I just recently lost my daughter infact it was just 9 days shy of being 3 months ago. She was 19 and out of the blue I get a phone call from a friend of hers that he wanted to know what happened tha she had gone to the hospital because her legs hurt and she was dead. I am having a more difficult time with this because for the last year of her life she was having to sneak around to contact me as her boyfriend was abusive and wouldn't allow her to have anything to do with me. And his father who thinks he is so superior to me and nearly all I know, threatened that if I was caught around any of them they would take her infant son that they share. So, she was afraid. And the last time I saw her was Dec. 9 2005 on her birthday. I went to her house anyway, and took her a cheesecake and a card because I wanted to see her, but because the boyfriend was there, she shut the door in my face and that was the last time I saw or heard from her. And then March 15, 2006 I got the call. Her boyfriend and his father were with her and the hospital flew her out about 4 hours away to another hospital and that's where she died. and nobody bothered to contact me. When I found out I went to her place and they were there and had already planned where she would be buried and such away from me. And I feel cheated. I didn't let them do that I brought her home and had a nice funeral here and all who knew and loved her were there. Which made the boyfriend and family angry. And now they are telling me that she wouldn't have wanted to come here and that she didn't want anything to do with me. I am having a more difficult time with this because they took both of her sons and left town and are keeping them from me and so I have nothing left of her. Not hardly a minute of any day goes by that now I am wondering if I did the right thing and if maybe she had come around to their way of thinking. And I can't really even get through the grieving process. I don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I know at one time she had wanted me to raise her oldest son if anything ever happened. But they took him and his father isn't trying to do anything to get him back. I don't have the money for an attorney to fight them and I keep getting nasty emails from them saying they have already contacted an attorney and I will not get the baby. I am questioning every detail of my parenting skills and the loss of her and if I did the right thing. And I miss her so badly that I can't stand it. I can't keep a normal thought without her popping into my head. How do I get past the anger at them for what they did and continue to do to me by cheating me of the chance to say goodbye to her and how do I get on with the grieving process?
Please don't question yourself...now is not the time. There are attorney offices who work pro-bono (for free) and can help you gain custody and/or grandparents rights. I doubt your daughter had a fight left in her...abusers are good at what they do, that's why it's so hard to leave them. Keep all the e-mails, and keep a daily log in a thread bound note book (it's the only kind allowed in court...to prove it wasn't tampered with) and note every conversation, etc you have with them, who witnessed it, what was said, etc. It may very well help you in court.
Do you have any proof of the abuse? Where is her father in this? Could he help? What about the oldest child's father? Why isn't he stepping up to the plate? Maybe he's concerned that he would have to raise him, you could let him know that you are willing.
I think what you did and are doing is not only hard, it's incredibly strong and brave and you will succeed. My heart tells me so. There are other ways around this and depending on income, you may qualify for help, there are also groups out there that may be able to help pay for a lawyer. You may want to contact your state bar association and ask them for a referral. Also, make sure to research the lawyer before signing on with them. My friend had a putz of a lawyer and he made things worse....so choose wisely grasshopper. (sorry, poor sense of humor, but it gets me through)
I think you did the right thing by bringing her home. It was only right and probably what she would have wanted in the long run. You couldn't have changed things and just by your showing up on her doorstep let her know you still loved her, no matter what her reaction was.
I had a friend like this and several years ago, out of the blue, I finally reached her and knew in my gut her bf was abusing her..he'd alienated her from everyone, especially me, because he knew I would have torn him limb from limb...She was very cold to me on the phone, but I just told her, "If you and the baby ever find a time you need a place to stay, 3am, whatever, call me or show up on my doorstep and you have a place to stay."
I didn't hear from her for another couple of years, and then suddenly she called, she finally found the strength to leave him after his rottie tried to kill her and he blamed her....and we've been best friends again, ever since...but it is in their time, not ours I'm afraid. But your little girl didn't get that chance. The only positive I can say is she's free of him...now you just need to worry about those boys and you have more leverage on saving them now, than you did with her in the picture...because as their mom, she had a say and she was not ready to end it...now, possibly you can.
Please know that people care and will help if they know how, why and what they can do to help. Start checking with the local shelters and see if they can point you in the right direction. It may also give your grief a direction and a purpose.
I wish you well sweetpea, you will find the strength and we will be praying for you.
Good luck and I wish you the best and the sooner the better, ..............Angel
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!
I too lost a daughter. She AND my mother were in an auto wreck and killed immediatly two weeks before Christmas 2001. She was 18. I can't help you very much with the boyfriend/family thing other than a few comments and I'll put them in question form. Who's daughter is she, yours or theirs? Who raised her? Spent time, love, money, home, necessities, Dr., schooling..I could go on but you get the point You provided these things and not them. Were they going to pay the final expenses or were they going to plan things and have you pay for them? Suffering loss will never come to an end but as time goes on things will get less painful. There are help groups such as the "Grieving Parents" group but my success with them has been limited. It does work for some people and some it doesn't. You might consider giving something like that a try. You will meet others with similar problems. The thing that gives me the far greatest comfort is knowing that I WILL see them again! It's not over. It's an intermission. The next time you see her she (and you) will be perfect. No bodily, mental, attitude, income, or housing problems. No problems of any nature! This will last forever. Humans cant really fathom "forever" so look at it this way. Let's say a grain of sand represents 100 years. Now, how many grains of sand are on Florida's coast line? In the whole world? That doesn't begin to account for how long you will be re-united in perfection. It's NOT OVER!