I try so hard not to do this.....but I am overwhelmed with sad feelings, and tonight they have just started pouring out.....I hope someone understands and will not judge me for being silly.
Every year, the week before Memorial Day, my parents always went back to our hometown (where they, my sister, and myself were all born and lived until I was 16 and sister was 11) to visit with friends & family, and to put flowers on the graves of family members who have passed. It was a tradition for Momma and Daddy. (those of you not from small towns may not have even heard of doing this, and to some of you it may seem morbid and sad. BUT, I grew up doing this with my parents and family members - many of whom are now having flowers put on their graves. AND, as for the visiting - that is priceless!)
Now, Daddy is no longer with us, and tomorrow my Mom and sister are driving 8 hours back home. They will do the visits, and who ever knows if this will be the last time - especially with my Aunt (Mom's sister) who is in her 90's - and, who am I kidding, Mom, herself, who is in her 80's. Or, I guess any of us. And,
they will put flowers on 4 sets of grandparents, Aunt, Uncle, and my Daddy's.
They will see cousins and Mom's and Dad's old friends - many of which they are having lunches and dinners with. They will be driving home on Sat.
This will be such a bittersweet time for my Mom - she has missed Daddy so, and I truly thank God that my sister is able to make sure Mom is getting to do this, that is so important to her. I just wish so much that I was going to be there for Momma, my younger sister, and myself, also.
I feel like such a lump of I don't know what.... Crying here because I will not be with them. I am almost in my 60's and have been diagnosed for well over 10 years, so the crying about this da** Fibromyalgia should be over. But, I really would just like to be normal when it comes to a few important times. This is one of them. The idea of not being there with my Mom; not being at Daddy's grave; not being with them while tears are shed, stories are shared, and hugs are exchanged is almost too much to bear tonight.
I'm tired. I'm weary. I hurt both inside and out. AND, most importantly, I miss my Daddy.
oh baby girl,
you have my heart. i do understand how you feel. i miss my daddy sometimes too. it's been 36 years since he died. you go ahead and cry your little eyes out. there are no rules when it comes to how we cope or feel when a loved one has died.
i know you want to be there. so be there in your mind. imagine yourself there and say the words you would say to those gone ahead. they hear you no matter where you are. i talk to my dad all the time. and my grandpa.
please try not to be angry with your body over this. she can't help it and she needs your tender loving care just like your heart does right now.
my sis helps out my mom also. bless her for being so strong and healthy. giggle. we as a family would be lost without her kind, generous heart.
i will think of you this weekend and send peaceful energy for accepting life as it is. like we have a choice?
peace and many hugs,
Thank you so much for the hugs of support, and, blue, I can never thank you enough for your kind words...... You are right. Most of all I AM mad at myself - my body, my mind, my everything. I have always been one to blame myself for things - but had never quite thought of it this way. Something new to ponder..... Again, I thank you!
I get where you're coming from and how you feel. I like 45 min from my son who passed away 13 yrs ago , at 2 months, and I can't even make that drive. Losing family is never easy and I know how you may feel. I agree with blue. Thats what I try to do. And know that they know how much you love them and would be there if you could. HUGS!!
The following user gives a hug of support to mom477: FibroButBlessed (05-24-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to mom477 For This Useful Post: FibroButBlessed (05-24-2012)
My heart goes out to you and I am geting very emotional for you. Just because you are not making the physical journey it does not mean you are not there. You will be with them in your mind every part of this annual pilgrimage. When you say you want to be normal, I can hear myself over the years saying and shouting the same thing. Might I suggest that you do something yourself to honour all the family who have passed. It could be a short walk orto plant a small shrub or tree. Something for you that will become your way of getting through this week every year. Start a new tradition.
A very wise friend told me, when I was going through a very hard time with fibro, that before I can have any hope of getting a life back that I must first allow myself to be ill. Accept my fibro and create my life around it. Try it and see if it helps. For me it helps. Not all the time. If only .
The following user gives a hug of support to brend: FibroButBlessed (05-30-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to brend For This Useful Post: FibroButBlessed (05-30-2012)
When you first posted this I gave you a hug and moved on, mainly because I was in a rush to get out of dodge and was busy packing to go and did not want to start crying myself. Sometimes pity parties are good for us. Long as we don't let them get hold and take over.
I miss my Mom and cry often when thinking about her. Guess it's normal in grief for people we love so deeply. Your post came at a time I was also having my pity party too,
as I was missing my mom on my birthday so very much. I cried for a little over 2 years for my heart dog, so I guess it'll be a little longer for Mom. At least with pets it's easier to move on and not replace, but start a new love and life with another pup. Can't replace Mom or Dad can we.
So go ahead and cry, just don't let it consume you for to long.
The following user gives a hug of support to WoodsWalker: FibroButBlessed (05-30-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to WoodsWalker For This Useful Post: FibroButBlessed (05-30-2012)
Thank you for your heartfelt responses. I could truly feel your caring through the computer. The night I wrote that, I was so very down - just getting to pour it out on this site helped - then each person who replied, helped lift me up.
Memorial Day weekend could never happen without being reminded constantly of my Daddy. He was such a proud veteran of both World War II and Korea, and he passed on his patriotism to both my sister and myself, to our children, and to my grandchildren.
And, for years, we all attended the Indianapolis 500 together - so much fun!! After we stopped attending, we still watched it together. So, it was a family event.
I do have hydrangea bushes planted in Daddy's memory that I can see out my window - Brend, great minds think alike! I have been thinking about how very Blessed I am to have had him so long - I only hope I will live long enough to know my great-grandchildren. I ended up smiling a lot more than crying this weekend just remembering so many good times.
Now, I'm not saying I won't get down again, but it sure is wonderful to know that you all are there. Thanks so much!!