I lost my Mom to cancer on Jan. 12 2006, I spent the last four days with her in the hospital day and night even though she was in a semi-coma I could'nt stand the thought of her being alone. It's been 10 months and I'm still haunted by those last few days and that look of death on her face after she went. I have no family now accept for an alcoholic brother who has'nt been any support, we were so close, she was like my best friend. I think about her a hundred times a day, I'm just dreading the thought of christmas coming and right after that the one year anniversary of her death. The year has been full of anxiety and depression. I try to stay positive by reading inspirational books and praying to God, but I feel if things get any tougher I won't make it, don't know what else to do. I thought joining this website would help being with people who understand.
I can understand what you have posted....i have also just losted my mum 4 weeks ago yesterday....and i have the image of her in my head also all the time...the whole time she was in hospital, i went up everyday apart from the vey odd afternoon when others where going or i had my children to sort or collect from school....i miss her so badly, my heart is also breaking..i feel lost although i have my own family its not the same as your mum..i know that sounds harsh but your mum is your mum....my mum died on 13th October...just about two weeks later it was her birthday and of course yesterday was 4 weeks to the calender month of her passing and as for christmas i don't even want to go there...although its everywhere at the moment...its just to much am in too too much pain....
Myself, dad and brother and sisters spent over 20 hours also at her bedside whilst she lay dying....that image is in my head also..no escaping at the mo....
You take care...hope by knowing others feel the same pain helps in someway...as we can relate and understand it also...
Thank you for your kind words and your quick response, My heart goes out to you as well, I remember how devastated I was the first month and the emptiness. I hope your Mom did'nt suffer. All I can say at this point is be kind and gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve, maybe find some good books on the subject and rely on your family to get you through. I'm sure your Mom is looking down on you and you can still tell her you love her. Take care for now.
Hi Bill I Am So Sorry For You Losing Your Mom To Just Read My Post I Can So Understand Your Feelings Kathryn Says I Have To Let Go Of My Guilt Because Of Me Being In The Hospital At The Same Time And That She Didnt Take Better Care Of Her Self Hand I Get Agravated At My Dad Because He Says Some Dumb Things Somtimes That Remind Me He Is Letting His Mouth Over Ride His Thinking Although I Love My Dad I Am Daddys Baby Girl Even Though Im Grown. I Dont Know What To Tell You Is Just Take Each Day As It Is Grive If You Feel Like It And Then The Next Day Try To Have A Better Day I Have My Good Days And My Bad Days Depends On How Stress Ful It Was At Work . I Will Add You To My Prayer List Every One Has Been Wonder Ful To Me On This Board Kathryn You Know You Are Special To Me Thank You Susan Kay
Hi Bill....I can relate also. My mom was in a coma for a week. It was pretty awfull. She developed pnuemonia and i had to listen to her gasping for breath as I held her hand for that week.. Her heart was what finally gave out after all that laboring. I was actually relieved when it was over...but then of course I started missing her so much. I also don't have much family left .. having lost my dad and brother..i have one brother left that I'm not close to. It's hard to lose that connection to family isn't it.? Realizing that you are basically alone now. That the one person you counted on for that unconditional love and support that only a mother can give is gone. My mom and i were close also. I'm so dreading the holidays this year..Even though for me it will be the 3rd Christmas and Thanksgiving without her. The holidays are always difficult. My heart goes out to you. Do you have a Hospice Light Up a Life ceremony around you.? I find it helps me to attend this ceremony that pays tribute to all of our lost loved ones . I see the faces of the people there and know that i am not alone in my feelings ...and it also honors the memory of my mom ,dad and brother. take care.....Kathryn
p.s...susankay .you almost made me cry with your kind words.. you are also special....Kathryn
I lost my mom Sept. 2005. I for a long time also vividly saw in my mind the last time Mom was living. I was so blessed that my dad called me early a.m. and told me the Dr. had stopped dialysis. I had 7 hours to drive. My mom waited until I got there and I was the one who told her it was ok to go to Jesus. I think we hang on to those visualizations as they are all we have left of them physically. I too miss my mom terribly. I'm going through physical health difficulties now and especially miss Mom's support to me. I have tried during the holidays to make special effort to go places or to do things that help me through the actual days. Like on Easter last year for some reason I was compelled to go visit Mom's old country church. Also, I was compelled last Christmas to make a special meal to show my thankfulness to my own family. It was a big deal for me. I wish you the best during your first Christmas without mom.
I lost my Dad on January 28th, so it has been 10 months for me also, and do you know reading these posts makes me realise that i am very lucky. Dad didn't want anyone to be there at the end, but for 4 days every day i sat with him all day. I am glad he didnt want me to be there. I am also lucky because my Dad was able to pick where and when he wanted to pass - or at least that is how it seemed by the way he communicated to me, that gives me great comfort. He had fought parkinson's for nearly 30 years. I have a family who disowned him, but i loved him very much - he was a great Dad and a great inspiration, but it is lonely when you can't share thoughts and feelings with the people that are supposed to care. You are not alone and this board is a great place to share your feelings as we all understand
Thank you for your reply, my condolences go out to you as well, it's comforting to know there are people out there who understand. I can relate to the feelings of guilt. I seem to replay situations over in my mind thinking maybe I should have done somethings differently. As I sit at work the anxiety gets pretty bad in the afternoons and have to try and function normally. I'm glad you still have your dad and that you love him, thank you again for the reply it was very comforting.
My blessings go out to you. My Mom also developed fluid on the lungs and I remember sitting there for ours listining to the gurgling and just wanting it to end and feeling tremendous guilt for thinking that way. Thank you for your suggestions about the holidays I plan on getting up christmas morning and going down to help feed the homeless but dread opening my eyes that morning all the same. But I will check and see if there is a Hospice Service. Thank you again for your reply and God Bless.
Thank you for your reply, my heart goes out to you and sorry to hear that your physical problems, all the best. I'm a new christain (1yr.) and my Mom never attended church but I did manage to get her to a church service at my church and she went up for prayers and accepted Christ and I'm sure she's in heaven. She was a good person and spent her whole life helping people less fortunate then she was a good example of what humanity should be like. Thank you again and God Bless you.
Working with the less fortunate is a great way to forget your own troubles for awhile. I think that's wonderfull. And I'm sure your mom would be proud of you for doing that. take care Bill,..... Kathryn
hi kathryn my sister called me from cail. today for my birthday and she told me something funny and you would have to know my mom to appeciate this barbara told me that at the burial she was talking to one of our aunts and she said that the night after mom passed she said mom came to her in a dream and my uncle neal [one of daddys brothers who passed due to complications from triple? bypass surgery about 2 years ago.] he was a big camping fan every chance he got he and his family were camping and every oct. daddys brothers and family met down at black lake [ it is in jamestown in webster parish about 45 min. to and hour from were i am in haughton] they do it every oct.3rd. any way mom was not a camping fan and she said that uncle neal met mom at the pearly gates when she got to heaven and the first thing she said to him was ;figures i would met you here and some thing else im not going camping' when barbara told me that i just laughed and laughed i can just see my mom with her hand on her hip and pointing her finger at uncle neal telling that . barbara said that it might help me when i get down. i had a good birthday my friends from work snuck me out last night and took me to olive garden to eat and then brought me right home one of our door greeters gave me 10.00 and one of our other door greeters gave me 5 porciln kittens and they have oriental signs on them that our for good luck. so i have them in my living room on my entertainment center. and my son and daughter inlaw[heather] are taking me to red lobster to eat and a present to how about that my test results were neg.for mono just this upper res. invefection i cant get rid of. so i well come right home and go to bed and take my meds. and dr. mike has me off for tommorrow and friday so i have my excuse turned in and my time in so i will get paid for it. so it had been a good day even though i miss mom its been o.k. 2 of my friends called to say happy birthday and the guy i used to date but still talk to [ he is in tenn. ] he called to tell me . so i will enjoy tonight and remember momis with me thanks kathyn love you susan kay
Hi Bill and Everyone else,
all of the post here have brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mother Sept. 2004. For the first few months all I could remember of her were those last moments. Sometimes I am still haunted by the look of death on her face. I lost her when i was 30 and I am an only child. Some holidays are good for me and others are bad. Lately I have been crying because I feel so alone. I have a 7-year old but I have no support system what-so-ever. My mother was it. My bestfriend got mad at me because I was venting and she took it as I was yelling at her. Another friend told me that "she understands" about losing a mother. She still has a mother, grandmother and aunt that she is close too! I was very offended by her statement. The only person that truly loved, accepted and cared for me was my mama. And now she is gone. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much and it's hard dealing with all of these emotions.
tahsa you are in the right place let it out tell us how you feel and we will be there for you long distance all over the world every one here has just been awsome to me kathryn bill lobo everyone i am still sick with this upper res. invection/ broncitus stuff that i have had since mom passed sept.28th and i was in the hospital at the same time so do not hesitate to express your self we are here for you o.k. and tell us about your son mine 26 and will be married 5 years dec.1rst but he is still my baby and works for tristate elec. and graduates in may with his elec, lic. so i am a proud mom my dad lives next door brother down the road on our property and sister incail. so you just talk as much as as i do and we will listen and respond o.k.?
just like you guyzz i also lost my grandmother 3 weeks ago. she's 94 years old and is AD positive. for 2 weeks that' she's in bed, i already have this feeling that she'll be gone soon. two nights before her death, she ask me to sing her a song. i did and i did'nt know that it was her last request from me. everytime i'll remember that moment i can't help but cry. I really miss her. i want to hold her hand again, hug her and tell her i love her.
for the past week, i've been having this nightmares.
when i was a little girl everytime that I'll have a nightmare and wake up with my grams by my side every fear brought about by my dream just go away then i'll just go to sleep again. but this past days, waking up in a bad dream is like hell for me. the feeling of loneliness and that she's no longer by my side makes me more upset.