I honestly have no idea where to put this, Hope this forum works.
Hi. I'm a 17 year old kid, and I really need to get some opinions on some things. When I was little, I moved back and fourth between my mother (I'll just say her, it really pains me to call her mom) and my dad... When i was in the 3rd grade I decided to stay with her, my dad punished me and spanked me.. My brother wanted to stay with my dad, so he did. I liked living with her because she never punished me and she never bothered me about doing homework or anything like that, I could just do whatever I wanted... but thats not how it went, she's been a horrible parent to me.. she never once asked me about my schoolwork so I always failed my classes, nobody cared if I did my homework... She would call me horrible names, I remember one night specificly she woke me up in the middle of the night and yelled at me, she told me I was a ****** and that I wasn't even a real man (I was 13 at the time?) ...She's on drugs, she always has been.. she likes it, she isn't one of those people who is addicted and only does it because they have to, she genuinly enjoys doing drugs, so naturally theres alot of people always over at my house, At times I've even mistakenly walked in on them while they did the drugs when I was younger, and to this day they know that I know, but nobody has ever said anything about it. I was horribly depressed when I was 13-15, I felt worthless.. I knew that nobody cared about me, Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I remember whenever 'she' would talk to me i'd get extremely emotional and I would grab my arm and cut myself with my nails.. I try to never talk to her because of the problems shes caused me over the years, I still live with her but we hardly ever talk... I have always had "friends" at school, but i never had anybody over.. I was never close to anybody. One of "her" friends has been homeless and lived with us for a while, off and on over a couple of years.. sometimes they have a place, sometimes they dont... i've made good friends with one of their kids over the years, his name is jesse, his parents are on drugs and he doesn't know it... he's about 2 years younger than I am, now that he doesn't live with me I still have him over, and his family still stays with us a lot... He tries to be a normal kid, he has no idea of whats really going on around here, the drug deals... my problems, he tries to be a normal kid as best as he can being homeless and all, he's like me, he has "friends" at school, but he's a shy kid and doesnt really hang out with them out of school, just me.... lately he's been getting into more stuff than just comming over to my house, like basket ball and exercising... and for some reason this shook me up, I felt like I was almost physically sick.. It made me depressed, I thought it could have been jealousy, but It doesn't feel like jealousy? the other day he told me he was going to get his drivers permit. I felt physically sick to my stomache, I really don't care for driving.. Or do I? I remember I never let myself get excited about things other kids would get excited about because I felt it could never happen for me, I never thought I'd live to be this old to tell you the truth. My questions are with my friend, I don't know why I get so physically sick and depressed when he tells me about getting his permit and whatnot, I feel I might be jealous of him getting older and living life, something I don't think I can do. I havent been depressed in years by the way. Maybe I'm scared he'll find new friends and stop comming around? He's the only person on this planet that I care about, He doesn't know that.. . I don't want him to think i'm weird or make him nervous. I feel the bad parenting I went through has given me a lot of mental walls and I'm not sure what to do about it, but I feel the one concerning my friend is urgent.
I don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff, I'm not close with my dad.... Why do you think I have such problems emotionally with my friend getting out more? Am I afraid he'll find better friends and stop comming around? Or am I afraid that he's growing up and enjoying life while I cannot?
Last edited by SomeGuy1990; 09-23-2007 at 08:55 PM.
First of all, I am so sorry you have had such a crappy experience in childhood. I also had a Mom on drugs, and could never have friends over. Your life is not over, and you can do the things you dream of. I got out, took my GED (my folks didn't care if I even went to school, so I dropped out), went to college, and got my own life.
It's not easy, especially when you haven't done well in school, but you sound like it's doing the work, not your intelligence. I think you are feeling this way because of all the reasons you listed. You may be a little jealous, you may be worried your friend will get new friends. It's hard when you only have one friend that you can be safe around.
I just want you to know, that your life is just beginning. It is soon going to be YOUR time, not anyone elses. Get therapy of you need to. I did, and I am better for it. I refused to allow my childhood to dictate and/or ruin the rest of my life.
Hang in there. Things will get better. Make some plans for yourself. You are not trapped, there are options for you. Good luck, and I pray you find the peace you deserve.
Thanks... I really don't want this to ruin my entire life, thats why I'm trying to seek help. It's pretty hard. I have a hard time thinking about myself, about my own dreams.. I never let myself think about my future because I figured it would never happen, now that I'm past the darkest days I still can't.. When I think about the future, I think about my friend and what I could do to still be around him, not what I enjoy doing or whats best for me.