Extremely Overly Conscious!
I'm a 21 year old female and I am extremely overly conscious about everything in my life!
I'm overly conscious about my bodily functions, like what I eat and drink and when I do this, as well as my bladder and colon. Because of this, I have shy bladder-I can not and refuse to go into a public bathroom.
I've tried sitting for long periods of time, drinking lots of water or liquids and taking many trips, but I just don't go.
And I've developed some sort of a cycle, where I have a bowel moment every few hours (2-3 hours). And it can go from diarrhea to constipation.
I have a great fear of going out; I've been housebound for the last few years and was somewhat active as a kid and teen, but not hugely. I kept to myself mostly and never had any friends. I was also home schooled, so I did my work at home.
I have no job or in college and I've developed this weird personality, where I do not want a job, go to college, have a car or a drivers license. I seem to have very few interests in this world. I don't read very much, mostly just sit at my computer, either chatting online or watching tv. Sometimes I'll lie on my bed and stare at the wall or ceiling for hours.
I also throw tantrums and fits and cry if I'm upset, in any discomfort or pain. I worry about everything! Like my body, if I'm gonna be able to pee or have a bowel movement correctly. About what would happen when my parents aren't here to support me.
I feel like dieing and thought of killing myself to end it. I am somewhat religious, but I struggle with it. I have major trouble focusing my attentions because I seem to always be in discomfort or some pain.
I had surgery done on my aorta valve; do to a birth defect that was unknown for 18 years. I went to the doctor for hive allergies and discovered very high blood pressure and that I needed surgery. I have tons of food allergies, some foods; cause problems with my intestines and can give me trouble with bowel moments. I've had to avoid many foods and I'm very limited. And if I don't eat enough a day, I get hypoglycemic and can shake, feel dizzy, faint and collapse.
I'm in a seriously rock in a hard place! I'd rather just be left alone in a room with a bathroom I can easily access, as for food, I can't seem to get or afford it on my own.
I feel like I can't function in life or society and I need help to remember to take my medication-I forget a lot-to remember to eat something, to remember to take a shower, to remember to sleep-I've stayed up all-night without glancing at the clock once, to do my laundry, my house chores...
I'm really lost...