Re: I'm so completly lost...
I know (from personal experience) that the death of a loved one can be more difficult to manage during the holiday season. My mother(2002) was a functioning alcaholic until her carpal tunnel pains stripped the "functioning" aspect of it away. I will not go into detail at this point because I realize that you are at a fragile state. If you want me to elaborate, I will.
One thing I was grateful for is that she no longer had to suffer with the many ailments that were plaguing her life. She was in a safer place and I actually thanked God for that(though I still miss her so).
I also can relate to the "boyfriend-girlfriend" moving in together scenario. For some reason, I feel that you have so much more to share. Feel free to post anytime.
We don't judge people here and if you stay around long enough, you are bound to learn a thing or two(as I have).