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Old 08-04-2005, 09:58 AM   #1
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I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

My 17 year old son Zachary passed away on May 14th from complications from a very rare neurological disease that he was diagnosed with in 2000. His 18th birthday would have been July 17th, my husband and i released 18 balloons with notes attached saying what they were for.. we received one back from about 40 miles away, it had landed on a high school football field. It is so hard trying to adjust to life without my precious little boy, i took care of him 24/7 with only my husband's help. It seems like most everyone else has gone back to their normal lives, and all i want to do is cry, i miss him so much.. on top of that i need to go back to work, not having worked since the spring of 2001 is going to make it difficult, unless there is a very understanding person out there, that will take into consideration my situation.
everyday, i wake up and hope that it is just a bad dream, but it isnt, it is real.. i but on a front for my husband, kids and everyone else, but inside, it is tearing me apart. my 20 year old son has developmental disablities as well as other problems, and i worry about him alot. my 21 year old son and 16 year old daughter seem to be adjusting. but i know what they are doing, they are also bottling it up inside (when i was 16, my older sister died in a car acccident) and they have friends to talk to, our 20 year old doesnt have a lot of outside of our house activities to take his mind off of it. i try to do as much with him as possible.. sometimes it seems to help.. sorry that i have been rambling on, i guess i just dont know how to handle my feelings.. i dont want to be a bother to others, so i try not to say a whole lot to anyone.. it is hard to talk to people who have not been through this.. losing a child is so much different than losing a parent or sibling... it is like i should have been able to save him and i couldnt do anything to help him and now i have so much guilt over what he had to go through with this disease and it wasnt something that i did to him, except that i gave birth to him and must have somehow past it on to him..
ANY WORDS OF ADVICE FOR A VERY UPSET MOM??? some will say therapy, well our insurance wont cover it, and i have a lot of problems talking to strangers anyway..

THANKS FOR LISTENING
ANN

 
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Old 08-05-2005, 09:41 PM   #2
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

I am so sorry for your loss. I know a bit about how you are feeling. when I was 22 my husband and I lost our first child(daughter) to SIDS. She was 14 months old. We believed that she was too old for SIDS, so it was totally unexpected. She was walking and communicating and her life had already intertwined with ours completely. Either way, we didn't have much money and none of my friends or relatives could relate. I felt very alone. I didn't have anyone to turn to and we didn't have internet and home computers then. In our small town there weren't any group therapy sessions, so I just sort of lived through it and came out the other side all by myself. Even though it isn't rational, I'v never been able to shake the guilt. I think its because we just "know" that as a parent, it is our JOB to protect our children, so if one of them dies, we automatically feel as though we failed in our job. If therapy isn't an option financially, I guess I would just suggest that you allow yourself time to grieve and then, when you've cried all the tears you can squeeze out, when you've thought all the horrid thoughts you need, when you've beaten yourself up dozens of times for being human, you need to make a concious decision to one day just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start to live like a normal person, even if its just for show. eventually, day after day, you will start to have a "real" life. It just happens, day by day, and you have other children to be an incentive to get back in the game. one thing that helped me.... I visualized my daughter in heaven, and she was given an opportunity to look down at her mommy and see me for just a little while and what she saw was a broken, crying, almost insane woman and I imagined how that would make her feel. I realized that I wanted to be a person who my daughter would be proud of if she ever could look down from heaven and see me. I didn't want HER to feel guilty that my life was ruined because of her death. I realized that nothing was going to bring her back or replace her, and that the only choice I really had was to decide to live or die. And I knew which choice would make my daughter sad and which would make her happy. Maybe its simplistic, but I was only 22 and it did work for me. I hope only the best for you and your family. My heart goes out to you. You are so right that the death of a child is worse than that of a parent or sibling. The death of a child is the only one that is unexpected and unnatural. I knew my whole life that I would someday bury my parents, I even knew that I may bury siblings, but I never imagined that I'd have to bury my child.

 
Old 08-06-2005, 07:50 AM   #3
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

Thank You So Much For The Post It Helps Knowing That There Are Other People Out There Who Have Gone Through Similar Situations And Have "made It" Through Them And Stayed Sane.. Sometimes I Wonder If I Will Believe Me.
Thanks!
Ann

 
Old 08-08-2005, 12:04 PM   #4
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

my dear ann, you are not alone. my 21 year old daughter died in a car accident 8 years ago. i don't remember the first year at all. since then i have just been existing, going through the motions. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with post traumatic stress brought on by my sweet daughter's death. since there is nothing to say to take away your pain i won't even try. what helped me was to put her death in a place in my heart and teach myself how to go on as a different person. you are never the same person after you bury your child. i have 2 other grown daughters and since i lost my only sister to suicide 3 years ago i feel i understand what they are going through. therapy(which took me 8 years to get into) has been a big help with the post traumatic stress. it is pricey. compassionate friends were at times my salvation even though i never went to a meeting they still send me their newsletter monthly which contains different articles and stories written by bereaved parents. reading them was a big help in making me feel not alone. you can tell by the way these parents write that they understand. even though others say they do, no one does unless they have felt it. i do ann, and i want you to know that i am here for you to pour your heart out to when you need it. your dear son is in peace and he would want you to find some for yourself in whatever way you can. be in touch, i care.
angela

 
Old 08-09-2005, 03:16 AM   #5
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

I am so sorry for each one that has lost a child, i dont have children and i am 42, i never planned to have them and i cant say that i know what its like to lose a child, i can only imagine the devestation, , i really dont have any advice
to give because i havent lost anyone that i love yet, but all i can say is to keep coming to the board here and express your self because i can see that people are compationate and understanding here. And you would get alot more help here mentally than you would at some doctor. god bless, kimber lee

 
Old 08-17-2005, 08:17 PM   #6
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

I am so so sorry. I have two friends who both lost their daughters to car accidents. I have watched the pain they have gone through. I have no children myself so I cannot say that I understand. The hardest loss for me was my mother-in-law last year at the age of 57. She was very sick for the last 3 months of her life. I did everything I could for her. I know you said that your insurance doesn't cover therapy but have you considered a group discussion at a local church or hospital. A lot of times those are free. You can go and listen to other people's stories and don't have to say a word. Sometimes it's nice to know that other people are going through the same thing you are. I know that one of my friends is a very strong Christian and she attended some group meetings within her church with other people who are going through the same thing. She had to drag her husband there but today they now have some very BEST OF FRIENDS from that group. The other day she commented on the fact that they were going out of town for the weekend with some friends from "grief group" and then she corrected herself to say "they weren't grief group friends anymore they were just friends." The one thing that I have learned from her as well is that the relationship of a mother to their child is different than the relationship from a sibling, friend whomever. Everyone affected by this will handle it differently.

Hang in there. It is true that it gets better with time. You should seriously think about meeting people who are going through the same thing. It helped me tremendously to talk with my girlfriend who lost her mom to help me deal with my husband.

Take care and lots of love and prayers are being sent your way!!

Stacia

Last edited by Stacia; 08-17-2005 at 08:25 PM.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 06:12 AM   #7
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

Most days i feel like i take 2 steps forward and 3 back..some days though i can go one step forward and stay there.. most of the time i avoid family and friends, but when i am around them i find it easier dealing with them as a group rather than dealing with them one on one. i find it rather awkward to talk to them most of the time. i am not sure that i am ready for a support group right now. Thanks for everything kindness.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-18-2005 at 08:08 PM.

 
Old 08-18-2005, 07:51 AM   #8
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

Hi Aelisemc,

I am truly sorry for your loss, I cant imagine the pain that you are dealing with. I saw that you do want help to deal with your pain, {removed} Hopefully this will help you get the support that you need. Take Care.

Last edited by Modinatrix21; 08-18-2005 at 08:56 AM. Reason: Read posting rules. No how tos for searches.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 01:24 PM   #9
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

I'm very, very sorry about the loss of your son.

You say you're not dealing with it very well. I don't think anyone should expect you to!! It was only a few months ago, and he was your son, your baby, and only 17. You went through the ordeal of taking care of him 24/7, then his death. That is months and months of undue stress on your mind and body. It's going to take a long time to get over this loss, and sometimes people don't really get over it. Why do people expect others to "snap out of it" when they've lost someone so precious?

You lost your sister when she was about the same age. This tragedy probably triggers memories from that previous one. Too much sadness for one person to deal with.

You need to take really good care of yourself, and don't be so hard on yourself. If you cry and sleep "too much", that's OK. Be nice to yourself, because you deserve it. You're still healing, and will be for a long, long time, and criticizing yourself won't help you heal. If you can afford a therapist, for you and your kids too, that might help a lot. Again, my deepest condolences.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 10:11 PM   #10
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Smile Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

I lost my 26 yr old son to suicide 12 years ago and it is a pain I will carry with me the rest of my life. The first two years after his death are a blur. My husband and I would run around like we were really had it together but we didn't. Grief takes a very heavy toll and our memories of that period are very blurred. We both felt that we were damaged goods because it does forever change you. I know that you can't believe it now but it does get better. All I can tell you is how we learned to deal with it and begin to live our lives once again.

First you have to grieve and talk about it. People don't want to upset you so they avoid talking about your dead child. Nothing could be worse. It is like they never existed and you are at a place where you want to cherish and remember every moment you had with them.

One thing I know that you can't do is ignore those feelings that rise so strongly. Your pain will lessen but it takes a very long time. The crying spells get further and further apart but then years afterward overwhelming grieve can rise up in you and you find yourself sobbing once again. That's alright and it is something that you should allow yourself to do as it can help to relieve all those pent up feelings.

I would go on for quite some time without feeling any sadness. Then those feelings that you eventually deny start to build up and there is only one thing to do. I go somewhere quiet by myself and indulge in all those sad thoughts once more. I don't even try to suppress them I wallow in them. I experience all the sadness and I grieve from the depths of my soul. By allowing myself to experience the depth of my sadness I experience a sense of relief and start to feel better.

I know your pain and it seems so insurmountable but somehow the struggle does get easier. Your grief is fresh. Don't expect too much of yourself and remember you have to go through this and there is really no easy way to do it. When you love your child the loss is overwhelming but time can help you grow stronger. All I can say is it will get better just don't deny yourself the very necessary act of grieving.

Big Hug,
Pooby (gal)
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Old 08-25-2005, 07:35 AM   #11
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

there are times when i think that i have it together and than i suddenly break down and cry uncontrollably. i know that our lives will never be the same again, we lost 1/6th of our family as well as a lot of the reason that we were staying together (I think) oh well, i figure that whatever happens between us now happens, i cant change things even if i want to. our grief for our son is overwhelming and it has taken total control over our lives for the most part. thank you everyone for your post i appreciate them very much

 
Old 08-25-2005, 03:28 PM   #12
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Smile Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

Something else that I want to touch on is how the loss of a child can affect your marriage. Everything bad about your relationship is magnified. Don't be mislead by the feelings of resentment, blame and hostility that can overcome the both of you. Anger is a very real part of grieving and you just want to strike out and blame someone and the someone closest to you is the spouse that is experiencing the same living hell. There is no one else that can experience your grief as a father who has suffered the loss of his son. Don't be mislead if he doesn't demonstrate it or somehow in your mind seems less hurt than you. It is a tragedy for him as well.

I don't even know of your circumstances but I will bet that there are things you feel he could have done better but now it is too late. Try to backoff and not say things that you will regret and regret them you will. A lot of marriages crumble after the loss of a child please don't let yours be one. After a time you can actually grow closer because of this common bond as tragic as it is.

My husband did the best thing he stop trying to comfort me and allowed me to acknowledge my grief. This was the best possible course for him to take. There is no comforting possible that will lessen the pain. Only the quiet time spent listening to my outpourings helped to lighten the load. Sorry if I have rambled on but I am just trying to give you some help by sharing some of my experiences.
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Old 08-26-2005, 02:05 PM   #13
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

hi everyone----today is the 8th anniversary of my daughter's death. pooby is right . i spent several years that i don't even remember. was diagnosed with PTSD 2 years ago and have started in the past 4 months to somewhat leave my body at times. i have been in therapy for about 3 months and it is a big help. still trying to know the triggers but there are so many. there are good days and bad and there always will be. there are no right and no wrong ways. it is whatever is best for each of us to put our children's deaths in a place in our hearts and learn how to live as a different person. we will always carry the pain. there is so much to say and yet nothing to say. my prayers are with all of you.

angel

 
Old 08-27-2005, 06:56 PM   #14
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

Some days seem easier than others and than i feel guilty thinking that if the day was easier than i must not be grieving for zach as much or something.. that probably doesnt make much sense.. it has been 15 weeks since zachary passed away, he passed away early on a saturday morning.. sometimes it seems like only yesterday and than other times it seems so long ago.. we all miss him so much, my heart physically hurts when i think of how much i miss him...tears stream down my face everytime i think of how much i want to hold him and tell him how much i love him just one more time.. i just read a book called walking taylor home, i have been trying to get it from the library since february and it wasnt available, the other day zach's hospice nurse that first told me about the book called to say that she had finally gotten it back and did i still want to read it, well i read it and cried and cried, but knew just how that dad felt, and i was also thankful that i had not read it before zach passed away, but it was a wonderful book that reminded me so much of our taken care of zachary and his believing that jesus was going to help him on his run home to heaven.
thank you for your continued support, it helps so much to hear that other people have walked this same path and made it through, scarred but through it.

 
Old 08-28-2005, 06:25 AM   #15
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Re: I'm Not Dealing With My Son's Death Very Good

i have the same problem. if i have even a few hours that my daughter is not constantly on my mind i am afraid i am forgetting her. that isn't so. i also can't enjoy myself. it just wouldn't be right since she is not here. there are so many aspects of grief especiallly when it is you child that i believe it takes years just to be able to live somehwat. my heart is with all of you and for those of you that have written who haven't lost children---- thank-you for your kindness

 
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