Too much anger! - Grief & Loss Message Board

mdsum1 · 04-20-2005, 06:00 PM

It will be eight months tonight that I lost my Dad from colon cancer. It all happened so fast. We learned he had cancer on 4/19 and he had major surgery to remove his large bowel, prostrate and rectum on 5/6. The recovery took quite a while but then we found out that the cancer had spread to his lung and was inoperable. In July they told him that he would live probably another 20 months with chemo/radiation. This was hard enough but we were willing to take it one day at a time and enjoy whatever days we could. Unfortunatly Dad developed a plueral effusion and they would only drain it once. This lead to his death on 8/20/04. So much for the 20 months. For some reason (spite I guess) my stepmother refuses to put a memorial stone on his grave. She has also refused to pick one out and let others pay for it or allow someone else to pick it out and have it placed. To me this shows very little respect for my Dad. I have decided that I probably can't force her to place a marker and the plot is not mine so I am thinking of finding another way to provide my Dad a memorial. Has anyone got any ideas what I could do? This may seem simple but this has caused me a lot of grief and I feel like if I can somehow have a memorial to my Dad that maybe I can continue with my grieving and get past this. Right now it just seems to be being delayed by all of my anger.

last1 · 04-20-2005, 07:51 PM

This has to be the worst time of your life. Conflicts with your step-mom, while irrational are also so understandable. She probably doesn't want to "mark" his grave becuase it adds some finality to his death which she may not be willing to deal with. How long has she been your step-mom? Has you relationship been good in the past because I would think that you Dad wouldn't want this rift between you and her.
But you want to go it alone, huh? Any siblings that you could share this burden with?
Here are some thoughts - things I have worked through with others, and some things I've just heard about:
1) One person I know decided to have a party (not a drunken brawl) but a quiet and dignified party where everyone brought a gift to share. It was a kind of Memorial Service. This person had enough helium filled balloons for everyone there and, after she spoke about her dad, she allowed everyone to take a balloon and on a special piece of paper they were to write down what they liked about him or what ****ed them off about him. And, then together as a group, the set the balloons free to drift up to heaven.
2) Depending upon what your father's interested were and the size of his group of friends, many people have organized special events in his name and honor. You may want to contact your local chapter of the American Cancer SOciety?
3) You could volunteer to work for the AMerican Cancer Society in his name and counsel other people who are losing a parent. Hospice is also an organization that could provide some assistance.
4) you also could discuss these issues again with your step-mom and see how to include her. Being a step-dad and a dad, I know that the step-parent relationship is unique and fraught with pot holes. Just go gingerly and lovingly through that mine field.
5) Finally, know that you are in a unique position in which to do some real good. Carry on your father's interests...and never let him out of your heart. chris

Unicorn430 · 04-21-2005, 11:22 PM

Some great ideas here... except for the helium balloons. (They may end up harming animals who accidently try to eat them, get caught in the strings, etc.) Some similar ideas might be blowing bubbles, letting the letters drift away on a river, etc.

mdsum1 · 04-22-2005, 08:11 AM

Thanks, you have given me some good ideas. I'll talk it over with my brother & sister and see what they want to do.

last1 · 04-22-2005, 07:22 PM

try to include your step-mom in the planning...at least let her know what you're thinking. It may be just what she needs. I thought about the helium balloons and, since we live on the west coast of Florida, new it would be a bad idea. I guess I was just hoping the message was from someone in Nebraska. chris