it has been the hardest thing I have ever faced. I cry everyday.
a huge part of it is I was with him when he died..... and for anyone who thinks THATS a GOOD THING....guess again. My last memory is of my dad pulling the oxegyn mask off his face..pleading with me...let me go....as I balled my eyes out..... he looked so helpless.... and I FELT so helpless.....
I COULDNT HELP HIM.... AND IT BROKE ME HEART.
ALL My life he always help me when I need him...and here I was.... I couldnt do a thing for him. I felt like I was failing him.
He held my hand and said DONT CRY HONEY.... he was comforting ME...... while he was dieing.
Everytime I close my eyes....I see his face....and it rips my heart apart.
I dont know how to make it stop. and I dont know how much longer I can take this.
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad and your last memory being so painful for you.
You do not need to reproach yourself for feeling helpless, anyone would feel the same in that situation.
You did support your dad by being there with him and letting him do what he wanted to do-holding your hand and comforting you. His pleas for you to let him go must have been terrible to hear.
You didn't need to do anything else. Your presence was the most important thing. Being with someone you love who is dying is extremely stressful and you did not fail him in any way. Keep writing down any thoughts or feelings, either here or in a journal and eventually the memory will be replaced by other experiences that you had of your dad.
Another option is counselling.
Be very patient with yourself, it is early days and cry as much as you want. It all takes time.
I lost my dad 22 july.
I was with both my parents when they died and I'm in the same boat. That's ALL I see when I think of them. The whole ordeal haunts me. My Dad died Aug '04 and my Mom died Nov '05. Just passed the 1 year anniversary of my Mom and I'm pretty much a mess. I knew after being with my Dad how bad that messed me up and I wasn't sure I could do it for my Mom, especially so soon. I did though...had to. I've felt so bad because with my Dad, I went to pieces...crying so hard as he was passing. It seemed like it took so long but in comparison to my Mom it was fast. I've been so afraid that I made it harder for him to go since they say that they can still hear you and I was crying. I didn't want to do that to my Mom and so didn't fall apart until after she died. I now worry that maybe she thought I didn't care as much. Geez, can always find something to feel guilty for...Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
My mum too died on 13th October almost 4 weeks this coming monday and i was there in the room holding her hand as she passed, we me my dad and sisters and brother where by her side for over 20 hrs......it breaks my heart as mum did'nt speak or anything....i don't think she could and wasn't totally there..i so wish she could have and like yrself i see her face all the time.....am heart broken as you are also.....