Whats the right thing to say??? - Grief & Loss Message Board

karenrs2002 · 02-13-2005, 11:33 PM

My cousin and his wife just lost thier baby son(8 months old) hes been very sick since he was born he had cardiac defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), and a muscular disorder, Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) at birth. He is apparently the only documented case of a person having both conditions simultaneously.He was doing well enough he came home just around xmas and was doing good but this morning at 2 am his mom wake him to feed him and he ate and was looking around acted fine but at 4 am she went back to check on him and couldnt wake him up. My ? is whats the right thing to say to some1 that has been through so much. I want to comfort them and not sound cold by saying something wrong,i know ive heard alot of ppl say they hate it when ppl say time will make it better and things like that
so whats the right thing to say to them?thanks karen

Angel77 · 02-14-2005, 01:11 AM

Hi Karen....what a sweet gesture to check out how to help before sticking your foot in your mouth! LOL Too many of us forget or get too nervous.

IMO, the best things would be: "I don't know what you're experiencing and I want you to know that if I don't bring up the baby, it's not because I don't care, but I don't want to cause any more pain than you're already going through. I am more than willing to lend and ear or shoulder any time you would like to talk about it....please feel free to tell me what I can do to help, as I don't have a clue what you really need."

This will let her know you care and are willing, but clueless like many of us. But, DO NOT offer anything you can't or aren't willing to give....for instance, don't say, "call me any time, even in the middle of the night," if you don't truly mean it. By the time someone gets the nerve to ask you something, they have already tried a dozen other times and the worst thing that can be done is to not follow through with it. You're better off saying what you're capable of doing....not offering what sounds right and then praying that they never ask.

Be aware, that many times when they need you the most is when you figure it's just about time that they get on with their lives....afterall, you have...this is when the shock is wearing off, people that were there are trailing off and the grief is full force.

Ask her if there's anything she'd like you to do that would help her keep from losing it...i.e. If there's something she'd like to do to memorialize her son, but doesn't have the power or will to do it because it's too painful....like, take a lock of hair, foot prints or hand prints, etc. These may not be things she's even willing to think of right now, because it's just proof that her baby's gone. She may also feel guilty because at times she thought things like, it would be easier if he wasn't here....of course they never mean it!!! But, just the fact that you as a person think that it's just soooo hard to deal with such a sick child, that no child would be better at all (we've all done it in some way, shape or form) that somehow she caused him to die....you'd be surprised at what ways we can find to blame ourselves for losing a loved one....especially when it's your child.

Please, if possible, and if she's not ready, talk to the funeral director and have him cut a lock of the baby's hair, maybe make impressions in those clay framables or just prints, save his first outfit, things like that.

I don't know, but if by chance she grieves so badly that she reacts with anger or denial and wants to get rid of everything, gently tell her, "I know you're hurting more than anyone ever should, but I don't want you to do something you'll regret later. If you'll allow me to, I'll take "Johnnie's" things and tuck them away safely for you, where they won't be seen every day...and when you're ready to make the decision, just let me know.

Also, should she (sorry, both parents, just tend to refer to the moms...woops) call on you and a truly impossible time, say, "I know you need me right now, but I have to get.....done and I want to be able to give you my full attention, you need and deserve it. So, let me wrap this up and then I'm yours."

I hope this helps some. I wish there was something I could do in real life. But, I will check back shortly and if you have any questions....I'll try to help....but I guarantee with all the great people here, someone's going to have the answer for you.

Loves and hugs....Angel

annelizly · 02-14-2005, 01:54 PM

I lost my first child at 14 months to sids. I remember everyone looking at me like they
to say something and yet didn't know what to say. honestly there really isn't a great thing to say because the one grieving just isn't in the mood to hear anything. but believe me the worst is "i can imagine what your going through" or "my dog died so i know what your going through" I would say the best thing is to go up to that person and tell them very sincerely that if they ever want to talk or not talk just give me a call. and then be there for them when they do. I found that i wanted and needed to talk about my daughter but no one wanted to hear, cause they didn't know how to respond. the thing is they didn't have to respond. all they had to do was just listen. a hug or a pat or a squeezed hand worked wonders. just a person who was on my side and wasn't going to judge me or tell me to get over it , someone who would listen while i spouted crazy things and didn't tell me to get on prozac was a blessing.

Lanew · 02-16-2005, 10:45 PM

I think not saying anything is some times better, just you being there and listening is what they need most. when I lose my son there was noting anyone could say that made it any easier, Praying for them is a good thing.
My paryers are with them today and they are with you as you comfront them. God Bless You.

Pat_S · 02-27-2005, 07:12 AM

That's the toughest thing in the world, to know just what to say. I think just a simple, "I"m so sorry" is OK. Let the parents take the lead if they really want to talk about the baby, show photographs, etc. That baby will always be a part of their lives and family history.

From personal experience (loss of a parent), nobody really wants to hear, "He/She is in a better place," or "It was God's Will," or "read this book". The last thing you want is to hear these "pat" expressions, and who really thinks that a reading a book can bring a person out of the depths of grief?

BTW- The flip side of this - When my niece was born with Spina Bifida, instead of getting "Congratulations on the New Baby" cards, my sister and brother-in-law got *Sympathy* cards! Don't do that, either! When she was born, several well meaning people actually verbalized that it might be better if she didn't live.

My niece is now 10 years old, and a distant relative sent them a Christmas card with a note, "My thoughts and prayers are with you." My sister asked, "What's that supposed to mean???" :-(