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Old 11-12-2006, 05:56 PM   #1
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Hi Here I Am Again

hi well i just got back from church and i `am about to fall apart. i can not stop crying and i need some one to talk to. see mom was nursery coutnater in our church and every time i go [i go in sunday nights because i am working all the time. ] i was listening to the words of the songsand started up again. and could not stop. i have got to get ahold of my self i could be so mad at mom because she could have called dr.mike and told him her leg [ ankle] was hurting her and she could have called him and told him that she had a constant cough but instead she sat in her recliner and vegatated and would get up and do the clothes or fix daddy some thing to eat. or watch t.v. instead she would wait till her 6 th month appointment and go see him and never mention about how she was feeling she and i both are anemic except i take my iron every day and she didnt . i could be mad at god because he took her from me. see i am the baby [47 wensday] i live the closest my son is married and my brother is married. they will check in with daddy then they go home to their sposes. rusty [my son] lives in the first mobile home on our land and my brother [randy lives at the end of the road. ]my dad told me today not to worry about him that was not my job he has been taking care of him self for a while and for me not to worry about him.so what do i have now that mom is gone. my cat smokey joe. . it was not time for her to go i didnt even get to say good by because of me also being in the hospital 2 floors down from her dr.mike is the one who came and told me that she was gone. daddy wont talk about his feelings. my sister lives in cail. is it going to take me changing churches for me to stop crying? i am trying so hard to be a good christen and a good person i had a drem last night i was getting married and mom was there i dont remember her saying any thing but i know she was where i was i could feel her what am i going to do now that she is gone the people at church jave been wonderful and pasient and the pople at work have been great but i hurt so much and i just can not under stand why she had to leave me i know all of the realities shes not coming back i have to get use to it bla bla bla but what am i going to do? she had all ready started buying holiday fixings like the almond bark and the choclate. daddy wants no decorations no tree nothing i hurt so much i thought i was going to be o.k. i feel like i am going to have a nervous break down. some respond when you are able please i am going to go take a shower and go to bed but i really dont understand why she had to go so soon and so sudden and that i didnt even get to say good by because i was a mess at the funeral. and dr. mike had me on something i dont remember much thanks for listening. susan kay

 
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Old 11-13-2006, 03:02 AM   #2
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

Your not on your own Susan, we always seem to have a million questions, if but why. It helps to be able to offload it here Susan and you are not on your own. Maybe your dream will come true and maybe your Mom will be right there with you. She went because it was her time, that doesn't help I know, I know it's hard but try to find something postivie, and you know if your Mom satrted buying things for the holiday ...she wanted to celebrate so celebrate you should and I am sure she will be there in spirit with you.

I beleive there is more to this world we are like catterpillars that shed that skin to become beautiful butterflies. Things don't just come to an abrupt stop, energy doesnt just go away, you cant stop energy it just changes form

Hope you know you are not alone
love n hugs
lois x

 
Old 11-13-2006, 05:53 PM   #3
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Unhappy Re: Hi Here I Am Again

hi well i went to see dr. mike today i didnt intend to but i woke up for work with a terrible sore throut and sollen glands. trying to sollow was near about impossible w i went on to wirk and called his office about 10'30 a.m. and waited for them to call but they didnt so when i got off at 1'30 i went to his office and waited my turn [ they are really good about working you in] espessically since he has known us so long.i told them i would wait till he could get around to me and he did.so the stuff i brought home from camping is back for a 3rd time. only it brought mono with it.so he said it has been a while now so he had blood drawn i told him that i had not slowed down i went from camping to me in hospital to moms death to 3 days bereavement to back to work so he told me to take some time off and gave me and excuse for 2 days so i will have my 2 reg.days off then thursday and fri. and go back sat. to work.i will find out the results tomorrow after noon. then i come home and i have a water leak at my sons comode running under the house. does it sound like i need to make areservation at the funny farm? i really feel like i am at the edge of a cliff. i did tell my dad that i was agravated with him and i explained my feelings that rusty goes home to heather and my brother goes home to elizibeth and who do i go home to smokey joe . and that he wont talk about his feelings and i have noone to talk to i just can not stop crying but i know i must get my emotions together. but loseing mom has been such an upheavful in my life and my birthday is wensday and i will spend it with noone. because i am sick i am contages so i dont want any one else sick . i just feel so alone i guess thats why i am such a mess. after i explained my feelings to daddy he told me he would start letting me know when he is going to be gone. he has to get a flu shot with dr. mike tommorrow. no need in me getting one i brought it home all the way from oklahomea.thats the last camping trip ill ever do. i know that.well thanks for listining susan kay some one respond please. susan kay

 
Old 11-13-2006, 09:16 PM   #4
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

I'm sorry to hear you are sick. I hope you will rest and take care of yourself. A nice hot cup of peppermint tea always makes me feel better.
I do hear a lot of guilt re:your mom, and you not forcing her to see the Dr.in your posts..... You need to remember that your mom was a grown women and if she didn't want to see the Dr .there was probably nothing you could have said or done to make her. That was her choice. Please try to let go of that guilt you are carrying around. You have enough on your plate. Sometimes things happen for a reason that we can't know.
I also understand why your dad may not want to decorate for Christmas this year. It doesn't mean he'll never want to decorate again ,but maybe this year it's just too painfull. That's okay. It doesn't mean you can't decorate and have him to your house instead. Many times we have to change the way we do our holidays after a loss. Our holidays now are totally different than when my mom was alive. Do i like it? No...I hate it ..but i've accepted that thats the way things are now and i try to make the best of it . Holidays are hard no matter how long they've been gone. Just take one day at a time....sometimes that's all we can do...take care...Kathryn
P.S Happy birthday!!!!

 
Old 11-14-2006, 01:16 AM   #5
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

Hi Again Susan, sorry to hear you are not too well. You haven't given yourself much time so I think a few days off work will do you good. I know after my Dad died I was kept busy then after his funeral hubby went back to work, kids were in school and i WAS HOME ALONE, BUT DO YOU KNOW I WAS GLAD OF THE TIME.... (FLAMIN CAPS LOCK!!) i was glad of the chance to be able to cry, scream, get angry, throw things, cry some more, rock myself back and forward, feel like a little child, without being worried what affect this would have on my family. It was good to have chance to get it all out. ANd Susan you don't come back to just smokey joe - you may be on a computer, but the people hear reading your posts are as real as you and we are all here supporting each other, and i feel i know lots of people on here.

I know the holdiays are going to be hard, Dad was in hospital, i spent visiting hours christmas day listening to him, wiping his tears because he had had enough of living like he was, holding my tears back telling him if he wanted to go i would cope and be strong for him, really i was breaking but i couldnt let him down. But you know i can hear him now telling me he would want us to be happy, he loved christmas, i am going to buy him a christmas present something he would like and put it in his display cabinet we have. That way it will feel like he is still a part of it. I hope that idea might help you, my sister lost her daughter of 27 two months before dad, on the day of her birthday she bought her a pendant, and my sister wears it knowing that it was her birthday gift to her daughter.
I understand you feel lonely, have you thought of joining a breavement group. But you know Susan I have my family and i still feel lonely, Dad aint here. Maybe a group would help and this board has certainly give me some strength
love n hugs lois

 
Old 11-14-2006, 09:38 AM   #6
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

o.k.first thing this morning[tues.;say off] daddy calls and tells me he is going to get a big breakfast at MCDONDLDS and to i want to go be fore he goes to gert his flu shot i told him no i was still laying in bed it was 7;30 a.m. o.k. 7;30 and since he had to turn off my my water leak last night i went over there to go potty and when i came out of the rest room he tells me i need to stuck it up and that i am using my cold and sickness as an attention getter and that i needed to stp it. so i stopped in my tracks and told him let me tell you one thing one esspecilly you are going to tell me how to grive and how not to grive there are days that i am fine but there are days at work that trigger something and i keep my self together but when i get alone whether i am driving home are in my one house that i paid for my self. i will grive the way i see fit and you are no one else is going to tell me how long and when i am going top feel. and that i highley resented him thinging that he was thinking that it was o.k. for him to do so i told him that if he wants to keep moms bed room door closed then that was fine for him and if he wants to not think about mom then that was his choice this is somthing that we are not going to agree one so there is no need in discussing it i am going to be 47 years old tommorrow and i dont feel well my glands are sollen and my throut is very sore it is white and red and he has no bussiness telling that it is o.k.for him to tell me what i was to think i told him just like with the property paprs he made my brother first ex. and my sister who is the oldest but has lived incail. for 35 years the second ex. and all he did for me was list me as a sibling because i am the youngest and he even listed me with the wrong age but they have all ready been to the court house and have been signed and there is nothing i can do about that randy and i have been the ones to be here and help him with the property and then he list barbara as the second ex. and she hasnt even been here she chose to marry john there have been a number of times she could have come home for a vist and chose not to and i make decisions with customers every day in a mangement positionday in and day out and all i am is listed as a sibling and even with the wrong age what does that say about how he feels about every thing i have done on these 20ackers it tells me not a whole lot like i am not caple of making an important decision unless it has to to with walmart not to mention rasing rusty all these years now he will be married 5 years next month. i told him how dare him think he is going to tell me how to grive and for how long he can keep moms bed room door closed and not think about it but there are days that i have that are good and some that are bad i havent cryed inabout close to 2 weeks but yesterday so not a good day at work and on top of that i dont feel well so dont think you are any body else is going to tell me how to feel. so all he said was i have to take a shower and i told him i will see him this afternoon when we fix my water leak. i will graetly appricite it and this is somthing we willnot agree on son no need to keep talking about he says fine i says fine i will see him this after noon. i guess i am through thanks for listening we are fixing to fix my leak . thanks was for yall not for him i am very upset and sick and tired yall write me back.

 
Old 11-14-2006, 06:47 PM   #7
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

susankay ..so much stuff comes up after a death sometimes ...old emotions and hurts and resentments seem to come to the surface. I have one brother left that I am not close to ..he is younger by 5yrs. There was a lot of resentment on my part about how he treated my parents ..but I always kept the peace for my moms sake...but after she died it just all came out ..and although we will never be close ..it actually did help our relationship ..and it helped me tremendously to get it out... all my anger and resentment towards him is gone, because he took responsibility for his actions ,,which is all i ever wanted.. Then there was the will, which i foolishly let him probate. It took a year, and it was a year of absolute hell,dividing her stuff ,him buying out my half of her house...So I know where you're coming from re: your sister and brother. You were right to stand up to your dad. No one can tell you to get over it.. as far as becoming sick..I think sometimes we just get so emotionally wrung out that our bodies react also. After my brother died I was in bed with pneumonia for 2 months!!! I liken it to post traumatic stress syndrone. You're strong at first because you have to be to get through the funeral ,and all that ..but then after, you let your guard down and just get hit from all sides. Getting sick is just your body's way of telling you to slow down and start taking care of yourself. My mom was very much a caregiver. Her kids were everything to her. I reallly miss that unconditional love and nurturing that only a mom can give. I've had to become a lot stronger and self sufficient since she left. That was the hardest part. not having my mom around to worry about me! ( which actually used to kind of annoy me..but now i really miss it....) Hang in there ....and it's okay to cry etc. I think sometimes it's so hard for guys ..especially ones your fathers age ..to let themselves feel their emotions, and he's probably uncomfortable seeing you so miserable. You need to do what you need to do though ,and hopefully he will figure that out..
like i said ...hang in there.... Kathryn

 
Old 11-15-2006, 03:24 AM   #8
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

Hi Susan, maybe your Dads way of greiving is by shutting the bedroom door, I agree no - one can or should tell you how to greive, a month after my Dad passed by to stop thinking about it!! Not helpful, so I dealt with it alone, I write letters to Dad and talk away to him - that is a big help. And you know Susan it does sound like you are dealing with your feelings, you face them and shre them with us. Maybe your Dad isn't. And you know your age or waht was written or stated doesnt matter if it was wrong, You and your Mom and your love for each other is all that counts and as long as YOU and MOM knew that who cares about anyone elses opinion or actions
xx Lois

 
Old 11-16-2006, 01:55 PM   #9
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

hi i spoke to my daughter in law and she said that like her dad in there day some one died and they just moved one and it was forgotten but it isnt like that now. and my friend kathy i work with her she lives up the street and she lost her husband 2 years ago and she and my sister in law also agree that thats how they dealet with it but i had to let him know i was so mad anupset that i was sick again adn i felt bad and for him to tell me that well it just hit me wrong. but with my dad we have always been able to disagree and then move on we dont stay mad at each other we got my water leak fixed and that has been the end of that conversation but i had to tell him how i felt and i was not going to back down. so tommorrow i have to go and get my licence renewed and then pull out my skirting from under my house and put the insolation back toghether and duck tape [gray tape for those of you who dont know what duck tape is] and fix it all back i have plants in front of my skirting so smokey joe cant get up in there when he is out side so i have to to that sick or not so it is windy and cold here and clody so i will bundle up and do it in a hurry and get back in take a shower and climb back in my jammies and house coat because i have to go back to work sat. when you have to get things like that down upper resp. invection or broncitus goes out the window for the time being it has to be done sop i will hurry and do it and get back in. thanks for listening yall dont know how much you have helped me.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 04:23 PM   #10
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

hi well my dad took me down to minden to get my lice. renewed today they have moved and i did nt know where it was. i took a not to bad pic. this time i had my contacts in and my red turtle neck shirt and my jeans i looked pretty good for as sick as i was. then i came home took my meds. and had a 3 hour nap it makes me soooooooooooo sleepy. then i woke up and had to put my insolation back together and duck tape it all back together and daddy helped me put my skirting toghether and it is back to work tomorrow sick but back to work 7;00a.m. to 4;00 p;m. blond hair blue eyes 140 pounda [i have lost 25 ] i was rather cute if i dont so so my self. you would have never known i was as stopped up as a trash can at christmas time!!!!!!!! so i foret why i started typing part of the meds. effect i guess but im doing o.k. yall write me backo.k.? susan kay

 
Old 11-17-2006, 04:31 PM   #11
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

o.h. now i remember daddy has ask my aunt to come get moms clothes sunday after noon i told him it will be hard but is has to be done and he started to get mad at me he said DONT THINK ABOUT PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND GO OVER TO YOUR HOUSE .i said daddy i will probly be at work HE SAYS GOOD . I TOLD HIM ALL I SAID WAS IT WILL BE HARD BUT IT HAS TO BE DONE I AM JUST SURPRISED YOU RE DOING IT THIS EARLY.YOUR GETTING MAD AT ME FOR NO REASON. JUST ALL OF THE SUDDEN HE STARTED YELLING AT ME IN THE CAR. so i changed the subjust and we didnt discuss it futher. why is my dad yellin at me a lot and how am i suppossed to deal with it? sick/ moms gone daddy yelling at me. why? susan kay

 
Old 11-17-2006, 05:12 PM   #12
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

Well sometimes grief also opens a floodgate of other emotions too. Anger is a pretty common one. Or maybe in your dads case ,since he has a hard time showing his grief ,because as I said before,a lot of men that grew up in your dads era were taught that crying etc. was a sign of weakness,so instead your dad gets mad.I mean he has to get out all those feelings somehow. I know it's hard not to take it personally,but you need to try not to. Anyway..that's my take on it . I remember after my dad died i had a lot of anger. Take care susankay.....

 
Old 12-12-2006, 05:43 PM   #13
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

hi kathryn havent talked to you in a while doing o.k.i guess still having my moments of crying but daddy is starting to have his moments to when we are at the table having a small supper last night and tonight he had a moment but i was having one to. i was starting to wash clothes tonight and he called and ask me what i was going to fix us for supper. i said i dont know so he ask me to come over and find somthing so i fixed some chicken and put some cream of chicken over it and put it in the oven and let it bake. and i made [opened a can of peas] and made some biskits. and he was happt with that. now he hasnt wanted me to do anything for him but this morning we went to brookshires and picked up a few things for christmas day. my brother and his wife / my son [rusty ]and heather [his wife] and me and daddy will have lunch together .daddy sold moms car;sunday so that was hard. so he is making progress. its just going to be hard at christmas. i went to moms grave sunday as i usually do weather permiting and there were foot prints on moms grave which i didnt like but i fixed the dirt back. i just sat at the foot of her and had some quite time i at on the side walk. i just mis her so much. i go to see dr.mike tommorrow and i am having an off balance problem with tripping over my feet a lot. and the inside of my ears hurt so i have to have that sen about. dady started that yelling at me again last night and i told him he has to stop i have ask him before. he said he wasnt yelling i told him he was then we had a moment of silence and started talking about somthing else. this whole situation is just wrong. i cant get use to it. i just cry out of no where and my dad is hurting to. i never releized how hard it would be to lose a parent .or some one close.i have lost 24 pounds. since last june but a lot of it has come off since i was sick and all of this happened.how long does it take when you can have a moment that you are not missing some one that is so close?well i am rambling again. thanks for listening who ever reads this. susan kay

 
Old 12-12-2006, 09:31 PM   #14
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

Hi susan kay.

I promise you that it does get better. I was like you for the first year after my mom died. I lost 25lbs also ,and i wasn't overweight to begin with. I would also cry at the drop of a hat. Just take it one day at a time. I know you're trying to be strong for your dad and that's hard too because you need someone to lean on ,and he's not there for you right now.So i imagine you're feeling pretty alone right now. You will always miss your mom ,like I miss mine still ,but after 3yrs it has gotten easier. I guess I've realized that my reality now is life without my mom and since I don't want to be miserable for the rest of the life that I have,I have to make a conscious effort to move forward instead of living in the past. That's what my mom would have wanted . I'll tell you one of the things that made it so much harder for me was that my daughter and 2 granddaughters moved to another state not long after my mom died.They were living 10mins from me. That was devasting for me as they were the only things in my life that brought me joy,and gave me a reason for living. I had to deal with that loss also. It's been rough. But i'm a survivor,and so are you......hang in there....my thoughts and prayers are with you. Kathryn

 
Old 12-13-2006, 05:34 PM   #15
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Re: Hi Here I Am Again

hi kathryni was doing fine i had a good vist at the doctors today i have hit the 25 pounds lost mark dr. mike was happy with that i was having some off balance problem and he told me to get some meclezine for it daddy had to go to brookshires and he got some for me. well he had made a display with moms pic. and some baby angles in front of it and 2 angles on either side of it. i was over there waiting for a phone call for daddy while he went to brookshires and i saw the counter and started crying he came home and i told him i was going to my house i just coulnt look at it right he said he was sorry i told him thats o.k. i will get use to it. see mom took care of the babies and children at our church. so to see that was just very hard. i usually go to the grave on sundays after work before church and i have done really good tilli saw that .its pretty it was just hard to se it. and christmas i am buying 3 gift cards and weall [my son rusty and wife heather / and my brother randy and wife elizibeth nickname punkin] and me and daddy. eat together. and that will be it. im trying to be strong i know there is nothingi can do about it but some time i just cant help it no one wants to talk about it. so i keep my feelings inside as much as possible. my heart is doing good i told him remember i was of yesterday and today thats why its so calm he told me just to stay on my meds for it. so i ll be o.k.i have to be. write back susan kay

 
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