I put this here mainly because it seemed to fit into sos many different subject areas and I wanted to be on the safe side when posting it.
Basically I have been feeling extremely down about my weight lately. I am upset and angry with my body because I have practically been following a diet-like eating routine for a long time and my weight either stays the same or increases. I don't eat fast food or drink soda pop, I drink water and green tea and eat healthy cereals with skim milk. I don't touch fast food and do my best not to snack...and here I am, a fat blob. Heck, I have even recently become vegetarian to try and help in my quest to drop the excess weight and I'm still not seeing results.
Thinking about my weight just gets me down. Exercise does nothing for me because I get tired after about five minutes. I can walk, but walking doesn't do much. I am considering going back to long-term fasting since that is what made me drop 70 pounds when I was in high school. At this point, I would rather have a thin, sick body than a fat semi-healthy one.
I am even considering leaving my boyfriend so he can find someone better looking. I know he loves me and I love him, and while he always always tells me how beautiful I am, in the back of my mind I feel he's just settling for me.
There are days I don't even want to go out into public because that means people will see me and my fat body. I just want to stay home and sleep all day so no one will need to see me. For years, I have refused to wear shorts of any kind, tank tops, baby tees or any shirts made for women. I am too ashamed of what I look like to wear anything revealing, so I don myself in mens' clothing so I know I will be fully covered in clothing that is billowy and roomy. Even in the hottest part of the summer, I am wearing black t-shirts and jeans and allowing myself to sweat buckets because of how much I hate the way I look. This is why I could never join a gym - it would mean other people will be there and even if they are fatter than I am, it would mean they could see me and I would be ashamed of being seen and I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of pressure.
See what I mean when I say I didn't know where to post this? Lots of subjects all in one. And before anyone asks, I'm not some 75-pound teenager with an eating disorder - au contraire, I'm about 192 pounds and in the obese range for my height according to the BMI calculator. The low end of obese, but still...obese. I have not turned to throwing up mainly because I have a fear of vomiting. And yes, I have tried considering that I am somehow beautiful the way I am...but I don't see it. I've looked for that beauty for years and found nothing but a fat monster that looks back at me from the mirror.
I don't know if I am depressed or have some other mental issue or what. All I know is I'm in a big rut right now and I'm considering taking all my food to a local pantry so I stop eating. I know I probably sound emo...today is just not one of my better days.
....I don't know if I am depressed or have some other mental issue or what. All I know is I'm in a big rut right now and I'm considering taking all my food to a local pantry so I stop eating. I know I probably sound emo...today is just not one of my better days.
Boy, do I understand those feelings. And for the grand finale, I gained over 35 pounds on blood pressure meds, which pushed me into the "I'm so out of control, I don't know where to begin..." But things have changed for the better and they will for you, too.
I have gradually developed a weight problem over the years...but I've learned something about what's causing it...
1. When I don't eat a nutrional/balanced diet, I binge on things that contain nutrients that I'm deficient in. I've learned this by looking about the nutrional ingredients of the foods I binge on...chocolate and almonds is a regular theme. Both are high in magnesium. When I eat a well balanced diet that contains adequate amounts of magnesium, the chocolate and almonds stay in the house for weeks...when I don't, I eat the entire bag/bar/whatever in a sitting and then go out for more!
2. My sleeping disorder has played a major role in my weight gain. Although some people believe excessive weight can "create" a sleep disorder, they have found that the reverse is true also...in other words, a sleep disorder can cause a weight gain...for 3 reasons.
1. People who are tired lack energy and don't exercise regularly.
2. People who are tired don't eat nutritiously.
3. When you don't get enough sleep(more specifically, enough REM), there is a change in body chemistry. Sleep deprivation is thought to lower the levels of leptin and raise the level of Grehlin. Leptin is a hormone that normally suppresses the apetite and Grehlin is a hormone that normally increases food intake and they theorize that it plays a role in the regulation of weight. In other words, sleep deprivation can change your metabolism.
And finally, I found that depression, anxiety, and breathing problems are common symptoms of people with sleep disorders...and treating the disorder, reduces or eliminates the depression, anxiety, shortness of breath, etc.
That said, endocrine conditions can cause similar symptoms....poor sleep, depression, anxiety, weight gain/loss, etc.
Thanks for reading. With my weight issues, I think there's more than one factor at work. Primarily is genetics - all the women on my mom's side of the family are about 5' 4" and are fat. Not huge-50-inch-waistline fat, but still large. Big thighs, legs, posteriors and bellies...big everything. I did not fall far from the tree.
Also, I fasted a lot in high school (as mentioned) and I think that might have messed up my metabolism. I started wating more normally when I got to college, and that made me gain back 60 of the 70 pounds I lost. I used to be about 180 when I was sick with the flu and couldn't eat, but that came back right quick.
There is also a possibility I might have a thyroid problem, even though my TSH results came back okay (I have many symptoms of hypothyroidism).
I tend to get into funks like this often because I feel like I am powerless to do anything about it. I discovered the willpower when I was 16 to stop eating because I'd read a story of a man who ate no solid food and lived off soda, milk, water and juice for a year and lot 300 pounds. That tale inspired me and I figured if he could loe that much in a year, I could surely drop about 50 pounds in a few months. It took longer than that, but as I ate less and less, it became a lifestyle more than a chore. Afte rnot eating for a good long while, I realized I'd nearly forgotten how to eat when I ate an apple.
My mom was in a depression at the time and didn't feel like making meals, so I fended for myself...which is why she never noticed I was not eating. Now I kick myself because I can't even find the willpower to say 'no' to food anymore and it really makes me feel weak. When I gave up eating and succeeded, I felt like I had control of my life and I felt like I was making a difference in myself...and I was. I eventually droed to 128 pounds and I felt amazing - I was happy, I felt good, and I looked good. Everyone told me how beautiful I looked. Now, I'm just another fat slob. And the worst part is I'm not even fat enough for liposuction - I'm overweight.
I think I may try fasting again on and off over my summer break. I will need to eat because my mom is no longer depressed and often makes dinner, so she will notice if I do not eat. I may also go back to doing minor exercises like push-ups and crunches since that's all I can do. If I can just see some weight drop off and stay off, I'll feel a little better about myself - just being able to fit back into my old skin-tight jeans will restore my confidence.
Hello Dark Stranger. You are in good company. You are not alone. Believe me! I don't know if you are over 40 but that is when it hit me. I am 43. I have gained 38 pounds in the last 3 or 4 years. I used to be 140 then I ballooned up to 178 at my highest. I used to be able to eat anything I wanted. Then I become hypothyroid 2 years ago. That works against me everyday..I have been depressed on and off. That adds to me wanting to eat. I used to look great and loved how people looked at me. As the weight went up, guys stopped looking and I stopped caring. But it bugs me everyday. I weigh myself everyday. I too have cut out many things like pop etc...eating healthy and I would even gain weight. What's up with that? The more I try the harder it gets. It's just so hard. I would love to look beautiful again. I hardly want to be intimate with my husband because I know I am chubby. He says I am beautiful but I feel like he is just trying to be nice.
I know how you feel. It is a daily battle. Hang in there! I am trying to fight the buldge everyday!
I know hypothyroidism knocks your metabolism totally out of whack, which is why hypo patients often have weight issues. It stinks majorly because you could diet to your heart's content and may still gain weight or remain at a constant weight.
I don't know how good thi will make you feel, TEdwards83, but your weight gain didn't seem to be too horrific, although I know it can be lame to gain weight. Are you on any medication for your thyroid issues, by chance? While I don't think thyroid medss are magic weight loss pills, I think they will help your metabolim as they regulate your thyroid. At least I think so.
But thank you all for the support. I was happy to not hear responses like, "You have an eating disorder, get help" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get off your lazt behind and exercise!" -- I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I just really had to vent about this.
I was happy to hear BF say that he thinks all I have is a little extra baggage. I encourage him to be honest with me and I was glad to hear him say I had a little extra weight as opposed to saying I was a fat slob. I don't believe him, but he made me feel better