Ashleyp

I dont even know what happened to her. I was on lunch Wed. afternoon, and my grandma called me and said she was not doing very good. We live about 1 hour away from her, so I come home to get her and my husband. We are about half way there, and the hospital called and told my husband she didnt make it!! I didnt even know she was that sick. I could not see her remains, because they had to do an autopsy to find the cause of death! She wanted to be cremated, but my husband was able to convince the funeral home to let me see her one last time. I must say, that was the most shocking thing I have EVER seen. I lost it. I didnt want to let her go. This is the first person I have lost, and I am 27 years old. I dont know how to deal with this. I feel guilty for eating, because I know she will never eat again. I feel guilty for smiling because I know she cant. I am so mad at her, and I dont know what to do. Is this a part of grieving? Will this constant anxious, nervous, mad, unhappy, hateful feeling go away, or at least get eaiser to deal with? I cant keep getting drunk to numb the feeling. My grandparents cant go through the pain of a funeral, so I am going to just keep her remains with me. She never told me where she would like to be spread. I still cant get her image out of my mind. The last time I saw her was 3 months ago.She had put on some weight then. When my husband talked to the funeral director he asked when i saw her last. He told her about 3 months ago. The funeral director said my mom had recently put on alot of weight and I needed to be prepared for her not looking normal. When I saw her remains she looked like she weighed over 300 pounds. And her face was so swollen. All I wanted to do was hold her. I know she was not there. She died in a hospital with her boyfriend by her side. I keep wondering if she knew she was dying? I wonder if she was afraid? I hope she knows I love her. I hope she is in heaven. I feel like she is. I just want to know what happened. We wont find out the results from the Medical Examiner for 6-12 weeks!

Thank you for reading my long post.
AshleyP