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Old 08-15-2011, 09:36 AM   #1
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What is wrong with me.

This is all new too me, so I didn't know what to post it in... I'm just going to try explain.

I am always so angry at my family and friends, they say that I speak to them like they are idiots all the time and I no longer am happy and sweet like I used to be. I don't convey peoples tones and always take things literally when people are joking which ends up in me being fired up about something that isn't a big deal.
I always feel irritated by people and even find i have begun telling MYSELF to shut up if I start humming, clicking, or saying something I feel is 'stupid'. I have insomnia and can never fall asleep as it usually takes me 4 hours or more.
I hate things being untidy and start to feel sick when they are.
I feel anxious about everything, especially food and generally hate it. Suffered from anorexia which then turned into bulimia which I have been trying to fix myself for the past 4 years.
I get down on myself and don't socialize because I don't think I am pretty or good enough for people to have to see me. I spend mot my time alone in my room. I try to avoid alcohol but find I depend on it when I get anxious and when I begin to drink I can not stop. I am happy at the beggining of the drinking, but afterwards I feel unreal in this life and sometimes suicidal

 
Old 08-15-2011, 10:45 AM   #2
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Re: What is wrong with me.

Hi..I'm sure this might be too long of a response, I'll try to curb it. You are truly on a scary slope of self-destruction. Have you not had any therapy support at all?

I can relate to many of those feelings, and the bottom line is that I hated myself and felt like I didn't fit in anywhere....but I didn't want to fit necessarily, I just wanted to find a comfortable self and be understood by others. In otherwords, I didn't see my needs being met by my family (dysfunctional/functioning alcoholics) and some friends, and I wanted it all to be "normal" so that I could function and just be me (whatever that was).

The bottom line....which I learned from therapy....the only one that we have control over is ourselves. The road to acceptance is very difficult and a lot of hard work/responsibility to constantly be aware until it becomes the new natural.

We use other means to punish ourselves, I think, because for some reason we believe we don't have a right to enjoy our lives or are afraid to trust that we actually can. What we do to ourselves can sometimes be worse that what others do to us. Maybe it's so that what can hurt us won't be as bad as what we can do. What we do to ourselves, we control...which usually brings an end result of relief from something.

Anger and hurt are very powerful emotions...they fit a wide range of needs. Happiness is fleeting, innocent actually...and a difficult place to remain, because nothing remains static and is always changing (which means we have to as well).

I must also add that I'm from an addictive family. I've inherited health and emotional/mental issues.... but I have no children, because I didn't want to create another me or anyone in my family for that matter. Thankfully, my brother doesn't have any children either...it's all good.

I also have learned that I don't have to spend much time with people I don't like, but I do have to learn how to spend the time with those who I don't like. I've also learned that when I'm happy I like more people.
So, when we create an altered state of survival (whatever we choose to do), we tolerate much better. It's not good for anyone....because it's a false state of being and that road to destruction.

Go to therapy...learn to be honest with your issues....realise it'll be difficult but so worth it to make the changes to have you as your very best person in your life. I still struggle and I'm still learning so much at 56....but it's been so worth it. Today may be a bad day, but I always have hope that tomorrow will be better. I'll never know what I may think or realise until I experience it at that moment.

I also forgot to add that we risk giving of ourselves to others....not everyone is worthy of that risk, however. We learn. I also have learned that the qualities of those we hang out with is what we think of ourselves.

Lots of introspection, but you have to start somewhere to heal. I don't know what happened to you in your past, but you deserve to have the best support so that you can move forward to be the best you possible. That doesn't mean fulfill everyone elses' needs. It means fulfill your own.

quincy
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Last edited by quincy; 08-15-2011 at 10:52 AM.

 
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:59 AM   #3
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Re: What is wrong with me.

Thank you, even for saying anything. I think it's the bulimia that is just ruining everything for me. It gets better, well I tell myself it does. But it is never really better, and when I start to speak about it I feel anxious and tell whoever I am speaking to that I am fine. I am just tired of lying to myself but can never ring myself to see a doctor cause I fear they will ell me the worst. The last time I saw any doctor was when I was 17, I am now 20 and yes these patterns have continued since I was 15, though I could kind of control it then. I am scared to see a dentist also and really can't even afford it. Some days I feel totally normal, and others as far from normal as possible. I just wish I could be thin but be recovering. That doesn't even make sense but it's how I feel.

 
Old 08-16-2011, 12:11 PM   #4
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Re: What is wrong with me.

Being thin to you is your concept of perfect....but thin doesn't mean healthy.

If you can't afford to seek help, maybe do it online and read about cognitive behavioural therapy. Basically, your thoughts are causing your behaviour to be destructive and negative. If you can intervene cognitively to change your thoughts, your behaviour will change as well.

The days that are good...why are they? The days that are bad...why are they?

If you can learn how to make sense of your thoughts, you can help break the cycle.

I must also ask that if are getting more attention (negative or positive)when you're being destructive (angry, bulemic, drunk), that could be the key.

All your behaviours and thinking are defense mechanisms in order for you to cope. Functioning well takes a lot of work when the mind has to be in corrective mode 24/7...Eventually it gets better.

Please check in with other forums on Health Boards that can relate to your issues of anxiety, depression, anger, weight loss, stress, addiction, etc so that you can find other insight.

quincy
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It's all a matter of perspective!

 
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