lost both parents...3 wks apart.. - Grief & Loss Message Board

sharon159 · 07-25-2005, 04:43 PM

I lost both my parents 3 wks apart 3 yrs ago. I still have guilt over not being there with my mom at the end. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in May-01, and she died Dec 5 01. I live in another state, by the time I got the call she was going down hill fast, I got there the next day and she died during the night. I was so hoping that she would have waited for me to be with her before she passed away. In the meantime, my dad was in another hospital with triple bypass, so I went to be by his side immediately. He seemed to be getting stronger for a about aweek, than he just couldn't fight anymore, he died Dec 31, 01. I still think about her often and feel so much guilt for not being with her. I have to say it does seem to get better as time goes on, that's what people tell me also. I truly miss them both....

Johnsternow · 07-25-2005, 05:51 PM

Sharon,

I am sorry to here about your loss. I too experienced the loss of both parents within the same time last year. Mine both lasted a few months apart though. Listen dear. It isn’t your fault that you weren’t here for your mom. She would not want you to feel guilt, would she? I was there for my mom and dad. I wish I hadn’t seen what I did with my dad. I am strong about it now but I know he was not happy about us seeing him like that. Sweetie there is a reason for everything and if it was meant for you to be there she would have gone sooner when she seen you last. We don’t pick our time. I personally find comfort in the pride of knowing my parents and others who have passed on, how they gifted my life and made it more special at times. I believe in God and he gave me them as gifts for a time. I also believe one day I will see them again.

I pray you find peace thru these difficult times.

Sincerely
John

dragonsbeauty · 07-26-2005, 11:12 PM

I too am sorry for your losses. I know how it feels to lose and regret. Last year I lost my grandmother who was diagnosed with lung cancer after she went in for back surgery. She lasted 3 months, and died on may 31, meanwhile, my dad, was suffering from the same thing. He passed away last year sept 02. It was very hard for me, as well as my mom. I regret not spending time with my dad. I moved out of the house when I was really young. And I suppose and thought that they would have lasted forever. That my dad cant die. But he did. I regret not being able to stay with my grandmother by her side when she was dying. She didnt want me too leave her side. And it mead me really sad that I didnt get to do that. My deepest sympathay for you. Dont let it get to you too much. Or so they tell me. I know that they are there watching over me. I know and at least hope they wont let anything bad happen to me. And I also know that when I die, I will see them again. I miss them dearly. But as time passes, you too, will heal.

Regards,
Leslie

MarkTS · 08-03-2005, 01:55 AM

I'm also very sorry about your loss and I know deep down that your mother knew you would be by her side if you could. I also feel guilty that I haven't told both my brother and father how much they have meant to me over the years. I lost my brother, father and my brothers wife on fathers day of all days. That has made my guilt worse because I should have said all of these things to my father just because it was fathers day. I feel I had no excuse for not saying them when I was with him for two hours before he died eating dinner and talking about pretty much crap.

I know its hard to accept this because it was for me but your mother woudn't want you feeling this guilt. Feeling this way isn't wrong but normal and again you will understand this in time.

I've had time to think about this and IMO I think its worse to have a loved-one die on very bad terms (like always having a fight and/or resentment). As much as I feel guilty about what I talked about with my dad on fathers day at least I know that in the end we had a strong bond and had fun as often as we could.