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Old 09-27-2012, 04:51 AM   #1
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Going over the edge...

Sitting here at 7:40am and supposed to be getting ready for work, but can't bring myself to get off the couch. The anxiety is killing me....trying desperately to keep the crying from bursting out and remember that I am still lucky to even have a job that I should be going to.

After having dealt with a doctor who kept telling me it was all in my head and I was just 'depressed' I finally found a new doctor who is listening. She tested everything all over again and found out that old test showed I had an elevated Rheumatoid Factor on my last test with my old doctor as well as on the current one. I am finally being sent on to a Rheumatologist and being told that she definitely believes me.

My employer has been extremely good to me over the last two years while trying to figure out what is going on. They have let me go down to a 3 day work week and basically come in when I can on those 3 days. I was off this Tuesday as a "regular' day and was in a lot of pain. Off yesterday because I was exhausted...slept all night, woke up at 6am and back in bed at 8:30am to sleep until 1pm. Back in bed before 2pm and slept until after 5pm. And back to bed at 9pm. Grrrr. Today I feel like I am going to have a heart attack just from the anxiety of the guilt for being off for 2 days and having to go in today. I am sooo loosing it here.

Anyone else get that panic feeling like they are just going to fall apart for no reason at all? Hubby is trying so hard to keep me together and I am doing my best while my daughter is sitting here in front of me, but know I am over the edge when she is gone. Am I the only one that goes to this extreme??

Sorry,....had to rant somewhere.
Ang

 
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:59 AM   #2
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Re: Going over the edge....

Don't be sorry for ranting. Many of us have been where you are now and vividly remember the frustrations and how easy it really is to be at that edge while looking for answers.

Sounds like you have found a good doc and you might finally get a diagnosis. That alone lets a thousand ponds of pressure off your shoulders. Hang in there.

 
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:05 AM   #3
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Re: Going over the edge....

I know how you feel & I'm not even working... You really are doing awesome even though it doesn't feel like it!
I used to raise farm & game birds. Then the last few yrs I've slowely gotten rid of my birds. My husband had to take over. But last summer I fed the animals & hatched babies. But by the end of summer I would be out in the feild in tears sooo frustraited. It just too much. This year I hatched out some but really workin on getting rid of many breeders so less work. It's taken this long for me to tell my husband that I'm really done with it all. He's afraid I'm giving up. I just need to focus on myself, exercising & taking care of our 4 kids. I feel like i can't keep on top of anything.
But, I agreed to our garden this year so been allot of work freezing & canning... I've had some go bad before I could get to them. But I can only do my best. Then I also agreed on raising steers, Cornish chickens & pigs for food... The steers are bottle calves. So I spend all morning dreading having to go feed them & the rest of the animals. Mornings are the worst with pain & exhaustion. So have to wait for all my meds to work for alittle bit of releif.
So, I spend all morning dreading it... The anxiety is horable because you feel awful. Trying to find that little bit of ambition to find the strength to get moving. All my energy (if that's what you call it), goes into feeding the animals. But soon it'll all be up to my husband again because it is too much for me.
So, here are some ideas... Are you able to take a few weeks off? If so maybe that'll help. You can focus on getting important stuff done around the house & rest... Rest is the most important. Maybe this break will give you the rest you need to get back into working again.
It's great they cut the hours back but maybe you will need to start going in twice a week instead.
That's wonderful you will be diagnosed soon! You will get answers!
I'm not sure I your med free but if you are, going on meds do help
Try not to give up the job. You may be able to handle it well after you are on a treatment plan!
Just know that you are not alone & to be proud of yourself for all that you are doing & not what you need to do. Unfortunetly having fibro you have to learn to live with it & work around it...
__________________
~♥Tori♥~
Fatigue & Derealization (PTSD?) 1999
Hypothyroid~ 2003
Back injury~ 2005
Severe Degenerative Disk, Arthritis, Mild Scoliosis.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 2009
Neuropathy
Migraines?

 
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:24 AM   #4
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Re: Going over the edge...

Just had a panic attack yesterday actually. I tried something new. Usually, I push myself, because I was born with an enormous sense of guilt and resposibility (i.e. 8 kids and full-time job)..LOL. But yesterday, I made myself calm down. I sat at work and did nothing for the last half hour, I just breathed and said "I will not let this overcome me, I am too good of a person to feel this way, and it is not real, whatever is out of my control is OUT OF MY CONTROL!" Easier said than done! I still wanted to scream but I just kept repeating it over and over. I just came out of a really bad flare fever of 101 to 102 for 68 days, and pain..well..we won't go there. So, I did not want to ALLOW myself to panic myself into another flare. I went home told my kids to make dinner and told my hubby to leave me alone! It was the first time I did for ME instead of for everyone else. Guess what? It worked. I sat in my room and read, let the tv watch me and I calmed enough to have a peaceful nights sleep. I am proud of that...
When I am flaring I want to quit my job, I actually think about it, and email the big wigs that I am going to do it. I always get talked out of it. I have a very supportive government school nursing job so, the community I work in is all too aware of the pain I am in.
In this economy, it is easy to say "we are lucky to have a job." With fibro...not so easy. But people without jobs want them and those of us with them dont. The grass is always greener on the other side....KNOW WHY??? Pardon my french, but it is because there is $hi# over there...that IS what makes grass grow right?
I hope this post makes you smile, and I hope you know you are not alone sister!

Last edited by Administrator; 09-28-2012 at 10:29 AM.

 
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:44 AM   #5
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Re: Going over the edge...

jessy- You are great! Love the post!
__________________
~♥Tori♥~
Fatigue & Derealization (PTSD?) 1999
Hypothyroid~ 2003
Back injury~ 2005
Severe Degenerative Disk, Arthritis, Mild Scoliosis.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed 2009
Neuropathy
Migraines?

Last edited by Administrator; 09-28-2012 at 10:29 AM.

 
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:11 AM   #6
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Re: Going over the edge...

I had one of these last night. I do understand exactly what you mean. Sometimes it is just like it overwhelms me and I just start crying. My poor hubby sits besides me and tries to read things online that may help, which just makes me cry more!! I am very new to being diagnosed with FM but I have had the pain for a few years and it does seem to be a bit of a roller-coaster ride.

 
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