There are so many things I want to express to you, but am finding a hard time finding the words...
Most of all I want to pay my respects to a woman whose feelings were deep & forever for someone who they had the wisdom to leave in the past.
I've been there. It is a hard place to be. To love someone knowing you cannot be with them. Making that choice.
You had no way that I could see to know what was going on with him. While I understand survivor's guilt I have to caution you about thinking you could have done something.
There are some corner's in life that you can't see around.
And please don't feel selfish for feeling like he left you.
Two years ago I sat at the funeral of a man I had lived with for 3 yrs. He basically died of self-neglect. Suicide by a life of drugs/drinking/smoking.
He was only 48. I sat there in my black suit, holding the turquoise cross they gave me that I had given him 30 yrs before. I couldn't believe he was gone even though I knew we couldn't be together. I felt like an ex-wife.
Never underestimate the bond that you have with someone. I am still unable to look at the same way at the world without John in it.
It takes nothing away from our husbands. It is a feeling & a bond not unlike the one we share with parents and siblings. It just is.
I don't know if this makes sense, I was going to come back and try to write more later instead of all of this pouring out.
I DO understand. I still feel this need to talk about him with someone, and there is no one.