For those that remember me, my mum passed away on october 13th just over two and a half months ago....and am in pieces, i feel the shock has only just hit me.....i did'nt mark the coming of this new yr as i dont want to have to say goodbye to the last...or goodbye to my mum..it feels like i have to, i never want to.Nothing is making me feel happy....not even my hubby and children and i feel so selfish saying that...but the nearer the days go away from october the more people are not aware or thinking....to me my head is still back in the summer last year when mum was first in hospital and then when we had to get her back in again in sept.....to me this nightmare is only just beginning...i know with me this is going to be a long job...am such a sensitive person...so called friends are not actually realising...and i usually just put a front on and go with them..but inside am truly at breaking point, but they never ask...they are just bothered about themselves....really and am so sick of looking out for others (so sorry i must sound so awful)...but am hurting badly and am frightened i loose the plot.....my sleep pattern in the night is all over the place...i visited my mum everyday accept about twice and i can't get the visits nor her face out of my mind whilst we watched her for 20 odd hrs slip away from us.
i just want to shut myself away...i just want my mum, please thats all i want is my mum.
I haven't lost my Mum, thank the gods. But I can imagine that I will completely loose it when that day comes. I hope that this advise will help, and that someone will remind me in many years when I am in the same situation.
First, you are not a bad person and you need to look after yourself first. If you don't, you can't get back to your family. Your children have lost their grandma, and it must seem like they are loosing you as well. Hopefully they are old enough to understand, or young enough that it won't effect them. Is your husband helping?
Looking after yourself: it could be time to see a doctor. If you are loosing sleep it means that you can't cope with the stress as well. Maybe you should consider sleep aids or tablets. You may want to talk to the doctor about seeing a councilor or some tablets to help take the edge off your depression so that you can start to come to terms with this loss.
Friends can be a pain and any that are adding to your stress, just cut them out. You don't need or want it. If they were friends, instead of contacts, then they would be supporting you, not dragging you down.
Remember, you are NOT a bad person. You are hurt. You need help, support and comfort.
Thankyou so much for taking time to reply, am touched.At the moment i really only have these boards to read and get support....am frightened to go to the doctors......i suffer with my nerves and anxiety, and in the past years my mum suffered with her nerves when i was 16 yrs of age she lost her mum and a year or so after she had a total breakdown....i so much suffer with my nerves also.....and what am feeling really is true pain....am really dying myself inside with the pain.....i do keep an eye on my children they are 16, 12 and 10....but am being reminded by a family member to think of the kids..in other words you can't loose it...its making me feel worse, and like i can't grieve my way...i can't help being who i am, or how i am......am 37 but i so often just collapse on the floor crying......for my mum....i don't want to get dependent on tablets to get me through...mums breakdown 20 yrs ago has frightened me so much, but if am that way and inclined what can i do....am being me at the moment.....and am hurting like no hurt i can discribe...but i am myself.....i can't be or act how people want me to,...at the moment i could just scream and walk away.....am bearly keeping it together.
As I read you post, Meeshy, I feel as though I could have written what you are saying -- only it is my father I have lost, and the loss began almost a year ago (though he passed away in August). I feel hollow, and struggle with trying to be there for my family (2 children: 3 & 7)...
I have no answers, no words of comfort... But to say that you are not alone in the pain you are feeling. Sometimes we feel comfort knowing we are not so completely alone.
I too wish i could give words of comfort to you...as you are feeling the same pain......the pain i have no words to describe it...but it does help being able to pop here and share with others that do understand and listen...
Look after yourself also chicky.....a day at a time
Meeshy and Chicky you are both still grieving and will affect you differently.
Some friends/family do not know what to say to you in case they 'get it wrong' and upset you.
I too lost my mum - August 2005 - was quite sudden really.
She was in her late 70s and had been still pedalling her way across town to her little job. (July)
She had pain in her legs, chesty cough and had to go home as not well.
It was found she had Lung cancer in August and died 10 days later.
Sadly the family has broken apart due to terrible feuds regarding where mum was buried.
Still to this day I miss mum -but I do know that she would not want me to keep grieving the way I have.
Yes there are some days when I do really grieve and feel like my world is falling apart but I do pick myself up by thinking on how she would be with me if she was still alive. I can hear her now telling me to smile and get on with life.
Yes there are times when its hard - these are the times when I go look at photos to remind me of the good times we had together.
Or I make myself go for a walk either on my own or with the dog - it is a struggle sometimes to drag myself out but I know that it will make me feel better - and it does!
Give yourself time, reflecting on the good times you had with your mum in the past and you shall eventually come through - never forgetting her and having memories to treasure forever.
You are not alone and can talk to us anytime on here.
God Bless you, I understand your pain it's still so new. I remember around the 3 month mark phoning a friend up and saying I just can't take it anymore, I can't pretend to be OK anymore my friends stopped calling and I understood that most people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Don't feel guilty about not being there for others you have to look after yourself first and do what ever it takes to get through this. I eventually had to go to my doctor to get something to help me with the anxiety and depression and not sleeping because I was afraid of losing my job and it was only a temporary thing. It's nine days away from the first anniversary of my my Mom's death and I miss her terrilbly but it's gotten a little easier. Keep thinking of the good times and know that your Mom would want you to carry on and have a good life because she loves you.
Bill i understand what you typed....i think i have reached that point now....i know to people its now last year but its not even three months since til the 13th of jan and am not coping too well.....i haven't accepted that fact yet, i think am frightened too...i do know at some point i have to.....its just am still in shock although mum was in hospital twice last year, this was totally out of the blue.....plus it was a very rare condition she was supposed to been suffering with..which doesn't help..nor the fact that for the entire 4 or so weeks i visited everyday apart from two times i think, i never heard her speak or towards last three or so weeks any acknowledgement....i would never of thought this was going to happened, i know we can never truly be prepared..but am just in shock...even the words 'mum has died' don't sound right to my ears...thankyou for understanding...noone around really does, i can't bring all this up in front of my dad....and my sisters and bro are so different in nature to me..am so sensitive at the best of times....this pain is killing me inwardly....
I know it's hard and my heart goes out to you, you might want to find some books on grieving I have a few good ones, they might help you put some things in perspective and help you understand the different stages of grieving there are also some daily inspirational books that give you encouraging words or advice for each day of the year. Just hang in there and know what you are going through is normal and you will get through it. Be strong and pray for strength.
You want your mother back and your mother wants you.........to be alright. She wants her child to honor the memory of the woman who gave her life, thus giving her mother a renewed sense of life.
She wants you to know that she is with the Lord and that she is raining blessings on you and wants to know if you feel them. She also wants you to know that the Lord "reclaimed" her existence for a purpose that cannot be revealed until the two of you meet again.
She wants you to celebrate her life, in death.
Last but not least, she wants you to know that she still and will always love you, as she knows in her "heart of hearts" that you love her.
darling im so sorry about your mum, i felt exactly the same as you when my mum died in a tragic accident at home. i was gutted, really gutted. i cried and cried for months/years. i felt like you did, so upset, i thought nobody knew how i felt. it stills kills me now to think of what could have been. but i try to think of my mum and what she was like, its really painful when im at my dads house. its so cold and no atmosphere as mum isnt there. but my mum would NEVER want me to be like i was.... depressed/unsure/drinking/anti social.... so now i try and focas on positive stuff..... like what family i have left, like my dad bless him, and my big sis and her family. we need to be strong for them now. My heart is with you babes...... lots of love x
It will be 4 months on the 13th february and i do sooo miss her, i still can't get my head around it...before mum passed and for many years i have suffered with anxiety and i think depression....i have gone to my doctors a week or so ago after i screamed and i mean scremed like a baby in my kitchen, my children wondered what the hell was up and it was the anger and frustration...i want my mum..so now at the mo am on anti depressents, the only thing is they have blocked my crying out..am looking after my dad, its heart wrenching to see him alone, i so wish he would talk to me about how his truly feeling...in his own time though.
I can't imagine life without a mum, i so need mine
I lost my mom on December 26, 2006. I feel for you, and know how you feel. I'm 32. My mother and I were very close. She died of an infection associated with a reoccurence of lymphoma. We watched her die. Other people (unless they happened to go through it too) can't possibly even begin to understand. I read something recently that has helped "somewhat." Grief is like a burn, you have to clean it often and thoroughly otherwise it can become infected, but cleaning it properly is painful as hell.
I don't know how to get through it. I'm trying it figure it out myself. Maybe we'll figure it out together. I've told a couple of friends that never in my worst nightmare could I have imagined how painful this loss would be...
There have been a couple of friends that have sort of "disappeared" through this whole thing. I don't blame them. I can't take on their reactions or lack thereof... I'm trying to take care of myself.
You have to be honest with people. My boyriend was teasing me the other day that I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I laughed and told him very seriously that I was sorry, but my mind is haunted and clouded by memories and images and sadness.
Sorry also to hear of your recent loss.I can so relate to what you have typed...people around me soon seem to forget its not even quite 4 months yet since mum passed.Even typing them words seem unreal.....i two watched for over 20 hours as my mum died in front of us...and like you the image haunts me, and so do the images of when i use to go up to the intensive care unit and high dependacy, i can't get it out of my head.I know the days have moved on but i haven't am 37 and she was my mum for 37 years and always will be so there is no way i can get over this as quick as some people seem to think...
If i can help and be of any support as we both like others here truly know how bad the pain feels and we still are in shock.
I lost my mom Aug 22, 2006 and have actually come searching for people who understand me. It has been just over 6 months for me since my mom passed and I feel as though I need to search out others who have gone through the same thing. It is only starting to become real to me that my mom is gone. She and I were so close. I don't have any friends who have lost their mom and I truly believe that losing a mom is different than losing any other person close to you, especially for women.
I am 33 years old and my mom turned 66 a month before she passed away. She had ovarian cancer. I too was with her when she passed. I wouldn't say that I am haunted by the memory of being with her when she died, but I am haunted by the year leading up to her death. I can honestly say the last two years have been a blur and hell for me. My daughter was born in June of 05 and my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 6 weeks after her birth.
I would love to share more with you both but don't want to highjack your thread. Perhaps we could start a discussion for women grieving the loss of their mom?
I don't mind at all your replyig etc...i feel totally the same way am 38 next month and my mum was 63 when she passed away 4 months ago and i feel totally lost without her...everyone, thing has moved on i haven't yet..and still in deep shock...fi know how you feel, i need to find support with others that feel the same...to at this present time.As am sure you understand totally.
Look after yourself
Last edited by moderator2; 03-02-2007 at 10:08 AM.
Share all you like! It's so hard. It hasn't even been 3 months since my mom died of cancer (Dec 26, 2006) and it doesn't feel real except when it feels too real.
Same here, my mom and I were really close. My dad and I are too and that has helped. We cry on the phone together. My mom was 69 and I am 32. I'm very haunted by the last week she was alive. We watched every organ shut down and it seemed as if she shriveled before our very eyes. It seems so unfair that some people have to suffer like this when they are dying. I think about her constantly. People say it will get better and I think, what does this mean, really? I don't WANT to miss her less, or forget things etc. Everything about grieving is very conflicted for me.
Please feel free to tell us anything and everything you want to discuss about your mom's passing. I don't know if it helps to know that others know exactly how your feeling...
Am so missing mum today......i need a 'mother' figure..., i try to let my dad know how am feeling but its so hard as its his wife and he is in pain also, i so need my mum...to have that mum and daughter conversation with.I've just looked out of the window and its sooo sunny and bright, no rain but may hearts so blue and dull with this grief and pain for me to enjoy it.....i can't believe this has happened, we had no warning and in so much shock, i can't accept it yet, doesn't feel right if i do i will have to let mum go and i don't want my mum to have gone.Hope am making sense.
I totally understand how you are both are feeling. I am close with my dad too but I really don't feel as though I want to talk about my feelings with him and make him more sad. I realized today that I don't really know how to "take care of myself." I know how to care for others and how to distract myself but I am really ****** at asking for what I need and how to express my emotions.
I feel such deep pain. A month or so ago I started crying because I couldn't remember the sound of my mom's voice....Our 1 minute phone calls were enough to pick me up and help me go on. I still don't feel grown up but I feel as though I have been forced to grow up. KWIM?
My husband really tries to understand but if he asks me one more time what is wrong, I am going to scream. The same thing is wrong that has been wrong for the last six months....usually I am a happy and fun loving person but now I am super sensitive, angry a lot and just in a pissy mood.