Hoe Do I get Through the Holidays When I am so Sad?? - Grief & Loss Message Board

aelisemc · 10-01-2005, 07:46 AM

On May 14th of this year, our 17 year old son Zach died after having been sick for 5 years. Shortly after he was diagnosed I quit working, so we were together 24/7, he went from being somewhat independent to needing one of us (My husband and i have 3 other kids, 21, 20 and 16) to do everything for him. One of the big things that Zach and I did was to decorate for the holidays, especially Christmas, we put the christmas trees and all of the decorations up right after Halloween (which drove the rest of them crazy), but we loved it. Even when his health got worse and it was harder for him to get around he still helped me decorate, telling me if the tree looked okay or where the reindeer figure needed to be.. what I dont know is how I am going to make it through the holidays without him. He was the anchor of our family, we went to the extreme measures at the holidays for him and now the thought of christmas music makes me cry, thinking of christmas morning makes me want to cover my head and not get out of bed.. how do i go on? i feel like telling the rest of the family to go on without us, we get together with both sides of the extended families, my side of the family would be understanding as they were all very close to Zach and know how much christmas meant to the two of us, but my husbands side, well they are mostly self-centered and will expect us to act as if we are happy, even though our hearts are broken... also i know that we have the other 3 kids... i havent said anything to any of them about how i feel, but i am sure that they know it wont be easy... does anyone have any suggestions??? Staying in bed until after the 1st of the year wont work and soon i wont be able to go into any store without being bombarded with christmas ... HELP, I dont know how to handle this at all

Ann

MandyPandy · 10-03-2005, 07:30 PM

Hi Ann. First off let me say I am so sorry for your loss, I know this doesn't make it any easier for people to say this and it will not bring your son back but I still feel the need to say it. Secondly no matter what anyone says or does it is not going to make it easier on you. I'm sure all of your children and your friends and family know that this is going to be a hard holiday season on you and they do not expect you to be "normal". I am lucky that I have never lost a child (I don't have children yet) but I did loose my favorite cousin (who was more like a brother) 5 years ago suddenly and I know that the pain was and is somethign that to this day that I am constantly trying to "get over"; I think it really took me a good 5 years to even start to become "normal" again and I know that even though I am not greiving as much anymore I will never be the same again.
As far as getting through the holidays maybe you can find some local support groups with others that are going through the same thing as you are. Maybe there is a church group that you could get more involved with. I know that when my cousin died his mother found a really nice card that she had made with his picture on it with a wonderful poem called "my first christmas in heaven" which she sent out that helped her somewhat in the closure part of his death. I know you know that your son would want you to try to be happy but I also know that if it were that easy you would already do it etc. I will keep you in my prayers and I really do hope you can find some happiness this holiday season with the wonderful children that you have left.

God Bless,
Amanda

Soulcatcher · 10-03-2005, 07:46 PM

I can't imagine losing my son or one of my daughters so it's easier for me to say then to live what I am going to say. By you not celebrating Christmas you are having your son pass away again. IF this is something he loved then keep it alive. Let him still live through Christmas. Why isn't it ok to decorate and cry? Listen to Christmas and cry. Who said it wasn't ok? This is your son and their brother too. Grieving is normal. No one can truely understand your pain unless they have gone through this. You don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to. Christmas can be just an intimate gathering this year. I think sitting down with your other children would be a good idea and let them become a part in your yearly planning. Maybe they might surprise you and ask to decorate right after Halloween in the name of Zach. Don't you think it would make him sad to know that you and his favorite holiday is depressing? You have plenty of time to think about it. You will get through it. We are always here to help with your hurt. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you feel Zach in your home this Christmas.

magmuffin · 10-14-2005, 05:21 PM

Dear Ann, i am so sorry for you and your families loss. too many times we feel we have to continue through time as though nothing has touched us. Well we cant. A few suggestions would be change a few things perhaps you and your husband can sit back and ask the kids to decorate that way you can relax cry and remember and just have time as a family. I am sure the kids would appreciate the honour of that activity. change the date that you celebrate xmas with your extended family and have xmas at home all day. hey it may be good. As for life in general every first is the hardest and those who dont appreciate that you dont need to be with. But before you start tossing people aside check with them first we always assume that certain people have no tolerance of our feelings and sometimes you can be very wrong and its our own preconcieved ideas that its there.
They may well be suffering to. Work you probably need it and that isnt going to be easy. i am a firm believer that although your son has left in body he will be with you in spirit and he will accept your tears and undying love for him.. May you be able to survive these xmas holidays and may the light eventually shine through.

karen

Karen W. · 10-21-2005, 09:23 PM

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your lose, I have a friend who recently lost her son who was 19 years old, she has gone threw some really hard months but she is taking baby steps in the right direction. She has been going to counseling and it has really helped her. I know Christmas is going to be hard for you but it's going to be hard also on you children, They need there Mom, they need your love, your strength and you love for the Holidays. I would do something special in honor of your son who has passed away, like making a donation of money to a charity or buy some Christmas ornaments that remind you of him and hang them on the tree. Right now your lost in your sorrow and that is your only focus, you need to pick yourself up and Christmas shop for your other Children focusing on other things is good for you, that is what they told my friend who lost her son, get out of the house and think of other things and focus on your family and friends, it will make you stronger and you become a little more grounded, you'll have one foot on the ground.
Karen W.