Desperate!!! When do you stop placing blame when you lose a parent. - Grief & Loss Message Board

Diva10 · 07-13-2005, 11:48 PM

I have read the post here and realize I am not alone and my heart goes out to everyone here and if anyone reads this one then maybe some can help me with this problem.
My father died 5 months ago from liver cancer, just 3 months after he was dignoised.
My problem was that I never accepted the fact that he was sick or that there was nothing that could be done to help him and if you can prepare yourself for losing a parent or even come to terms with it, I never did.
So when he died suddenly I thought my world ended, thanks to my children I was able to keep going.
But from the moment he passed, I placed blame on anything and everyone. I like to think that I have gotton over that but the anger at my family members is still there at times for not feeling the same as me like the selfishness of wanting him to still be here and not really thinking of the illness.
Now I am not saying I would perfer him to be here suffering,

but you see that is where the anger is, at I guess GOD for letting it all happen.

I am or was strong in my faith but to be honest I have not prayed since my father died, and when out of habbit I start to pray then I get angry and make myself stop, the thought of whyed he let it happen and if prayers really helped then,

I again would like to think that this is a phase of losing someoneand that I would get over this anger, but I am not, not even a little.

I hate how i am and from the bottom of my heart dont want to feel the way that I do but just dont know how to get over this and cant even pray for help with it.

Does anyone else feel like this, does any one have any suggestions

Desperate
Diva

kitkat77 · 07-14-2005, 12:58 AM

You can't really be angry with God because you don't know WHY it all happened. We are all put on this earth for a reason that we don't truly know and we're all going to leave under the same circumstances.

Perhaps your father accomplished what he was put on this earth to do, or maybe he WASN'T doing what he was supposed to be doing. Perhaps his body gave out due to lifestyle behaviors, or maybe a bargain was made before he came down here in the first place. We could have all chosen our own death dates for all we know! Death is certain and that is all we know to be truth. We won't find out any answers until we pass on ourselves, and it was meant to be this way for a reason.

Instead of being angry with God (who I'm sure had a good reason for taking your dad - meaning I doubt it was a random "hit"), take comfort in the fact that your father has gained the knowledge we have all been seeking since day one. His spirit is free now - only his "shell" has died.

I lost my father 11 years ago, my mother 3 years ago, and I'm only 38. I thank God in my prayers for letting me have them for as long as I did! My 10 year old son's father died suddenly 3 months ago - for HIM I feel badly.

Perhaps within this sad situation there is a lesson that YOU are supposed to learn in this lifetime. Try to focus your energies on that instead.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process - it will pass in time. I wish you well.

Diva10 · 07-14-2005, 08:49 AM

Hey Kitkat, thanks for the post, I will start by saying I am sorry for you and especialy your son, that is such a tender age to lose someone.

Your right with everything you have said and I am thankful for the 32 years I did have with my Dad, I know I should not place the blame that I have but my point was is that I cant help it,

At any other time to anyone else I would think and have said and thought excatly what you wrote, but far my Dad, he was never sick, he was a good man, never did anything to hurt anyone, his love was for his family especialy me, my siblings and our children,

But you are right it was not randam, my father was a beer drinker was many many years, and he did died from liver cancer, maybe my anger is at him even sometimes but I cant feel that way or wont let my self feel that way, I just dont want to be mad at him.

And therefore the anger has to placed somewhere, My delimea, there should be no anger, well that I also know, just dont know how to move on from that and get over it. Dont know how to make the anger go away!!

Diva10

emaline · 07-14-2005, 09:06 AM

I really feel for your grief.... I am 32 and i loss my mother when i was 6 weeks old...she was 26. I never knew her , so in a way my loss is incomparable to yours. However the bond between our parents is unconditionally deep. There is not a day that i do not think about her.....that i smile for her...that i cry for her.....I have often blame myself as her death was due to childbirth complications

but what keeps me strong is she found comfort in pain...she is at rest and she left a wonderful gift of life, whom is me.

6 months ago a very dear friend decided it was time to leave this madness we call life...he was also 26 but took the decision of death into his own hands, which some said was selfish in comparision to those who have no choice. This incident did make me revisit my grief once more for my mother at the same time as grieving for my friend.
Once again came guilt...why was i not there for him?....but when life decides it is time , it is

Cry when you need to, smile without guilt, embrace their spirit when you need...call out their name when you feel alone...Grief will never leave you ever....but you should address it...dont be scared of it...dont hide it because there will be people around who can relate....

Take care and please find strength amongst your tearsx

bluelakelady · 07-14-2005, 11:01 AM

hi diva,
i don't often come here. yesterday i read your thread. today here it was again. today i would not walk away from your need.
anger is part of the process we call healing. you will feel anger at your dad. it just is part of it. you will find others to be angry at to avoid this emotion you do not want to feel. relax my friend. you will find your way in time. we all do.
for myself i has been 29 years since my daddy died and 1 year since my birth dad died. anger is no longer a part of my healing. i did that 29 years ago and it only messed me up more. i did not understand then it was normal to wrap my fear and pain in a cloak of anger. i do now. my birth dad had emphazema. he did not quit smoking until he was in the hospital most of the last year of his life. i could have gotten mad at him for not quitting when he had the choice. i chose instead to respect his right to live and die as he chose. at the end he was mad enough at himself for everyone. he knew he had chosen his lifestyle and he knew what it was costing him. being mad at him seemed pointless. instead i focused on healing his family. i was the speaker at his memorial sevice.
that is how i choose to honor his life. by loving and healing when and where i can. that honors the man who helped make me.
i carry within me all the words of both my fathers. within me they live on.
peace,
bluelakelady