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Old 10-24-2012, 09:03 AM   #1
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slammed

hi all,
guess it's the flare of the decade for me. had to make a trip north to help son who is developmentally delayed, add, adhd, ptsd and bi-polar thru psyc eval for ssdi. it was a heartbreaker for him. he is 34 and as he ages the gap grows between him and those around him. i was there 4 days. drove home and woke the next day to hades personified. a flare. a biggie. then sjogrens got jealous and joined in. skin dried and cracked open with in 12 hours of getting home. going to wound care for them. that was about a month ago. i am still in the flare and it's loving my body. i think the only thing not hurting is my pinky toes.
mentally doing great. i had decided to give up painting. can't hold a brush or dremel anymore. well, i had one of those can't sit still fibro days and went to my paints for relief. was going to pack it up. then i was hit by an idea. go totally abstract and just throw the paint on the surface. i use recycled wood instead of canvas. i love it! it's easy, fun, don't have a plan just let out the emotions thru paint throwing. it's working. all the helpless frustrations of being my sons mom are now on wood and out of me.
i am trying to give my son his dream. to live on his own. so far i see it not working so well. when he got to my hotel room it had been weeks since he bathed. when he left i went to use the toilet and it was covered in old fecal matter and human filth. broke my heart. explained to him he must shower before coming the next day as mom is sensitive to smells. this is a helpless i cannot fix, just live it.
i have taken over paying his rent and utilities. he was blowing the money and not paying it. dug him out of that hole. looks like i will be his payee when he gets ssdi so there comes added stress. he totally hates me for having him, for helping him, for butting into his life. ask me if i care? yes and no. i am glad i am tough and a woman. a mothers love is unconditional i told him. liking you is a different subject. when you lie to me or grandma, my mom!, i do not like you either.
i have no idea when this flare will end. have to travel next thursday to take one of my daughters to the endo. she has graves disease and had her thyroid removed. can't find the balance yet on meds. then eye surgery for her.
i get to go to the urogyno in dec and jan for tests. having surgery to cut the implant under my urethra in hopes it ends the endless pain in my fanny. that's a 3 hour drive and a hotel. can't sit after they invade my celibate body. the exam was horrid. actually felt like i was being raped, said it too. stirred up some ptsd but that passed.
life can be overwhelming at times. this be one for sure. giggle.
thanks for listening. was not going to post but y'all have a right to see my weak side too. and i have the freedom to show it. i like that. not being afraid to feel weak and helpless sometimes. knowing it's okay, it will pass.
shutting up now.
peace all,
bluelakelady
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catkaru (10-24-2012), lehcar (10-27-2012), Pammyann (10-25-2012), tanasmom (10-24-2012), thefarm (10-28-2012), thesweetlife (10-24-2012)
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Old 10-24-2012, 12:04 PM   #2
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Re: slammed

WOW....talking about doing things in style It's tough being a mum - tough love isn't easy but oh so necessary - sounds like you have your son in hand but not an easy journey. Really feel for you - as stress and driving distances alongside of everyday life means as always a fibro flare
Sounds like you are having a ball with the painting - can you do the sort of painting where you then just lie and roll around in it - reckon that would be hilarious (the washing probably wouldn't be afterwards though
I hope you're getting she you time for your massages and meditation - as you know you need to look after yourself before you look after others as otherwise you'll have nothing to give.
Sorry it's so crap - and I know you said you had rain there too as well on a previous post - things can only get better.....and they will
Thinking of you and hugs over the ocean xxx
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Old 10-24-2012, 04:36 PM   #3
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Re: slammed

Well, I feel like I have no room to complain, you have so much on your plate, no wonder you are flaring! Holy cow.

You have such a bright outlook, as always. I hope you can find some peace and some ways to relax the mind and body.

Thinking of you.

 
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Old 10-24-2012, 05:41 PM   #4
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Re: slammed

thanks girls,
thought about a huge canvas and doing just that. dancing and rolling and stomping all that unhealthy junk into something oddly disturbing but pretty colors. giggle.
having a bed day. came on to see if my pain cream orders were shipped yet. i cut it a bit close this month. actually forgot.
breathing deeply often and it does help me calm down. right now he is in the dog house again. the deal was i bail you out, you get your county check and put time on your phone and call me no later than the 16th. all quiet here. no ringing phone. i'm not worried, ticked off is more like it. will call a friend tonite and ask her to check in on him for me. she drove him down here for a lecture when i busted him on the rent. love that woman! she has a special needs kid too. our "boys" are childhood friends. now at last we moms are too. my son was very careful to never let me have her phone number. but i got it anyway! i am so lucky to have her there close by. so blessed she loves my son and they hang out together.
time to let it go for the day. had to give up my massages. kids come first no matter how old they are physically. mine is forever 12. he's a love most of the time. right now tho he needs someone to hate. that's me. it's cool. given his inability to mature i must always remember that looks are deceiving. yes i see a man who towers over me. but those big blue eyes are my baby.
peace,
blue
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Old 10-27-2012, 08:33 PM   #5
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Re: slammed

I have a big gentle hug for you sister. You sure have a big full plate right now don't you.
No pain cream AND no massage, you have gentle breezes coming to you to massage the pain away. Plus a big dose of sunshine to feed you some positive, relaxing energy.

It's worth a million to have a friend like that who not only understands and is willing to act for you too.

Your baby will wake one day soon and be well over being mad at Mom. Us mother are good targets for our childrens misdirected anger , it helps we understand why we are aimed at most of the time.

Gentle hugs to a better tomorrow

 
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Old 10-28-2012, 09:13 AM   #6
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Re: slammed

hi name sis,
thanks for the thought but no my son will never stop being mad at me. he is stuck in a 12 year old mind. that will not change. he was well brainwashed by his fathers family when i went back to work instead of on welfare as they wanted me to do. it's a long story and a sad one for my son.
i am doing better. talked with bev and she is going to pop in on my son soon. after halloween. she is putting on 2 parties one for kids one for adults. lee can wait. my words.
decided i can handle it and be gracious about it all. it's all just another test in life so i will laugh my way thru and ace it!
dang my body sure is being a tempermental princess!
peace,
blue
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