poppydad0

Hi,

In January 2001 my grandfather died, I wasn't so badly affected. It was the first death I had ever dealt with in the family and I was more sad for my mum and intrigued at the whole situation. He was in his late 80s. Two months later my father who was my best friend died, he was 56, I was 24 and it ripped my heart out. Two months later my seventeen year old dog died who was my baby, shortly followed by my cat. Earlier this year my boyfriends step dad died, followed by my mum's friend of 40 years who had suffered with MS.

Until January 2001 I had a normal, steady family background. The day my dad died changed everything. The family fell apart. Luckily those important to me I'm still close to, my mum first and foremost. I'm not sure what my point is apart from I still sit back and marvel at how things have changed, how one day can change your entire life.

I'm struggling to deal with my dad's death. I won't go into much detail here but it has been unbelievably painful. I am not in a place where I can look back on his life with joy. I am still twisted about it. Time's a healer I hear from everyone and although the raw agony is no longer at the surface I'm constantly aware it's only just below.

I'm now 28 and I'm jealous of all those with both parents still living, I'm bitter that my lovely daddy had to die so suddenly without me there (mum was with him which is a consolation although he died during the night and so was effectively alone). I would give anything to just have been there to hold his hand as he died, anything to help him. Because I know for a fact he was scared. He had long running heart problems and was living on borrowed time for so long but somehow it still came as the biggest shock of my life. I can still hear his voice, I see him in my dreams and I think about him almost all the time. And I don't want to stop.

Anyway, I have no point to this post. Stuff just needed to come out.

I wish you all well