My 17 year old son Zachary passed away on May 14th from complications from a very rare neurological disease that he was diagnosed with in 2000. His 18th birthday would have been July 17th, my husband and i released 18 balloons with notes attached saying what they were for.. we received one back from about 40 miles away, it had landed on a high school football field. It is so hard trying to adjust to life without my precious little boy, i took care of him 24/7 with only my husband's help. It seems like most everyone else has gone back to their normal lives, and all i want to do is cry, i miss him so much.. on top of that i need to go back to work, not having worked since the spring of 2001 is going to make it difficult, unless there is a very understanding person out there, that will take into consideration my situation.
everyday, i wake up and hope that it is just a bad dream, but it isnt, it is real.. i but on a front for my husband, kids and everyone else, but inside, it is tearing me apart. my 20 year old son has developmental disablities as well as other problems, and i worry about him alot. my 21 year old son and 16 year old daughter seem to be adjusting. but i know what they are doing, they are also bottling it up inside (when i was 16, my older sister died in a car acccident) and they have friends to talk to, our 20 year old doesnt have a lot of outside of our house activities to take his mind off of it. i try to do as much with him as possible.. sometimes it seems to help.. sorry that i have been rambling on, i guess i just dont know how to handle my feelings.. i dont want to be a bother to others, so i try not to say a whole lot to anyone.. it is hard to talk to people who have not been through this.. losing a child is so much different than losing a parent or sibling... it is like i should have been able to save him and i couldnt do anything to help him and now i have so much guilt over what he had to go through with this disease and it wasnt something that i did to him, except that i gave birth to him and must have somehow past it on to him..
ANY WORDS OF ADVICE FOR A VERY UPSET MOM??? some will say therapy, well our insurance wont cover it, and i have a lot of problems talking to strangers anyway..
I am so sorry for your loss. I know a bit about how you are feeling. when I was 22 my husband and I lost our first child(daughter) to SIDS. She was 14 months old. We believed that she was too old for SIDS, so it was totally unexpected. She was walking and communicating and her life had already intertwined with ours completely. Either way, we didn't have much money and none of my friends or relatives could relate. I felt very alone. I didn't have anyone to turn to and we didn't have internet and home computers then. In our small town there weren't any group therapy sessions, so I just sort of lived through it and came out the other side all by myself. Even though it isn't rational, I'v never been able to shake the guilt. I think its because we just "know" that as a parent, it is our JOB to protect our children, so if one of them dies, we automatically feel as though we failed in our job. If therapy isn't an option financially, I guess I would just suggest that you allow yourself time to grieve and then, when you've cried all the tears you can squeeze out, when you've thought all the horrid thoughts you need, when you've beaten yourself up dozens of times for being human, you need to make a concious decision to one day just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start to live like a normal person, even if its just for show. eventually, day after day, you will start to have a "real" life. It just happens, day by day, and you have other children to be an incentive to get back in the game. one thing that helped me.... I visualized my daughter in heaven, and she was given an opportunity to look down at her mommy and see me for just a little while and what she saw was a broken, crying, almost insane woman and I imagined how that would make her feel. I realized that I wanted to be a person who my daughter would be proud of if she ever could look down from heaven and see me. I didn't want HER to feel guilty that my life was ruined because of her death. I realized that nothing was going to bring her back or replace her, and that the only choice I really had was to decide to live or die. And I knew which choice would make my daughter sad and which would make her happy. Maybe its simplistic, but I was only 22 and it did work for me. I hope only the best for you and your family. My heart goes out to you. You are so right that the death of a child is worse than that of a parent or sibling. The death of a child is the only one that is unexpected and unnatural. I knew my whole life that I would someday bury my parents, I even knew that I may bury siblings, but I never imagined that I'd have to bury my child.
Thank You So Much For The Post It Helps Knowing That There Are Other People Out There Who Have Gone Through Similar Situations And Have "made It" Through Them And Stayed Sane.. Sometimes I Wonder If I Will Believe Me.
Thanks!
Ann
my dear ann, you are not alone. my 21 year old daughter died in a car accident 8 years ago. i don't remember the first year at all. since then i have just been existing, going through the motions. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with post traumatic stress brought on by my sweet daughter's death. since there is nothing to say to take away your pain i won't even try. what helped me was to put her death in a place in my heart and teach myself how to go on as a different person. you are never the same person after you bury your child. i have 2 other grown daughters and since i lost my only sister to suicide 3 years ago i feel i understand what they are going through. therapy(which took me 8 years to get into) has been a big help with the post traumatic stress. it is pricey. compassionate friends were at times my salvation even though i never went to a meeting they still send me their newsletter monthly which contains different articles and stories written by bereaved parents. reading them was a big help in making me feel not alone. you can tell by the way these parents write that they understand. even though others say they do, no one does unless they have felt it. i do ann, and i want you to know that i am here for you to pour your heart out to when you need it. your dear son is in peace and he would want you to find some for yourself in whatever way you can. be in touch, i care.
angela
I am so sorry for each one that has lost a child, i dont have children and i am 42, i never planned to have them and i cant say that i know what its like to lose a child, i can only imagine the devestation, , i really dont have any advice
to give because i havent lost anyone that i love yet, but all i can say is to keep coming to the board here and express your self because i can see that people are compationate and understanding here. And you would get alot more help here mentally than you would at some doctor. god bless, kimber lee
Linear Mode
