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Old 04-01-2011, 06:48 PM   #1
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Worried about my dad....

Sorry this is long. Skip it if you don't have the time. I need to get something off my chest.

I'm really worried about my dad. He looks pale, drawn, tired and is skin and bone. His natural disposition is to be thin but he is looking increasingly skinny.
He is 52 years old,5 foot 6 tall and weighs about 71/2 stones (about 105 pounds). He's never had a proper job as he cares for my mum who has agoraphobia, Severe OCD, clinical depression and a host of other things. Since I was a small baby he had to work from home and keep breaking from his work due to her 'episodes'. She would not let him leave the house, he hasn't got any friends other than the odd couple of people who call once a year. She goes crazy if his friends call. She won't let anyone into the house to visit him. He can't do anything outside of her. He does the shopping and all of the household chores for her as she cannot leave the house. He looks after her like she is a baby, buying her 'chocolate sweets' or other treats. He will not leave her. They haven't had sex since I was conceived, yet they share a bed and continue 'as if' they are a couple. They don't tell anyone the truth. In reality my dad is my mums carer and nothing more.

He drinks about 5-6 cups of coffee a day (for about ten years he drank 15-20, then he finally woke up and and realised he was killing himself)

But the coffee he still drinks is too much considering his weight. He also smokes 10 a day (again, for about 20 years this was much higher but he has lowered it recently)

The emotional stress he is under is incredible; he has to care for his severely mentally ill and sick wife who will not let him have a life. His 2 children are not settled and cause him many problems. This time last year I had a nervous breakdown and nearly had to be hospitalised in a foreign country. He was brilliant and there for me but since I came back he's looked so weak and old - it scares me.

He's started walking about a couple of miles away to the nearest shops about 3-4 times a week which is brilliant - but only because he can't afford a car now so he has not choice but to do that to get the shopping since my mum is housebound.

But he still suffers from severe IBS and bowel problems. When he gets out of bed at 6pm he has to drink a large cup of coke before he can get on with the day. Like clockwork. He doesn't eat a lot.

He has no hobbies. None. No friends. He goes to no social outings. He is cut of from his family as they are all starving in a third world country (he has 8 siblings, all of which have kids who are starving)

They ring the house and cry asking him for money. He is so guilty because of it, but they don't understand that my mum is ill and that he has never had a job. So he has cut contact with them and is even more isolated.

His dad died of a heart attack at the age he is now and I am scared this will happen to him too. Everyone in his family has diabetes and I think he might have it too but he refuses to go to a doctor.

He sleeps during the day and gets up to work on his websites at night. A typical day for him consists of sleeping from 9am - 6pm, getting up at 6pm and then sitting at his computer in his dressing gown for the next 12 hours. He will break only to pee or to eat. He might watch TV for an hour or so but then straight back on the computer.

He only washes once every two weeks. This has been going on now for over 20 years.

I don't know what to do.

 
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Old 04-01-2011, 06:56 PM   #2
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Re: Worried about my dad....

Forgot to say - he is the eldest of his starving family and in his culture it is expected for him to provide for the rest. So since his dad died of a heart attack the whole lot of them have harrassed him for years for money, which he can't provide - I can't imagine how this made him feel. He borrowed a lot of money to help them as his pride wouldn't let him tell them the truth. Even though him and mum have nothing,they live in a rundown council house, they buy no clothes, they have never had a holiday in 20 years. Ever.


Then he finally had to say no. He is now in over 50K worth of debt (remember my mum has no income and doesn't work) I'd say he earns about a couple of hundred pounds a month. So everything else they spend money on goes on credit cards, they are getting further and further into debt. He refuses to go bankcrupt claiming his websites are going to take off and that by doing this he would never be able to get credit again. I think he is nuts. I really think he is going to die soon, leaving my mum to rot away. I don't think she will last long without him unless they both change soon. I'm terrified of this happening and yet I know it is inevitable and will happen sooner rather than later.

 
Old 04-04-2011, 11:12 PM   #3
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Re: Worried about my dad....

your dad poor dad must be very tired Have you tried talking to him on his own and telling him that you are concerned ? You need some support too, go and speak to your GP or ring your local volunteer groupto see if there are any support groups near by for both of you. sometimes just talking to someone in the same situation helps loads.Your dad probably finds some sort of escape from his situation by going online ,Try to maybe walk with him to the shops so that you at least have a bit of time together. Bless you for caring about him.I hope things improve for you, dont try to cope all on your own.

 
Old 04-25-2011, 11:47 AM   #4
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Re: Worried about my dad....

thankyou for your reply.

I have told him many, many times and it always gets me nowhere. He says that he is 'very happy and content with his life.' He will not speak to me about his problems or anyone in fact. He is one of those men that never visit the doctors or dentist. I actually think he would die before visiting a doctor.

Because of my depression problems, when I speak to him about it he is very clever in turning it all around on me eg 'you are just depressed and worrying about nothing, better see the doctor again about your ocd'. He will do anything to push the problem onto me and change the subject.

We all know that his online addiction is escapism. But we've also come to terms with the fact that this is the way he is now. Its been over 20 years. He will get out of bed at 9pm at night and cook a big dinner at 1am, rice and sauces etc. Like it is completely normal. Becuase my mum is confined to the house he knows she will not leave him. They have no structure or normality whatsoever. Today I found a large box inside our house with paper in it. I questioned what it was.. turns out he couldn't be bothered to put our paper in the paper recylcing box outside (its directly outside the door) so he got a box from upstairs and put it inside so he doesn't have to go to the effort of opening the door and reaching his hand out a yard or so. I fear he is going to become housebound like her, his behaviour is very strange.

His last bit of freedom was to have a car which he has been bothering our next door neighbour with by parking it in her driveway for the last 2 years. He would not sell it believing that he could MOT it and get it on the road soon. But it never happened, just like nothing ever happens for him. He sold it for scrap and they bought food with it instead.

I completely agree that we all need help and support but you have to understand just how stubborn he is. He isn't a person that will be told what to do. I told him he needed a shower and he responded by not showering for another couple of weeks. Their bedroom smells like a farmyard and he will not do anything to keep himself or the house clean.

In addition he is frail and looking older and older every day. Even though my mum is the medicated one, the one who is considered 'mentally ill', I see him as more ill than her now. He needs help and he won't get it.

 
Old 04-25-2011, 11:50 AM   #5
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Re: Worried about my dad....

I also actually think he has been depressed for a very long time, but we always saw it as someone elses problem. For example, in my teens he once gave me a black eye, and was very abusive to me for years on end (emotional abuse, silent treatment etc).

I just want a fairy to fly in and sort them both out, get them to wake up at a decent hour every morning, get them working in jobs, having friends and a social life. I wish they found partners that complemented them. I just want them both to be happy.

 
Old 04-25-2011, 01:02 PM   #6
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Re: Worried about my dad....

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do He has to be willing to admit that there is a problem. It's heartbreaking, I know, but things probably will never change. Just be there if either one of them need you and take care of yourself

 
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