hoiz

I'm grieving for the lose of a best friend who died yesterday.I still feel in a state of shock and have been unable to cry.However, as i write this i can feel the tears slowly welling and the memories playing fast through my mind.
I thought my depression was slowly slipping away with the help of my fantastic meds to hide the pain.But then the next step of life hits you hard in the face, and you wonder how much more you can really be subjected to.
Last night i was told that my dear friend died early in the morning.I feel so numb and shocked.At first i questioned if this horryfying news was some sort of sick and twisted joke.Naturally i did not want to believe this harrowing death of such a family friend who I have known for several years.I introduced him to my best friend, who he had a loving and stable relationship with for 2 years.He was my saviour in times of need.He was a caring individual who looked out for others, despite his own personal problems.I remember at a dear family friends funeral over a year ago, he sat beside me and whispered caring words to help me through the horrible service.I was a state and he was my rock.He was also my mums younger boyfriends, best mate.Naturally the family is devasted, but i feel selfish for not being able to cry.I'm not close to my family especially not my mum, and she is looking towards me for support, which i just cant give.I hate my mum for reasons in the past, and show no affection towards the family, but that is just how i am.I cant bring myself to hug her.
When i was told the horrible news last night, i cycled to my best mates house just down the road, wondering if she had been told yet, and felt utterly numb when in her arms.She is handling his unexpected sudden death, with such bravery and maturity, i admire her.She believes what happens is for a reason, and believes he was destined to pass away and be in a better place, so soon.He was only 23.So young.So much talent.But its all gone.
I feel lost.Just not knowing what went wrong.Why he died.We will find out later this week, the cause for his collapse and death, but in some ways im not sure i want to know.Ignorance is bliss.
I feel this is just another relapse contributing to my depression, and im scared of how i will react, if my depression will return with avengence.The depression still lingers, but i have been alot better recently with the treatment helping so much.I spose i just needed to talk right now.I dont know what more to say.