cryingskies

I lost my best friend a year and 8 months ago...tomorrow...It's been the hardest time of my life. I dont know what to do without him you know. Its like half of me is gone, its like I can't be truly happy anymore you know. I've only visited his grave two times....once on his birthday, he would have turned 21 and then once on the day he died sept 20th....and his b-day is approaching again very quickly....august 5th...and i will have to go up there again. I feel terrible because I never go up there and I know that him and I were never apart not even for one day, and I mean i should go lay flowers up there every single day, but I can't. I havent even cried over his death, not even once... I mean a few tears streamed my face when the cops came and told me he was dead but then ive just locked it all away inside. He called me sept 19th and asked me to come up to his place, he moved about 45 mins away and moved in with my ex boyfriend, but we were all still friends, and his ex was going up with me, and we got really drunk and did probably one too many drugs and my best friend and his ex got in a fight and she was trying to leave, she was my ride tho, and i was trying to stop her when my best friend jumped on the hood of her brand new car and she jumped out and pushed him down i grabbed her and told her to walk across the st. with me to calm down and she said get my keys and i said "Your car is NOT going anywhere" and it did. My best friend jumped in, and locked the doors we couldnt get to him and he took off. D, his ex called the cops and reported her car stolen because she was so mad since it was her brand new car, her first payment hadnt even been made yet. at 4 am the cops came to the door and told us that he was dead....god I dont know, that nite is still like just one big terrible nitemare to me. i just want to wake up from it and see andy standing right here beisde me. I miss him so much and its so not fair. I mean over the past 3 years ive lost so many friends....andy my best friend..drinking and driving...randy a friend ive had since i was 7...overdosed on methadone and vodka and was found dead n his bed....brandon...was killed fighting in iraq, he was an ex boyfriend that i stayed close with....jenny...her sister found her dead on the couch, she had a heartattck...and john....drinking and drivinng..he survived the crash, after being ejected and he got up and started walking, and he hit the side of a bridge and fell over it 50 ft to the road below...he lived for a week and his family decided to pull the plug and let him go....a big group of us had drove to baltimore to see him that day because it was his birthday, and so he was born and died on his birthday....it was horrible....and not to even mention, that ive lost tons of family members in between my friends, but my family members were older you know, and although it hurt bad, when i lost my family, i could rest okay knowing they were older and had gotten to live out most of their lives....but all my friends were just kids.... i mean there was only one of them that was over 23....john turned 23 the day he died, and jenny was 35....but all the rest were 20...and its just too young...and it was so sudden i can't get over it........please can u help me out? I need some something i dont even know what i just need help

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peace and love
Chrissy