denial? - Grief & Loss Message Board

subway13 · 05-26-2005, 10:00 AM

My best friends little sister died in a car wreck 6 months ago. My friend is determined that the body at the funeral wasn't her sister's and that there was a mix up by the doctors. She thinks her sister is ok and got sent home with a different familiy. Do I try to convince her otherwise? Shouldn't she be past denial? it's been almost 7 months. She's going to therapy and it sounds like her therapist is trying to get her to accept the fact. She keeps asking me if her little sister is really dead. What do I say to her??? If a say yes she gets mad and doesn't talk to me and asks why she is the only one with hope. WHAT DO I DO!?

mmdavm · 05-26-2005, 10:49 AM

It has ben 7 months since my daughter has been gone and no she shouldn't be past anything. Grief is hard and a long process. She is in deep shock. She hasn't accepted her sister as she was at the funeral because it's like a different person lying there. My daughter was an newborn baby and she didn't look like the baby in the hospital but for me i had to acept that that was her. My boyfriend was in shock that it even happened to us. Grief hits us all very different . Sorry but until it happens to you it is hard to understand why "we" feel the way we do and why aren't we over it yet. I have hard times but not to many good times. So just try give her some grieving books and you can't help her and try to say something to make her understand that was her sister and that she was gone away it is her mind telling her other wise.

Ruth6:11 · 06-11-2005, 12:19 PM

Denial is a stage that can last awhile - especially in a death that was unexpected. I am sure that the family of those killed at the World Trade Towers reacted the same way.

If she is asking you the same question over and over again it is because she needs to hear the same answer over and over again until she can safely emotionally allow it to sink all the way in.

I would reply as compassionately each time she asks as if it was the first time.
"I am so sorry Ellie, your sister was in a really bad accident and she didn't survive. They did every thing they could and now all we can do is remember all the wonderful things about her."

If she is a person of faith you can remind her that the important parts of her sister (her personality, her soul, who she was inside) is still here.

aelisemc · 06-11-2005, 10:21 PM

My Sister Was Killed In A Car Accident When I Was 16 Years Old And I "looked" For Her For A Long Time Afterward. I To Was Sure That There Had Been A Mistake And That She Was Somewhere "out There" Just Waiting To Come Home. Your Friend Is Asking You The Same Questions Over And Over Because She Needs To Know That You Care Enough To Listen To Her And Yes She Does Need To Hear The Same Answer Over And Over Again. When You Lose Someone Unexpectedly You Have Not Gotten That Chance To Say Goodbye To Them It Is Even Harder Than Losing Someone Through An Disease/illness (i Know, My 17 Year Old Son Died 28 Days Ago From An Disease That He Was Diagnosed With 5 Years Ago) Your Friend Needs Your Shoulder To Cry On Right Now. Right Now Everything Is A New "milestone" To Get Past.. The First Month, The First Christmas,etc. Just Be There For Her, And Believe Me In The End You Will Be Glad That You Did.