I need some help badly: - Grief & Loss Message Board

MarkTS · 06-19-2005, 05:59 PM

I just got home with my nephew and have been browsing this forum building the courage to post now that my nephew has fallen asleep. Just five hours ago I went with my family to fathers day dinner and afterwards I went home on my own because I had to work that night. My mother, father, brother, brothers wife and nephew were going out together to a party at a friends house. Well a police officer showed up at my work and asked me to sit down in my office and asked me if my father own this car. At that point I was told what happened and the officer took me to pickup my nephew and identify the bodies. My mother is in the hospital in stable condition and they say she will make it through. My father, brother and his wife didn't make it. I'm single and 24 years old and I know I have to take in my nephew but I don't know if I have the courage and strength for it. How could this happen on fathers day to two fathers. I feel guilty because I'm not with my mother but I can't leave my newphew Chris alone either.

This is the worst day of my life and my mother can't afford to take little Chris but I can't give him to the state but I fear the state will take him away because I might endup unfit because of my own loss of both my father and brother. I haven't even had a chance to process that my dad is dead.

I just can't answer Chris everytime he asks me when his mom and dad will pick him up. Even when I tell him they are gone and dead he doesn't believe me and he just went to sleep like he was spending the night. He just won't accept it and I can't imagine how he will react when the fact settles in that his parents aren't coming back and won't be picking him up.

I still don't know what happened and when the police took us home they said that DCF would be coming to my place tommorrow morning to interview Chris and I and go over what forms of help and treatment are available and what they recommand doing based on their evaluation.

I'm just so scared right now because I can't allow Chris to not have me there for him when he needs me. He is only 7 years old and he has always been close to me always wanting to sleepover and go mini golfing with me and such. I know he will want me there and I can't stand the thought of me not being there for him when he needs me the most while always being there for him when he least needed me.

How could they throw him onto me without any warning not knowing what condition he would be in not knowing what he would say or want from me. I love him to death and would always take me in but how could they just picking me up by the police and say almost all my family is dead on fathers day and say oh you need to take your nephew home tonight. How the hell can they ****ing do this.

Blastoff9600 · 06-19-2005, 07:04 PM

I dont reply to many post nowadays but yours touched me simply because I could be in your shoes at least to some extent. My brother and I have arranged with each that if anything happens we want each to raise our children just so happens my brotehr is being deployed later this year and I will have my nephew along with my own two sons for 6 months(4 of those months my own husband will be deployed). I know during that time I will be scared to death anytime the phone rings or someone knocks on my door but its something I want and have to do so it makes it easier for me~ its a choice. Your case it isnt a choice and I do agree it isnt fair in the least and my heart goes out to you.
What you can do right now while your nephew is asleep cry rant and rave all you want. Do what feels right to you screaming into a pillow might help. In the morning when the DCF person shows up make sure to find out what support groups you yourself can go to.
Believe it or not you can do this simply because you love your nephew and he needs that so much right now. It may not seem like it now because everything is hitting you fast and furious and things will keep coming at you for a few weeks but once things settle you can see that you can do this. Just make sure to follow through on the offers ot support.

MarkTS · 06-19-2005, 07:46 PM

Thanks. Its just very hard for me because being a few years out of college you just never plan or expect all the sudden to have something like this happen. Your whole life of school and learning just can't prepare you for something like this. I feel like I'm a little 9 year old kid not understanding much of the world at all.

I know I'll need support for both of us for as long as it takes. One thing that can keep me going is my deep respect for my brother when I was sick as a kid. He was the one person who could always get me to laugh and feel better. That alone would drive me to fight for his memory alone.

What was so shocking for me was that I never even thought that my family was involved when the police officer showed up. Now I had no idea why the cop was asking to talk with me but my family was last on that list that was for sure.

I do feel for you and your family and hope that you never get a phonecall or doorbell ring because my guess it that expecting the call might be worse if you got it than having it sprung all at once. Beyond that I think a loss is just as hard regardless of how you hear about it.

I'm just so wired right now with millions of thoughts going around in my head and I feel like I'll never sleep again. I've gone through in my mind so far about 5 ways of how I'm going to screw everything up and even though I try to block them out I just can't do it. My problem is now that I'm so stressed that I have to force myself to calm down or I could make myself very sick. I just can't have my blood pressure going nuts. I'm scared of just being by myself not being able to get myself help if I need it. This was exactly why I stayed single because its not good for me to have constant stress in my life.

At least for now I don't feel that bad considering.

What is pretty good about the web is that I can actually say what I'm thinking and feeling but would never at least not now have the courage to say to another person. I guess my goal for the next few days is to stay healthy and keep my sanity. I'm hoping that the DCF person can help me break the news to Chris. I think tommorrow morning will be one very hard day for both Chris and myself.

aelisemc · 06-19-2005, 08:05 PM

My heart goes out to you. You need to take things one hour at a time right now. Do you have any other family you could call Aunts, Uncles, cousins? what about friends that might be able to come and be with you? you might not think that you can do this, but you can. Chris needs you now more than anything else, he needs you to love him and just be there for him. In the morning, you need to ask for counseling for yourself and for Chris. Your mom may not be able to financially help you but just having her in you and Chris' lifes right now is going to be important. Chris is so young that he might not grasp what you have told him about his parents and your father, that and he may be in shock, he was in the accident with them so it is hard to say what he did or did not see. The next few days will be like you are living in a dream world, but you can make it through this.. believe it or not God does not give us more than we can bear... take one step at a time, just keep reminding Chris that you will be there for him.. dont think that you can not do this, you can, chris needs you right now, but you also need him.. you will find a way to make it work. my prayers are with you, your mom and chris.

Ann

Blastoff9600 · 06-19-2005, 09:02 PM

Its understandable that you didnt think it was your family many people would be that way because it is so hard to loss those close to us that we dont normally think of it.

I wouldnt stress over what you might screw up believe it or not every parent has those thoughts when expecting their first child or holding their first child in their arms. It is one of the scariest but most wonderful things one can experience strange way to put it I know. There are still times that I look at my sons and wonder if Im doing things right or not. So like I said I wouldnt stress over what you may screw up on. As my g-ma says dont go borrowing trouble when your plate is already full. Like the other poster said go minute by minute to hour by hour to day by day and eventually you will get through this.
The internet is truly wonderful when it comes to spilling your deepest fears thoughts out because you dont have to worry about the faces on the other side.
There are also many helpful people on this board.