mom's death caused anoher unexpected problem... - Grief & Loss Message Board

Fata311 · 02-06-2005, 08:57 PM

I am 18 now, and my mother died when I was 5 years old. It was two days after christmas and I lay in bed with her while she died. At the time, I thought she was acting strange when she died, she was yelling and throwing her arms about, as young as I was, I didn't know what was going on and I was scared for myself rather than her. I went into my brother's bedroom and fell asleep beside his bed on the floor. When he woke up, he had asked me why I was in his room I had told him and he got up and went into our mom's room. He went over to a body for a minute and looked over to me and said "mom's dead, shes dead.". Now I know death of a loved one, espically at a young age can cause many problems mentally. Alot of them have come and gone for me, but recently, another has come up. I don't really know where to start, so i'll try and hope you pick up. I guess you could start with my girlfriend, we are approaching our one year anniversary. Recently, everytime i say "bye" or "goodnight" or anything that involves leaving or getting off the phone or whatnot, I always fear it's the last. I guess you could say I feel this way because i have already lost one very important person, and am simply scared to lose another. Also, I see what it has done to my father, that loved my mother very very much. They were the type of couple that people might say looked genuinely happy, and you could just tell they were so truly in love. And when I see what this has done to him I cannot fathom how it would make me feel If I lost someone else I love, espically someone I love just as much as my mother. And BTW, I have know my girlfriend for about five years, but we have just started dating about a year ago, this is not to be confused with puppy love or anything like that.

Conclusively, I say that the easiest way of describing a problem I need help with is the paranoia I feel of losing someone that I honestly love, just as my father did my mother. It's something I think about alot of the time i'm not with her. can anyone help me to get over this feeling? I feel like I have conquered in accepting my mother's death, but I never expected it to bring forth anything like this. Thank you very much for your help in advance.

Pillowtalkk · 02-07-2005, 06:13 AM

I know how you feel about the mom loss , i lost my mom 7 years ago on FEb 5th , i cryed for 2 or 3 years straight till i relized i needed help . I am on depression medicine and it seems to help . But to this day if her name gets brought up or i think of a certain thing i cant hold it back . She was my sisters and I everything , our back bone , we had her 24/7 even when we got older we all would sit on the phone 3 way and talk allday till my dad or at that time our hubbys got home. My mom died from a mistake a Doctor made , she had the flu and went to the doctor 3 times in one week saying she couldnt breath or eat or anything , That aXX kept sending her home . we feel like she was begging for help and her doctor of 30 something years did nothing. I remember hearing the phone ring at 4 in the morning and my one sister was on there (/cry ) she said mom is gone .... i thought for sure she meant finally the doctor put her in the hospital she said no mom died , my world fell apart , i stood there in shock . My one sister my dad called was already on her way to moms house so the sister who called me came to get me when we got there , mom was still on the love seat dead , i was there when they put her in a body bag . Which i am was ok with that because it kinda made it hit home before alot of people showed up. People think and say it will get easier but i dont think so , i cry alot still not as much . i wish i could conquer her death but i cant seem to let go . MOM if your reading this ( i believe in heaven and she is there ) i miss you , i remember when i was growing up and i would say that if something happen to her i couldnt live and she would say , yes you could oneday you will grow up and have kids , you will have to live for them and she was right . They keep me strong and living today .

Stacia · 03-02-2005, 06:57 PM

I don't know the feeling of loosing a mom because I still have mine. I did loose my mother-in-law last summer. I know the relationship isn't the same, but it's hard. She was 57. She spent the last 3 months of her life in a hospital. I was there for her every day and the day she died. I've accepted that completely.

My husband had been doctoring since last spring. He had some facial pain. We went to many docs, PCP, Sinus Guy and then a Neurologist. Two days after her funeral we found out that my husband had had a stroke. He is 34 and I am 33. I have a constant fear of him having another one. He has a hole in his heart and they won't fix it until he has another stroke. Another stroke could paralize him among many things. Every day I think about this. I am so afraid of something happening. We have a race car we drag race, he likes to hunt, fish, we live on a few acres of land and have two labs that we play with outside on the four wheelers etc. Life would be over as we know it.

I still haven't gotten it in my head to get it out of my head. It's so hard. I tell myself every day that we must not take each day for granted. Which I honestly don't think we do anymore. We have no control over what life dishes us. If something should happen, if he should die someday, I have to look at the life we had together that was so incrediably awesome. It's kindof a mental game. I'm working on that. If you have anyway that you try and work on it let me know. Each day that goes by I get more comforted.

Remember the saying: It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.

We can't fear the future, we just have to live each day as it comes.

Take care.

Stacia

charlodius · 03-11-2005, 07:53 AM

I know how you feel. My mother died when I was 7 years old, and I know the feeling of dread you get when the phone rings at 1:00 in the morning and your mind shoots to the worst possible scenario. My problem was further exacerbated by a violent automobile accident that I was in a few years ago. My suggestion is something called cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a short duration type of psychotherapy that allows you to confront your irrational thoughts, identify how they distort reality, and counter them with more rational ideas.
A good book for on the subject is called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by a cognitive psychologist named Burns. Don't get thrown off by the cheesy cover- This book saved my life!

RATTY48 · 03-23-2005, 11:20 AM

I Have Lost Over 100 Pts To Aids. I Am 50 Years Old And Sometimes At Night I Reach Over To Hold My Wife And I Am In Absoulute Fear That She Will Die And I'll Be Left Alone.a Few Times I Have Found Out That She Has Left The Bed To Use The Br Or Something And Iawake In A Panic. She Is In Great Health. I Guess I Just Want To Be The First And Not The Last. Because We Love Each Other So Much. I Have Come To Terms With The Problem And Ralize That She Isn't Ogoing To Die Like That So When The Panic Comes I Cope.prayer Helps Also.