn't make you a coward. If only your husband could feel like you do for 1 hour, he would be singing a different song, but stop wasting your precious energy trying to get him to understand. He hasn't got it so far he probably never will. You have to let that go. Fighting a stubborn man is like fighting the tide. Your energy can be used to better purposes. When he gets on your case smile, go to your inner well of strength and draw on it. I used to say "serenity now", right out loud, I got that from Seinfeld, but it worked every time. Learn to smile and chuckle when he gets on you, getting mad is a negativity you don't need. Save that energy for something more worthwhile. Have a glass of wine at night, hell Tori have two or ten..lol...kidding. Honey you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. Believe that. Believe IN that. Let hubby keep his negativity, tell him if he hasn't got something positive to say to cram the words somewhere else..lolol...see why I am single????? I love you sweetie, you have my utmost respect and regard. You are a beautiful asset to the universe, believe in that and things will go your way...I need more coffee, I have blabbed long enough..please keep me posted, I DO care..xoxoxoxoxo
peace and much love
I do need to find a way to ignore him when he makes comments. I know he's just in denial. I point out to him that he rarely says anything nice. I get frustrated because he does expect me to do it all. Lately if he asks me to do something that he can do himself, I tell him, you can do it. He mentioned again last night that I'm always in a bad mood & never smile. I asked him "what do I ever do for myself?". I pointed out that everything I do is for everyone else. The only thing I do for myself is go on the computer. For me it is relaxing. Yet my husband says it irritates him when he sees me on the computer. I should be able to relax & do something I want. I told him that I never get a day off. I have the baby 24/7. I told him that I'm taking care of every thing & everyone here. I asked him what there is I should be happy about?
His family (5 people) are staying with us next week. They'll be here for 6 days. So, I'm going to have even more people to clean up after. Then they are all gonna want to go find things to do. There will not be much rest.
His idea of me getting rest is laying down for an hour. He doesn't realize everything I do. He says I need to do everything earlier in the day. Um, hello, I always have stuff to do. I am so sore today, my whole body hurts & I have a headache. I had to chase sheep 2x yesterday. Long story.
I try not to take the tramadol unless I have to because I don't want to get used to it & so it doesn't work anymore. My Dr won't prescribe anything else. I take it on days that are really busy or when I just can't get off the couch otherwise. But all it does is take the edge off so it's tolerable.
I don't know what to do. There seems to always be paper work to do, cleaning, hauling kids around, ect. My ex, the creep... Made it so that I have to do all the transporting, court order. So, I have to drive the kids 30 miles every Wednesday then wait for 2 hours while he has dinner with them, then drive home. Then I have to drive them there every other Friday then pick them up Sunday. I want to go to court & fight it again, but just haven't had the energy or the mental energy. He also claims both kids on taxes even though we have the medical on the kids, we pay everything including activities, dr visits, medicine, ect. Ridiculous. But spending 3 yrs in court & $19,000 in attorney fees so that he didn't get the kids has me afraid of going to court. It always seemed to work in his favor, except I got the kids. He has control issues. Anyhow, I guess I'm just going through one my frustration times. It'll pass... I'm just still learning how to live with this. It wouldn't be so bad if I had support from my husband. I honestly think he just figures I'm exaggerating. Which I don't understand because I've never lied to him, I've always done everything that I am able to do. I hate asking for help, but sometimes I have to. I have always had a high pain tolerance & I've never whined & complained. Even when I was in Labor for 28 hours with the last child he didn't know how bad it was. I was having painful contractions a min apart the whole time. I had a UTI which sent me into labor. Went to the hospital & said I was fine. Went to another one & they said I had one of the worst uti's they'd ever seen.
After giving birth I had a hard time re-cooping. I was so exhausted & felt awful. His sister came over the day after we got home to "help me out". However, I ended up babysitting her son also much of the time while she would go to the shop to help my husband out. Then he didn't understand why I was irritated.
I feel like the only way he'd understand is if I whine & complain, but that's not me.
Thank you for the kind words & advice. This has been going on a long time. I don't expect him to understand. I just can't stand when he makes comments over something he knows nothing about.
Enough rambling for now... Have a good weekend! ♥
I could not have said it better. You are an amazing and beautiful woman. You are the true heart of the word family. You inspire me with your strength. Now tell hubby to give it a rest already. He's a man and just doesn't get it. Old news. You're learning how to deal with it. And you will. I hope you can get a little Tori time when your company comes. Keep the chin up sweetie. Love ya tons xo
Peace and love
Amen to everything that's been said here. You are a beautiful woman and a great blessing to your family. Please, please, please take care of yourself before everyone else. It's the only way that you can do your self and others justice. I pray your hubby will see you are doing your best under the circumstances and begin to appreciate you more.
When the family gets there next week, be sure to use them to help with food and clean up and such. As good house guests they should. Maybe ask for babysitting for a little bit of time, so you can nap or take a bubble bath or whatever will relax you.
And I also echo that you should take your pain meds every day. I tried not for the longest time but now, I take them so I can work full time, take care of my family and me. And also be able to have a little fun all the while doing it!
Thank You ♥
His sister decided not to come so it's just his parents & brother. I've had a good visit with his parents. His brother will be here tomorrow I believe.
I over did it yesterday Didn't take much. So, have my warning headache today. Trying to eat something so I can take the Tramadol. Wish I had something stronger... My appetite is always so poor, you'd think I'd weigh 90 pounds lol It's hard to find stuff that sounds good. Anyone else have this problem? Luckily we did some shopping & I have my snack food (eating mixed nuts yumm).
I've been trying to get into the neurologist for 3 months. Turns out they lost the paperwork. Then they told my Dr's office that I have an appt scheduled... It was the appt with my Rhumetologist next week... Anyhow, my Dr will need to order the MRI & the neurologist will look at it. If it comes out fine I don't need an appt. If he finds something then he'll need to see me. So, works for me. Much easier then going in for nothing.
I'm supposed to be tested for ms since I haven't had that test done & I have allot of the congenative symptoms & some of the other symptoms.Be nice to just get the test over with.
I've been having allot of problems with my fingers in my left hand lately, they take turns feeling like they are fractured, very annoying.