valleygurl

Hi everyone, I come to this board often to read each and every comforting word that all of you here so often give to those who are grieving. I have finally decided to share with you all and to seek out your opinions if what i am feeling is "normal". I will try not to write a book.

I lost my Sister in Law last August. We were so very close, we referred to each other as sisters. She had been struggling for a long time with some mental issues and a drug addiction. I was always there for her UNCONDITIONALLY. I was right by her side for all her pregnancies and the birth of her children. She had just given birth to her 3rd child just 3 short months before she died. Her other 2 children were 7 and 4. She had gotten herself into a bad relationship with her boyfriend, he is the father of her 3rd child. During the last part of her pregnancy their relationship had taken a turn for the worse when he decided to start cheating on her. From all the stress of the relationship she delivered her baby 6 weeks premature. We all had hoped once the baby was born that their relationship would get better but instead it turned very volatile. They even went to a counselor in hopes to be able to repair the damage. However, the counselor told them that their relationship was poison and it would never work and that for her sake and the children she would be safer to end it and get away from this man.

I had tried to talk to her about it but she was such a strong willed person. I told her the same thing the counselor did, however i also told her that whatever she decided to do i would support her. I just wanted her to be happy.

August 16,2004 i awoke early because i was expecting her to drop her children off with me at 7:00 am before she went to work. Instead i recieved a phone call from her BF sister telling me that i needed to come to my SIL's home right away. She proceeded to tell me that my sweet sister was dead, that she had comitted suicide "sometime" in the night by hanging herself in the shower! I immediately asked where the children were, she told me they were there. I immediately was suspicious because my sister would NEVER do something like that with her children in the home. Needless to say, without getting into every little detail, her death is suspicious. It is not clear for sure if she did indeed commit suicide or if she was murdered and then placed in the shower. Should it be ruled murder the only suspect is the boyfrien as other than the children he was the only other person who was their at the time.

I miss her so much and i grieve for her every single day. I am a mother to 5 children of my own with my youngest being 8 1/2 and severely handicapped. I also take care of a nephew. So my plate was already overflowing before my sister's death. When she died i recieved custody of her 4 and 7 year old. These children had issues (because of there life style) before my sister died, and of course they still do as you can imagine.

So this is what i am struggling with and i wanted all of your input because i want to know if i am "normal" for feeling the way that i do. I miss my sister so much and i love her. But even though i am grieving for her i am so da** mad at her for leaving me, her children, and her family. I am mad at her for me having to raise her children when i already had my hands full and also because these sweet little babies have to grow up without their mother. I am mad at her because i feel that she has been very SELFISH!!!! Regardless whether she actually comitted suicide or if her boyfriend is responsible, i am mad at her for putting herself and choosing to stay in that bad situation when SHE KNEW it was poison for her and her children. I always say that one day when we meet again i am going to tell her about it!!!!!!

So my question is, even though i love her so much and i miss her deeply, is there something wrong with me for being so mad at her? Is what i am feeling normal? I hope that someone here can give me some insight.

Thank you all for listening. ValeyGurl