dealing with boyfriend's grief - Grief & Loss Message Board

confused 123 · 01-04-2007, 10:10 AM

hi,

4 years ago when my ex-boyfriend was about 18 his dad died suddenly (he was very close to him) and then a year later his girlfriend died. his mum isn't particularly well and he hasn't got a stable home base in the UK

we've had an on off relationship for a few years, but at the beginning of the sumemr we got together for what seemed like 'for good' and spent two mon ths travelling together in the holidays. we used ot be at uni together, but he failed his exams and moved uni this year. its been hard, as any long distance relationship is, and i think hes been really struggeling to cope with this change in his life plus trying to maintain a relationship with me. hes a good, sweet guy, but it seems like all his energy went into surviving and he didnt have any to spare for me.

6 weeks ago an old friend of his from school died. i found out about this a week and a half after it happened as he ignored all my calls, etxts and emails for a while. he just completely shut down. i then went to see him out of worry, and im starting to think i wasn't sympathetic or understanding enough.

i was so consumed with my own hurt and anger at him ignoring my upset messages of 'please get in touch' that i gave him a long speech on how not ok his actions were. we made up, and i tried to be nice and sympathetic, and he turned into the lovbly, loving guy i used to know. the next day we hgad a great day out and he seemed relatively ok. clealry still going through a lot, but quite chirpy. i aske dhim if he needed mroe time alone, and he said no, and the lats thing i told him was 'if you need more space, let me know'.

after that i heard nothing for 2 weeks. i sne thim some nice friendly texts, some supportive emails, then after a week and a half i got mad and sent him a couple of not very nice texts - he'd really hurt me not gettign in touch again, and mroe than anything, i was really worried about him.

now, hes really turned on me, and can't really see how hes messed things up.

i was just wanting people's perspective's on his grief and what he's been through, as i want to try and understand him a bit better. maybe i shouldn't have shouted at him, and maybe i should have been more caring and sympathetic (much easier said than done in a relationship though)

i was hoping that maybe someone who has lost a parents/other people they love could shed some light on what hes going through?

at the momenbt we've agreed not to talk until he can handle communication and sort some things out. i want nothing more than to text him to say hi and see how he is, and be there for him. does anyone have any ideas on how i can support him?

many thanks

meeshy · 01-04-2007, 02:02 PM

Hi confused

Please bear with me. as i've just lost my mum also...and am sorry to hear about the hard time your having at mo with trying to be there for your friend....all i can say is, i personally could quite easily go on shutdown.....and although i have a lovely hubby and three great children....i have been treating my hubby awful lately.....alot of it i feel is anger and we tend to get frustrated with close ones around because they can't understand what we are going through and we so want them to realise...please know its not your fault or anyones that they cannot understand....its just us when griefing are often crying out for the support ,help, and often being so close to someone its too close to talk things out properly like we that come to this board do.......we have to in order to cope i know i need to at the mo...

My perspective on it...but bear in mind i only lost my mum just under 3 months ago...and am heartbroken so, my heads all over the bless so if my words sound the same i apolisage...

Hope this helps

Meeshy
xx

langy · 01-04-2007, 03:30 PM

i totally agree with meeshy i lost my real dad when i was 11 and my stepdad 4 months ago and im all over the place as i knew my stepdad for 18 years and saw him as my dad.i to am shutting myself off from going out,talking to people and showing interest in anything.there is no timescale for grief and we all deal with it in our own way.your boyfriend will know and say when he needs some therapy.i know that somedays he seems ok and others not but thats how grief is you think your doing abit better and then you feel awful again.give him the space he wants but be there when he needs you.let him talk when he wants but if he doesnt want to dont force it.if it helps my heads like a jumbled up mess,i cant work and my anxiety disorder is back.grief is a hard emotion to deal with.hope this helps.