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Old 02-14-2013, 10:34 AM   #1
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What to do when your family gives up on you?

I have had FM/Mps for 17+ yrs. Recently went thru a HUGE stressful situation...I was forced to move by my own father (i was renting his condo after he moved and swore to me that I would live there forever) out of nowhere he decided to sell and wanted me out to fast, I couldn't find a place, things got ugly so I decided to move closer to my sister who has been my only rock for yrs. and she said she'd help me if needed. Well after the move she started getting more distant, rarely called the other day she tells me I'm sick of feeling sorry for you, your not the person you used to be and just started picking me apart and she can't do it anymore cause it depresses her. I forgot to say that after the move I kept getting increasing sicker from all the stress lost tooo much weight I am just skin and bones, so weak, the place I moved is horrible for me, I just now am a tiny bit better after a flu and weather related flare-up for the last 3 weeks which has left me litterally helpless (got so bad I almost went to the ER), so weak and cannot go anywhere, running out of food etc. I cannot believe after all these yrs. why or how she could do this now when I need her the most. I can't sleep , I cry all day and feel like I'm losing it. I'm stuck in a unfamilar town, apt still all full of unpacked boxes since Oct. I just wanna go back to my comfort zone, my area I lived in for the past 10 yrs. I don't know what to do? I have no one else, I never felt so unloved & alone & scared out of my mind in my life!
Any advice welcomed!! Sorry so long of a post.
Thanks for listening,
sufferann

 
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:00 AM   #2
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

hi ann,
i am sorry you are so lost right now. you must look to yourself for real support. no one in our families can handle what we live daily. it's important to learn to stand on your own no matter what. i learned this lesson right away. not with family, with the man who said he loved me. wrong. he wanted the healthy me not the me that i am.
being strong and independant became my goal. if i ask family for anything they know i need the help because i hardly ever ask. i do not share how i am feeling daily with anyone. i don't want to talk about it and really they do not want to know, they have their lives to get thru too.
perhaps this is your wake up call to find your inner strength and work it out. moving so far from your comfort zone is not something i would do, even tho my sis would say come to me, i would not. i stay where i feel safe even if that means finding another place to live. do you have social security or work?
nothing can change what has happened but you can heal some of it with your sis. perhaps she is overwelmed and lost about you too? and just does not have the right words. one thing i learned fast, don't feel sorry for yourself no matter what. that path is an ugly one that leads to being alone and that i do not want.
you are stronger than you realize. reach within for there is great strength there.
peace,
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Old 02-15-2013, 11:16 AM   #3
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluelakelady View Post
hi ann,
i am sorry you are so lost right now. you must look to yourself for real support. no one in our families can handle what we live daily. it's important to learn to stand on your own no matter what. i learned this lesson right away. not with family, with the man who said he loved me. wrong. he wanted the healthy me not the me that i am.
being strong and independant became my goal. if i ask family for anything they know i need the help because i hardly ever ask. i do not share how i am feeling daily with anyone. i don't want to talk about it and really they do not want to know, they have their lives to get thru too.
perhaps this is your wake up call to find your inner strength and work it out. moving so far from your comfort zone is not something i would do, even tho my sis would say come to me, i would not. i stay where i feel safe even if that means finding another place to live. do you have social security or work?
nothing can change what has happened but you can heal some of it with your sis. perhaps she is overwelmed and lost about you too? and just does not have the right words. one thing i learned fast, don't feel sorry for yourself no matter what. that path is an ugly one that leads to being alone and that i do not want.
you are stronger than you realize. reach within for there is great strength there.
peace,
bluelakelady
Thanks for your reply! It is just so hard!I have dealtwith the on & off support,
mean or condesending, unbelieving comments for yrs. This is the 1st time I
have been sooo scared!!!!!! If I wasn't at such a weakened state from all the stress of the move and all the horrible things that were said by family I think I could get thru this better. I have lost soooo much weight and muscle mass I am like a deflated baloon and now just going thru these last 3 weeks and still yet some kind of flu and flare and horrid ibs-c problems and scary new symptoms.I am sooooo weak it's hard to walk.After ALL these yrs dealing with thisI feel abandoned.Your right I shoud've NEVER moved from my comfort zone , I knew in my gut, but my dad was rushing soooo hard to get out and I could not find anything in my area,that I could afford that had what I need( I am on SSDI, not working at all). And this place I moved to(sounds crazy) but I feel has made me sicker, it's older, dirty, dusty, stuffy etc.etc. Since i have a bad time with the weather and temp changes its like I can never get in a zone here.
Over the yrs. I always tried to do on my own unless I was really bad and they, especially my sis always said "you have to ask for help more, that's your problem" so now when I need them the most...where are they??
I just feel like throwing in the towel. I am looking online for a new place but I have this lease here and how do I move on my own ? It all is too stressful, don't mean to sound like a big baby but just am shocked after all the yrs when she(my sis) 1st got MS(and is ALOT healthy than me for yrs now) I took care of her. Just where is the family love and loyalty? It just saddens me.
I appreciate your kind and uplifting words!! It'll be in Gods hands whats in store for me...I don't know??
Thanks again
Peace,
sufferann

 
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Old 02-16-2013, 07:39 AM   #4
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

hi ann,
i know the weight loss and weakness too. i am down to 108 and i was always a big woman. i am 5'5" and it ain't pretty, giggle. what i do is take lots of tiny breaks during doing anything. i hope i have set my life up so that the next move is into the cremation box sitting in my living room, giggle. moving is a monumental task healthy or not.
as for family remember you can't pick your relatives but you can pick your friends. so if you have any friends reach out to them gently. see if they are in a place in their lives to be able to gift you with time and some assistance.
i do know the feeling of being alone and hard as it was i am stronger for it. yea i remember all the comments and looks and junk. like water off a ducks fanny i let it roll out of my life and back to theirs.
now do what i do every morning. go to the mirror and say i love you body, together we can do anything with wisdom. thank you for being here for another day no matter how you feel. choosing to love my body as she is brings great peace to me.
perhaps you and sis can start over with no needs of each other, just the love and friendship. asking another person with health probs to be your rock just is not fair. my sis still tries to be my rock and now that she had back surgery i won't let her. i don't NEED her to be my rock, just my friend. when she was healthy i would from time to time discuss what is going on with my body as it changes. fibro is not my only issue.
remember when you helped your sis you were healthy. different circumstances this time. can't expect the same results. does that make sense for you?
redwood tree hugs and
peace,
blue
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:14 AM   #5
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Hello Sufferann, what is it that you have? fibromyalgia and what is mps?
I know how you feel about your sister. I have the same problem. For years I didn't want to have anything to do with her and she forced me to stay in touch, and now I
need something from her and she won't talk to me. She simply told me to back off.
Does it make sense?

I don't think you should forgive your sister for what she is doing to you right now.
This is too much. YOu are in a time of trouble and nobody helps you.
I bet even your aunts don't want to help, huh?

So how do manage to live on your own with ssdi? and what is excactly what you have?

 
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Old 02-17-2013, 06:01 PM   #6
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Dear ann, First, im sorry but i just cant call someone suffer & unforgiveness only hurts YOU more. I used to have ulcerative colitis, now in remission, & have had chronic back pain for thirty years so i thought about this situation that you are in. First, if it is a possibility fly or have someone pick you up & take you to the environment that you know that is better & you can get stronger, leave what you have behind temporarily for as much time as you can get staying at a friend, cousin, old neighbor. If not possible find out who is the best gastroenterologist in your area & go there to get in hospital until you can eat food & keep it in. Make sure this dr will return your calls day & night & if dehydrated will admit you. If you cant get & prepare food & are this weak i think you should be in hospital.After this then when you feel better from sickness i think it will be easier to thrive in current environment until you can move & you can think better too. I wish i could take care of you myself! Give yourself time to recover & a chance to recover to whatever point that can be. Also, i read this before & it helped me so much from getting sick from what others say, do etc " What other people think is none of your business. So, stay out of their business" i hope this translates by soundind kind not bossy because it makes what other people do wrong not be because of something that feels like your fault when it is not in your control believe me i know that you are thr tiredest of being sick! So,being the best you can to others is all we can control. Please let us know how you are, & we understand & you are a gift to us. God bless you, ann

Last edited by gmak; 02-17-2013 at 07:47 PM. Reason: typo

 
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Old 02-17-2013, 07:35 PM   #7
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Thank you all for the kind words and support !!!!!! You'll Never know how much I appreciate it soooo very much!!!!!!!! To answer someone's question I have Fibro and Mps stands for Myofacial pain Syndrome &also IBS-C , Arthritis, carpal tunnel, aniety, depression...on &on. Anyway I have kinda gone to a dark place since my last talk w/ my sis and decided not to bother her for awhile and I don't wanna talk to her cause the sound her voice is so cold & robotic(not the sis I know & love to death) and it just stresses & upsets me more.
To address others... I have never been really close to any relatives throughout my life(just the way I grew up?) So it would be weird to reach out to them now. My mom died in '95 and my dad in the last few yrs remarried(yuck) and that is when the influence of this lady really changed my dad. I have lost any friends, a fiance etc. throughout the yrs of them getting sick of cancellig plans or me just being sick. My brother is ill so I don't wanna bug him and we are not close, his wife sometimes will help but not without alot of judgement and telling what I should do having no undrstanding or empathy of what i deal with. So that is why I'm in this bind.... my old area is not too far away from here and I keep searching online but there is not much out there I can afford for my needs.
I feel a little better just very weak and scared if i try to go out alone, it's not safe. I mean it's like a block & ahalf in the cold just to try to get the mail.(might sound pathetic but that is a far walk for me)
Keep getting new weird symptoms and don't know if it's just all the stress and worrying about how I'm gonna pick up meds, get groceries, my sis etc. etc.
Really trying not to lose it and all your guys words REALLY help. I used to be so strong 20 yrs ago i feel like such a failure. I think it was about 7 yrs ago when I went thru a horrible bedridden yr from withdrawls from going off ssri's that I just lost so much hope and energy and will.
THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH for your kind words and encouragement!!
And whoever said that they would like to take care of me.....hop on a plane and I'll take you up on it...haha.
god bless,
Sufferann

 
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Old 02-17-2013, 07:56 PM   #8
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Dear one that was me & i want to tell you i have learned in my 56 years that relatives & people that you think would say no are capable of the most extraordinary kindnesses! God will provide somebody, please let this be known only a no is all that they can say & thats what you have now. Please try, there has to be an answer. Im praying for a miracle for you.

 
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Old 02-24-2013, 05:13 PM   #9
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Just thought I'd update you all on the situation since you have all been so kind & helpful. Physically a little better, mentally just kinda dead inside and who cares kinda feeling. after last week talking to my dad, he said he'd go pick up some food for me but not without telling me how bad of a cold he had, how many boxes of tissues he went thru and (gross!)...the color of his phlegm(sp?),REALLY ... the usual manipulative guilt feelings I've gotten all my life anyway the next day comes no call, nothing...I used every bit of energy I had and went myself...It was so scary I lost my breath a few times, felt like I was gonna pass out in the middle of the store but I hobbled around and made it home, So I call him to tell him he's off the hook and for the nth time he belittles how sick and weak I am and is joking about it and chuckling when I said I thought I was gonna pass out....WHAT about that is funny???!!! REALLY??!! He does that ALL the time? Then on the day he said he was gonna go and I never heard back from him he says in the convo that he was out and about and went to vote...in single digit weather when he was so sick with a cold...REALLY?! On the sister front she left a message yesterday but I just didn't know what to say and want to get all stressed out so I didn't pick up cause I know she probably, as usual would've acted as if nothing happened.
So there's my venting....sorry. Just feeling BLAH and hopeless and why am I even here ??!!
Thanks again to you all and bless you!
sufferann

 
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Old 02-24-2013, 09:28 PM   #10
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Hi ann, How much stronger physically? Are you able to prepare food, get drinks for yourself & eat? Im so sorry that your family members are letting you down. I have a feeling that your dad didnt show because he told your sister to & when you didnt answer they decided that you must be ok. This kind of thing has happened to me before when my husb shifts to my sons & they say dad i didnt get her & then he lets them off of hook because if i was still alive when i got home that means i was ok to go. Thankfully, a long time ago & very seldom, when they were irresponsible teenagers. It happens most when i have been doing bad so long everyone is tired of taking care of me, they have an arbitrary imaginary limit set on just how long it can be then they are done but a long time ago now. Still, i had no control on how long it would last!What did the message say from your sis, of course i would understand if you didnt listen to it. But, in time i hope that forgiveness comes between you two, it will make you feel better without the emotional stress. Still praying for you & hope you are stronger soon. We are here for you. Take care.

Last edited by gmak; 02-24-2013 at 09:33 PM.

 
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:15 PM   #11
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

Hi, let me just start off by giving you a giant cyber gentle (((hug)))! I'm so sorry your family is treating you this way. I was diagnosed in 2000 and now just have a few friends I can count on and then there's hubby who I know tries very hard but he gets tired, I know he didn't sign up for this.

I am basically bedridden at this point, wow, hard to put that on paper. Everyday there is a reason to make me feel bad I swear. It's either my neck and shoulders, a migraine, upset tummy, nausea, just always something.


I was thinking, have you tried reaching out to a local church? I'm sure they would be willing to help. I mean especially if you have $ for groceries I think they would shop for you. I would call around. I know it's hard.

You could also call the local hospitals and see if there are spt GPS that would be able to help.

Just my thought.

I haven't been anywhere except the drs in 3 months so I know what you're going thru.

Do you take magnesium for your muscles and vit d since you don't get out? Something to try. Best of luck Cathy

 
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Old 02-24-2013, 11:39 PM   #12
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

no, no. If there is anyone who cannot get out of bed cause of fibromyalgia then you should tell that to your doctor. Today doctor prescribe naroctic pain medications (that will help you function include getting out of bed...)and also Xyrem.

 
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Old 02-25-2013, 12:05 AM   #13
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

It is very sad when we have to admit our families are not willing or able to help us when we need help. The best thing we can do is to find new ways to provide the help we need for ourselves, whether it be an agency of the state or county, a medical referral or a service designed for folks like ourselves.

I am disabled myself and have had to rely on myself for many things over the years. Explaining the situation to your doctor is the first step, then reaching out to neighborhood services, your church, and govt agencies. My state provides help for individuals who cannot care for themselves with so many hours a week of help in your home. You can choose and hire your own care taken and the state pays them. If you need help preparing meals, shopping, cleaning, laundry, you name it. If you can get yourself into a store, take advantage of the electric carts to drive around the store in, rather than try and walk. There is always and employee there to help you load your basket, check out and load your car. Our local grocery store has a bagger that does personal shopping for disabled and elderly shoppers, including home delivery and putting them away.

While I know it hurts to think your family is too busy for you, the truth is that we all need to be as self sufficient as possible and not to rely on favors all the time. The least you can put yourself in the position to be disappointed, the better.

Rather than be depleted with all the hurt and stress you are under, take good care of yourself first, and free yourself from the role of the needy burden, and to the place of competence and independence. I understand this is not all done in one step, but as the result of your combined efforts with a clear goal in mind.

In a perfect world, this would never happen, but the reality is that it is very common in this frantic and furious paced world. Do your best to free your family of the role of nursemaid, and regain the role of simply brothers and sisters.

I hope this helps a bit...Your family may have given up on you but that means you cannot give up on yourself even more. When it is their turn, they will have your example to draw from. I hope you awake each day stronger than the one before, mentally and physically.

 
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Old 02-25-2013, 06:53 AM   #14
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

beautifully stated growagourd. love your name. say hi to mother ocean for me. my fam is down there where you are.
peace,
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:21 AM   #15
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Re: What to do when your family gives up on you?

bluelakelady,

I thank you for the kind words, and will surely deliver your message to mother ocean.

Illness can be very difficult for friends and family members to understand, and harder for people to always respond just as we want them too, just when we need them to, or just how we like them to.

As anyone who has taken on the huge task of providing care for loved ones, it is often a thankless and never ending job with few rewards and less time for ourselves. We never know how we will respond when called upon to provide care for others, family or not.

I have never had a bond with my own sister, thus never expected any effort by her to help me or my children from the start. While most of us get a family by blood, we end up choosing those whom we love for just being themselves. I would focus on those people, as they can offer you help willingly and freely, without all the strings attached. In return we can repay them in ways they can appreciate and we can provide.

No one can really give up on you until you give up on yourself, and allow yourself to become given up on. That is a power that cannot be given away by anyone but you..Bless you...

 
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