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Old 06-22-2012, 08:21 AM   #1
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I feel I am a burden.

Hi.
I have been going through a few bad weeks with fibro. This has also left me struggling with depression. I have had five surgical procedures in the past eighteen months. Each time it has taken longer to recover from the anesthetic. I had a minor stroke over a year ago. I am lucky to have a wife who is fully suppportive of me and would do anything for me.
This is where I am feeling like I have become a real burden. My wife helps me as much as she can. Her eighty-nine year old mother had a stroke two weeks ago and is in hospital. Top this off with her trying to keep a job going as well. Yesterday, I had a phone call from the hospital booking me in for a CT scan on monday next. Carol asked her boss for a half days leave to take me to the hospital. He accused her of being selfish for not giving him more warning and refused to allow her the time off. He was shouting and abusive to her. To cut to the end, Carol told him she she was taking the time off and gave notice to quit her job. She has taken a total of five days leave in the past year.
I feel so responsible for this. She is trying to help me and her mother and this crap comes at her too. I know I am not responsible for what has happened. I still cannot help feeling that I am useless and a burden. I'm very low at the moment. I am not sure why I am even putting up this post, maybe it is just to share it with people who might understand.

ps. I know this is depression, but knowing does not change how I am feeling.

Last edited by brend; 06-22-2012 at 08:23 AM. Reason: to add post script

 
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Old 06-22-2012, 08:27 AM   #2
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Re: I feel I am a burden.

Hi brend, I do understand how you feel, we all feel we have certain roles and responsibilities within our family and when we can't fulfil them it's hard. What we have to remember is that we are loved and our family members still want us around even if we cannot function the way we want to.

I think Carol would have a case for constructive dismissal, it might be worth checking this out.

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Old 06-22-2012, 09:48 AM   #3
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Re: I feel I am a burden.

Hi brend, I know you are feeling low and responsible for Carol quitting her job. I think though that more was going on with the job, than with you. I am somewhat in Carols position, my husband is disabled now and I have a brother that needs looking after. I am fortunate to be retired now, but if it came down to my family or my job......well......the job and a ridiculous boss would be the loser every time. Obviously her boss flying off the handle like that for something that didn't warrant that kind of response......there must be more to it. Life is too short to tolerate people like her boss. You give Carol your love and support, so let her do the same for you. Hang in there, there are always better times ahead.

Glojer

 
Old 06-22-2012, 11:02 AM   #4
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Re: I feel I am a burden.

Hello Brend, I am so sorry that with what you both are already going through, this person has been so lacking in understanding. It is too bad that he has lost his empathy for the difficulties that people face when they have an illness in the family. I'm so very sorry, and of course I feel certain you know this isn't your fault. There is probably a little guilt in all of us, although logically we all know we can't help our situations. We don't want to be in our situations and would love for will power to conquer it all. We just take our deep breaths, and do our best. I know you are doing your best. I hope you can find a little serenity in knowing that, and maybe even repeat it to your self in order to nurture your psyche "I am doing my best". I think all of these surgeries may be wearing you down. So I will hope that the physical recovery speeds up to help you psychologically. That has not been an easy time.

 
Old 06-22-2012, 02:59 PM   #5
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Re: I feel I am a burden.

Hey there,
I agree, it's the boss, not you. If it hadn't happened now it likely would have happend later. I had a boss like that years ago. Not only did he yell at me for things he screwed up on, but he was just a jerk & to top it off, I sent with a lot of sexual harrasement twords the end. With that being said, I'm so glad she won't have to deal with him anymore... Because of him yelling at her & stuff I beleive she has a chance to get unemployment.
Unfortunetly you are depressed & you need a doctor helping you with that. I go through phased of being depressed, but it lifts within a few days. I often feel like nothing I do is good enough & I'm a huge disapointment with my husband. But he does say things that bring me to those conclusions. These days I don't think he loves me anymore & probably feels stuck with me. But how can you change that? All we can do is do our best. We didn't ask for any of this & atleast we do our best!
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Old 06-22-2012, 03:13 PM   #6
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Re: I feel I am a burden.

I work in HR and you're wife absolutely has a case for constructive dismissal..I know she might not have the strength or inclination to deal with this right now but as soon as she has I'd encourage her to go and seek some independent advice

And yes you're right the series of events that has just happened isn't your fault - though as logical as some of us we still can't help but feel a tad guilty....however if the shoe was on the other foot????? For better or for worse/in sickness and in health........that's the beauty and wonder of marriage
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Old 06-22-2012, 05:43 PM   #7
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Re: I feel I am a burden.

Thanks to all of you for your support. Carol's job is the final straw for me, but the feeling of being a burden has been building for weeks now. It's hard to explain how I could allow myself to get like this, but I cannot help it. Her job thing is not the end of the world and we will survive without the money. She is better off away from an idiot like her boss. He must be under a lot of stress himself as his reaction to this small request was way out of proportion. Oh listen to me. I am now making excuses for him.
I started on amitriptyline tonight and hope it helps.
Going to bed
brend

 
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