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Old 01-08-2007, 06:06 AM   #1
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talkshowhost HB User
i need someone to relate...

Hi everyone,

This isn't directly my grief, but it's one hard situation and I just hope someone here can give advice or opinions or just read this or maybe shed some light from a different perspective. If this isn't appropriate or this forum, I apologise in advance. Also, this will probably be really long winded but I hope someone has time.

Okay, I guess to start...maybe four months ago I met my boyfriend, Darren, & since then we've been inseparable, it's unlike anything I've ever experienced and I love him dearly. In early April of 2006 his then girlfriend, Marie, passed away. They were in quite a long term relationship, she died suddenly and the autopsy was inconclusive. Naturally this devastated him and everyone who knew both him and Marie. (I had met her once a long time ago and she was a gorgeous girl in every way)

Marie was close friends with one of my friends, although our paths only crossed once and I never met Darren until some time after she passed away. Anyway...wow I don't even know where I'm going with this.. well I met Darren out one night through that close friend (as her boyfriend befriended Darren after Marie passed away...they weren't setting us up of course, it just..happened) and of course Darren and I being together created some awkwardness and difficulty between us and those friends at first, but when they saw how happy we are together, they embraced our relationship..

So, it's been less than a year since Marie passed away and Darren and I are together and very happy, he tells me this constantly...and we openly talk about Marie and celebrate her, she was (and still is) a major part of his life and I am comfortable with that.......but some people aren't.

Some just make it so difficult for me, so much that sometimes when i'm alone I just feel so awful and I just sit and cry. Sometimes I feel like I am doing something wrong by Marie... I just wish I could know I have her blessing to be with Darren... he & I have spoken about it many times and we know she would want him to be happy, and together we are..I was a lost soul until I met Darren and I believe the past six months were the same for him..

The people who know both Darren & I are happy for us, namely Darren's parents, his close friends, my close friends.... and even Marie's parents (Darren was and still is very close to them..). But not everyone is the same. E.g. Darren's brother's girlfriend. She was a close friend of Marie. Since I began seeing Darren I have met her once, briefly. Darren introduced us, I barely said "hello" before she got up and abruptly walked out of the house and she has refused to be in my presence ever since... and I haven't been bothered by it all too much until tonight when Darren phoned and was obviously upset...and had just been in an argument with his brother about it. She makes it so hard on him by refusing to accept our relationship. On Marie's birthday Darren had a beach barbeque party to celebrate her life and Helen (his brother's girlfriend) was there, I didn't attend, and he took her aside and had a word...saying he is happy with me and asked her to try and do the same. But she blatantly refused then and still does. And by this point in time it's starting to upset Darren's family, as because she refuses to come around it's very rare that Darren and his brother are seen together for more than a brief moment as she "doesn't let" Sean hang around when I'm present.

Her exact words were that she thinks i'm trying to "step into Marie's shoes". But no, I'm me and Marie was Marie....... we are two different people and these are two different relationships. Darren has said it himself that life does go on and it's hard but he can't dwell on it, he has accepted the loss and of course there are hard days but he knows he can deal with it, and I like to think I help him with that. We're a team and I know he'd do the same for me if need be.

Now when I'm thinking rationally I know I haven't done anything wrong, but I cant help but feel I'm causing trouble...and tearing his family apart and upsetting people who were close with Marie. One part of me says "don't worry what Helen thinks, the people who matter are supportive so let it go", but I can't...it's too big to just let go. I want things to be perfect and for everyone to be happy... I just don't know what to call what I'm feeling, it feels almost like guilt. But what can I do about it??? Darren has asked Sean and his girlfriend to come to dinner with us so she can meet me as he is convinced she would love me if she got to know me... but of course she'll have no part of it.

What am I to do as his "new love"? I'm hoping someone who has been through this or similar from either my side of things or Darren's can shed some light... I'm thinking things will improve in time but in the meantime I don't want to be on edge...or have to avoid her... I didn't even go to his family Christmas dinner that Darren's mum invited me to as I knew she would be there and I didn't want to create an awkward situation for Helen, so I sat at home by myself instead.. but it can't go on like this. Is there anything I can do? Or is the ball in her court?

Sorry, this is all confusing and long winded..it's hard to know what I even want to get out of writing this here, I just want someone to understand..as so far no one except Darren has even spared a thought as to how hard this is for me...I hope you all don't view this as simply my petty relationship problem...

Last edited by talkshowhost; 01-08-2007 at 06:10 AM.

 
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Old 01-08-2007, 06:13 PM   #2
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Re: i need someone to relate...

Hi, my reply is 9 pages of a word document long so I hope you bear with me. I wanted to share my story with you before trying to give you some advice. i have been in a similur situation as yourself in dealing with my boyfriends grief and being accepted by some and not by others.

My boyfriend (Leif) and I met in a chat room in November 2002. at the time I was going through a break up with my then fiancé Unknown at the time to Leif one day while i was in the area I went to his work (he was a manager in a supermarket) I saw how good looking he was and after perving for 5 minutes I left. when I came home I blocked him on my messenger and we didn’t talk for another 12 months. I felt that with his looks and his position he was too good for me. I come from a lower class family and was raised just above the poverty line with my family constantly in debt. I was scared by power and people who had gone to universerty.

I moved into shared accommodation with a friend in Nov 2003 and walked into her bedroom to tell her something and there Leif was on her bed talking to her...... he was my new next door neighbor.

Since then he became my best friend or I believe my soul mate. He was there when I got the news my dad had 3 months left to live. He was there when I found out my then boyfriend of 11 weeks had cheated on me. He was there when I met some one else and got married, he was there when I realized what a huge mistake my marriage was. He was there when my father died a week before my birthday.

My x husband was a leach. He lost his job a week before we got married and once we were married never bothered to look for a job again. I am not without fault as the marriage should never of happened. I couldn’t have the man I really wanted (Leif) so I settled for my husband.

The 1st Jan 06 was the start of new lives for both Leif and I. I lived in a hotel on the third floor while I was sleeping someone broke in through the balcony and took what little I owned. My husband at the time was of no support to me and left me to deal with the stress and fear of the thief returning on my own. 2 days later on the 3rd Leif was driving home interstate from Christmas with his and his x wife’s family when their car broke down. Without going into the long story of its own there was an accident and his 13 year old son (zac) was killed. it was a few days before I found out because the thief had taken my mobile phone.

I couldn’t get time off work for the funeral but I came here the first chance I had which was in Feb. 2006. One thing led to another that night I was here. I was still in lust with Leif but told myself a thousand times that he only ever thought of me as a friend. I had told him years ago that I was falling in love with him and he said there was no spark there for a relationship and his heart was elsewhere at the time but she didn’t feel the same for him. Leif asked me if it was what I wanted and I said yes and I knew my marriage was over. That night was 2 friends giving and receiving something we both needed. The following weekend I told my husband the marriage was over.

I continued to talk to Leif via the phone, internet and txt messages making sure he was ok and just being there for him. I again visited him and his children in April 2006 once again as a friend only. This visit however I felt something different from Leif there was something more than friendship he was giving me but not quite love yet either.

He asked me to go to his best friend’s sons engagement party a few months later which was when I knew things were definitely starting to change. We loved being with each other, hearing each others voice and just knowing the other was there.

Up until this time I was being a supportive friend helping my closest friend who had been there for me over the years, through a hard time in his life. In July06 I lost my job of 2 years and decided it was time for a change. My marriage was over I had no reason to stay where I was living and thought well why not move and be close to my friend and his kids.

I had been here for 2 weeks when we had a night to ourselves and we started talking. We both opened our hearts and although we were scared of getting hurt and scared of loosing the great friendship we had if it didn’t work out we felt it was worth the risk of being a couple.

It has just passed the first anniversary of Zac’s death. Leif is still grieving. There are times when I feel guilty that I shouldn’t be here. Leif tells me every day how happy he is and how happy I make him. I understand that he is not 100% happy and probably never will be. I also understand deep down that its not because of me or anything I have done but at times it takes a lot to get past that guilt. I know he wishes Zac hadn’t died and we both know that had he not then we probably wouldn’t be together but he is happy that I am here as much as he could be.

The friendship Leif and I had up until Zac’s death was via the phone or the net. He moved interstate 6 weeks after I moved next door to him. His x wife got a job here and one of the things I fell in love with him for has now become my curse. The way he respects his x wife I have not seen another male do before. But the big thing was wherever his kids are this man is no matter what difficulties it does to his life. (my boyfriend and his x wife have 5 children 3 are his step children but the youngest was only 6 weeks old when he came into their life that he is the only dad they know their father has been in and out of their lives as he pleases not realizing the destructive path he leaves behind for the kids)

I feel guilty a lot of the time because I always said there’s tomorrow. Whenever I was invited to visit there was always a reason why I couldn’t make it. Couldn’t get time off work, never had the money, there was always something else preventing me. Because of this I never got to meet Zac. I also felt in my heart that if the accident never happened; if Zac never died perhaps I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today. Am I really allowed to be happy or am I living in an evil relationship and should I leave.

Christmas eve Leif and I had a small augment over this where for the first time I actually said the words of what I was feeling. Until then I had felt them but never voiced them. Leif’s reply was perhaps the reason I am here now and we are together now is so that I can help him through what he is going through. I cant grieve with him, I don’t know the pain of loosing a child, I never knew Zac but by just being here and making his days better, giving him something to look forward too and him knowing im here with a hug the times he needs them perhaps that’s my reason for being here and the fact we make each other happy is a bonus.

The above deals with the grief and guilt…… but there’s more…..

As I said my boyfriend moved down here because his x wife got a job down here. My boyfriend is a giving man. He would do just about anything for anyone. His x wife is a very needy person. Cant or wont do much for herself. Says she don’t know how to do something so my boyfriend will do it for her and he does. He is slowly stopping doing as much for her but she is still a part of our daily lives.

His x wife and I get along ok. We will never be best friends and at times it is hard. However I believe its better for the children that we are at least civil to each other not to mention a lot easier on my boyfriend as well. What makes it hard is up until I came along it was almost as if they were still in a relationship with each other but just living in separate houses as my boyfriend still visited her and the kids every day and still did almost everything for her. Then he started doing things for me. Whenever they fight its always you would of done this before Sarah was here…. Ect well of course he would I wasn’t here and I wasn’t his girlfriend.

It wasn’t like he was cheating or anything as she has her own on again off again relationship and has since she got here. She was also the one who asked him to leave back in 2003. But I am sure she feels that I have come in and broken a family. As I said though we get along ok and even have decent conversations at times and she has never said anything to me personally just in her attacks on my boyfriend when she is upset about something.

The children and I get along really well I love them as if they are my own and they love me. Even though it has only been 6 months that my boyfriend and I have been together I couldn’t love these children anymore if they were my own blood however I cant have children. Leif’s x was hurt in the accident and was in and out of hospital the first half of the year. Also she is not coping with her own grief and cant cope with the children a lot of the time so we have them. At first it was hard for me coming in as a single person having the man I have loved for years finally but have to share him with 4 other young people and not only that I wasn’t used to being around children especially for long periods of time. The bond is growing between the children and I. I will tell them I love them when they leave the house or go to bed. Some times they reply with I love you too other times they don’t. but the times when they say it to me first and give me a hug of their own are the most special times to me. It makes every bad second I have so much worth it.

 
Old 01-08-2007, 06:14 PM   #3
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sarahjau HB User
Re: i need someone to relate...

The children have told their mother that I call them my step children. Unlike Leif I cant and wont call them my children directly because unlike not having their real father around their mum is here and she does love them I will never take that away from her I don’t want to. But Leif’s x’s reply to the children was that I couldn’t possibly love them as much as she can. She also feels that Leif cant be grieving like she is. There’s nothing I can say that would change her mind so I have said nothing. New years eve I was talking to Leif’s x on messenger trying to help with her grief and she said that I had better go because I had to play games with “her” family. As it was only 3 days away from the anniversary of Zac’s death I kept my mouth shut even though those words hurt me to the bone and all I wanted to do was scream at her that there was now 2 family’s not just “hers” especially when the children were here a lot more than at her place.

I know this sounds like im bitching about Leif’s x im not really. She is a nice person. She isn’t someone I would befriend in general but she does have some good traits. However her neediness of my boyfriend is starting to frustrate me. She is constantly there and when she’s not there she calls and tells him she needs something. Leif has survivors guilt from the accident and also blames himself for her injuries so he tends to whatever it is she wants. For the most part I am ok with this but its nights like last night that get me angry the most. We had the kids from Friday night until yesterday afternoon. I minded the 2 young ones during the day my boyfriend took his son to work with him and the children’s mum took the eldest girl to the dentist.

Leif drives anywhere between 400-800klms a day for work. It was 7.30pm we were relaxing I was cleaning the mice cages and my Leif was watching one of his favorite shows. It was half way through the show at 8pm when she called. She wanted some panadol for her daughter. She had known about the dentist appointment for a week now. she knew her daughter was getting teeth removed. She was here to pick up the young kids yesterday after noon but yet she waited until 8pm at night to ask my boyfriend to give her some panadol. I was angry when he left. Not at him but at his x. I know that what Leif does he does for the kids and not for his x most of the time. And I knew last night he went because he didn’t want his daughter in pain. We didn’t want her in pain.

He was gone for 15 – 20 minutes then he came back and we spent a great night watching TV snuggled on the couch.

I also have a hard time with old friends who cant understand why I accept things for what they are when they hear Leif is at his x’s place or that he still does stuff for her. They warn me that im going to be hurt or that he is having a relationship with both of us or that he should tell his x to f off and all she should be is the mother of his children. I deal with the fact that his x is still in love with him and illusions herself with the hope that one day he will go back to her and that feels im wrecking a family. I also live with the fact that my x husband is telling every one that I have taken off with another man and cheated on him.

My life in June 2006 was very simple compared to what I have now. I lived alone only had to care about myself, did what I wanted went where I wanted. Woke in the morning went to work came home cooked dinner talked online then went to bed then for the weekends I just did house work and went out to where ever I wanted to go. Now I share a man with 4 children and an x. my family live 13 hrs away, I don’t hear from my x and I still don’t have another job and im getting used to being a mum of 4.

Its all worth it though for the times like last night that I have with my man. He is there when I need him to be and that’s the difference. 2 days ago I had chest pains I was in emergency for 9 hours having tests done and he was beside me the whole time. I was taken away for an xray and even though they said I would be gone for 5 minutes I still expected him to be gone when I got back but he was still there waiting for me.

We talk about Zac almost every day. I tell Leif that I am a step mum to 5 children and not just the 4 who survived the accident. I included Zac at Christmas time by decorating a photo of him and putting a cracker in front of the picture, while at carols by candle light the other 4 children let go of their balloons so their brother could play with them in heaven. I am always eager to hear whatever Leif has to say about him. Always let him talk about him.

Apart from what I have said about Leifs x I will add that it must also be as hard on her as it is on me. I mean after all I know what its like to love someone and not be with them I was in love with my boyfriend for 3 years before we got together. And she has tried. We spent Christmas day at her place and she had presents there for me from santa (I havnt had a Christmas present from any one for 16 years aprox) I have been there with Leif a few times for dinner ect, sometimes it has turned out well such as Christmas day sometimes not so well such as the anniversary of Zac’s death.

Leif’s x also was meeting her family (mum sister) for a holiday with the kids. She initially booked a cabin so Leif and I could go too (we only found this out recently) but her mum didn’t want me there even though we have never met. Leif also got a Christmas card from his x’s mum saying how much she thanked him for still being there for her family and no my name wasn’t on the card. To his x’s family he was a knight in shining armor. A single man come to rescue a single mum with 3 children and one a baby. They don’t want to accept the fact either that their daughter and Leif will never get back together. Leif’s x canceled the cabin she was going to get and we are not going.

I guess the circumstances between Leif and myself aren’t so different. Although they have shared custody of the children I know not many people would accept the life I live. In a way its what confuses Leif’s x because im the longest he’s had a relationship with since they broke up. She is starting to see that it will take a lot more than what is happening for me to leave. (Leif and his x wife were together for 7 years and he has not had a solid relationship for 4)

Leif says im amazing to put up with what I do but I don’t see myself as putting up with anything. I am a free woman. I don’t have to stay here. Im fiercely independent and do most things for myself where perhaps is what causes so much frustration between his x and I. Leif loves my independence as it gives him a little time to concentrate on himself and his x and I are similar in some ways but complete opposites in most things. She hates my independence and I hate the fact that she relies on Leif for so much. And its not so much because it takes things away from me. I just can’t understand how someone would want someone else who had driven such a distance in a day to get dressed again and go out and do something for them. Its beyond my thinking.
I choose to stay and why????? Because I love Leif and I can look into his eyes and know he loves me too. I also know that when I do need him and want him to be there he will be.

My advice for you is be as happy as you can be. Don’t stop yourself from going to family events because another family member will be there. I made a similar mistake on the anniversary of Zac’s death. I was under the influence that his x’s boyfriend was going to be there as well but because the house wasn’t spotless she told him not to go over. I also thought we were going to be watching dvd’s and playing games. I woke in the morning with a migraine. Leif told me to stay home in bed but I couldn’t do that I wouldn’t forgive myself for not being there for him. As it turned out the whole day was a stuff up with no real plans in place. Because his x’s man wasn’t there I felt a little uncomfortable I was trying to protect his x so I didn’t hug or kiss Leif. Because of this Leifs depression just got worse with him feeling like no one was there for him that day. Least of which my Zac’s name was mentioned once in the 4 hours I was there.

If your family and Darren’s immediate family accept you that is what is important. At first my mother wasn’t happy she and my father were together 35 years. When I told her that I no longer loved my husband she said yes you do you just have to work harder. But when I took Leif home for a weekend she saw how happy he made me and how different I am now and accepts him as a part of my life. Leif’s mum and sister and I met in early December since then I have had an hour long chat about anything and everything with her on the phone and we both talked about Zac’s x and Zac and the accident ect.

Remember the issues belong to the people who wont accept you for you. They are the ones with closed eyes and closed hearts. And while they might be grieving and miss your Marie they are the ones who need to accept things. You say Darren and Marie had been together a long time but you don’t say how long. They may not understand how if he was with someone for such a long time he could move on so quickly. Once again this is their issue. People grieve differently. Some take longer than others. Some need someone with them to help them through and love develops. You accept Marie and accept Darren and Marie had something special and you allow him to grieve. What more can you do. If anything Id be proud and accept you into my family.

There are times with my guilt that I ask Zac for a sign he is happy for Leif and I. Just as you are wanting Maries blessing. But in the end it’s the people that are here that matter and as you have said you have the blessing of your family, Darren’s family and even Maries parents be as happy as you both possibly can.

 
Old 01-08-2007, 06:30 PM   #4
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sarahjau HB User
Re: i need someone to relate...

When you said “On Marie's birthday Darren had a beach barbeque party to celebrate her life and Helen (his brother's girlfriend) was there, I didn't attend, and he took her aside and had a word...saying he is happy with me and asked her to try and do the same. But she blatantly refused then and still does. And by this point in time it's starting to upset Darren's family, as because she refuses to come around it's very rare that Darren and his brother are seen together for more than a brief moment as she "doesn't let" Sean hang around when I'm present.”

I feel for Darren. Next time don’t let anything or anyone prevent you from being by his side and giving him the support he needs. As for Darren’s brother not staying around long when you are there once again that’s his brothers and his brothers girls issue. Darren’s brother needs to tell her that if she doesn’t want to accept you that is her choice but just as she wants him to make her his number one in his life that is what Darren is trying to do with you. Darren’s brother needs to make his own choices by being there for as long as he is its not your issue or your problem and don’t let it be. Also if anyone should of stayed away possibly it was her. Yes she is entitled to grieve but also isn’t Darren’s feelings important too. After all he was the one in the relationship with her. Shouldn’t he get the love, respect and support that he wants too?

It kind of reminds me of Zac’s birthday last year. He would have been 14. I offered to travel down here to be here for Leif but Zac’s mum didn’t want me here. I thought ok I will respect that and let the family be together but as it turned out Zac’s mum had her boyfriend here and there was family friend here who were a couple but Leif was alone. He had to go through that night on his own.

“What am I to do as his "new love"? I'm hoping someone who has been through this or similar from either my side of things or Darren's can shed some light... I'm thinking things will improve in time but in the meantime I don't want to be on edge...or have to avoid her... I didn't even go to his family Christmas dinner that Darren's mum invited me to as I knew she would be there and I didn't want to create an awkward situation for Helen, so I sat at home by myself instead.. but it can't go on like this. Is there anything I can do? Or is the ball in her court?”

I think you should start going to the dinners and family functions. If Helen wants to stay away that is her choice. Darren needs you and if you ask him what he would like you to do and he says to go then go and be beside the man you love. I wasn’t going to go to Leif’s x’s place on Zac’s anniversary. I thought I would be intruding and I thought I would make a fight by being there. I felt that I would upset Leif’s x by being there. I asked Leif what he wanted me to do and he said he would like me to be there. As I have said above without even realizing it I still protected Leif’s x by showing him no affection in front of her. I regret this even a simple hug I believe would of helped him. Also Leif’s x has said a number of times that I wasn’t even at Zac’s funeral and how can he stand that. I had no money at the time, I couldn’t get the time off and I was going through a marriage break up however I was here when I could be. Had I not gone that day to her place then it would also of been another thing for her to use against Leif and another thing to dislike about our relationship.

If you go to these family events and let Darren speak freely of Marie, if you are affectionate with each other generally don’t be overly so but don’t do what I did either and show none. By not going perhaps you are feeding their dislike of you…… yes be prepared that they may on the outside have the “how dare she be here” attitude and it may feed their opinion at first that you are trying to fill Maries shoes. But at the moment from what you have said they have the attitude that you want to fill Maries shoes anyway and by not going they could be thinking “she hasn’t even got the gall to accept Marie she’s not here where she should be she just wants to be his girlfriend and is glad she is dead ect.

As for the last statement it’s a hard one I live with within myself and im sure you feel it at times too. I am never glad that Zac is dead but I am aware of the probability that if he weren’t I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today. All I can do is say if I had a magic wand or time machine I would use it and bring him back regardless of what that would mean for Leif and I. But I don’t. I cant bring Zac back just as no one can bring Marie back but amongst the grief and the sadness Leif and I are allowed to live and be happy just as you and Darren are.

I read something when I was going through my marriage break up that I later found is just as good for Leif to know as well when he feels depressed…..

I choose to feel good about myself. I deserve to enjoy life, to ask for what I want and to accept it with joy and pleasure…………. Zac’s and Marie’s life ended not Leif’s and Darren’s.

Leif and I are agnostic. We don’t know if there is a God or Heaven but we do believe there is a reason for everything even if we don’t know what that reason is. Perhaps what Leif said to me on Christmas eve was so. That the reason we didn’t end up as a couple 3 years ago but we have now was so I could use the strength I have to help him through this.

“Marie was close friends with one of my friends, although our paths only crossed once and I never met Darren until some time after she passed away.”

Perhaps it’s the same reason for you. You didn’t meet Darren until the time was right. You could of met Darren and not been together, you could of met Darren and the attraction been too much and lust won and you had an affair, you could of met Darren and he left Marie for you (you could be sitting there saying all of that would never of happened but we just do not know) but this is how everything has happened.

Don’t let other peoples issues or misunderstandings or non acceptance of moving forward and moving on get in the way of a life you and Darren might have. If you can accept Darren had something special with Marie and has something special with her parents that is all that maters. You haven’t mentioned any children but if you and Darren are together and do have a child/children how lucky they will be by having not 2 sets of grandparents but 3 who love them.

Leif saw your post this morning and asked me to read it. He thought I might have a small understanding of what your going through. I don’t know if I have helped at all but I hope I have.

I wish you all the best with whatever your decisions may be. I would not be honest if I said there have not been times I have thought its been too hard and questioned if I can continue. But the love I have for Leif and the children is what keeps me here and that’s all that matters to me.

Good luck and all the best

Sarah

 
Old 01-08-2007, 11:16 PM   #5
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talkshowhost HB User
Re: i need someone to relate...

Sarah, I can't thank you enough for that reply. I read it and had tears in my eyes the entire time, it seems you understand exactly what Darren & I are going through... I will see Darren tonight & talk to him about it..I spoke to him today and I can hear in his voice that he is still upset and hurt by what Helen said to him...ah I just want to envelope him and protect him from it all..

I'm glad you clarified that they are Helen's issues, and not mine. I think sometimes I just feel awkward as she has been with Darren's brother for years and I have been with Darren for only months... so in some roundabout way I feel she has more "right" to be at the family events than I do. I know that's ridiculous and untrue. Darren needs me so next time I will be there - the anniversary of Marie's death in April will be the next...so we will see what happens then.

I will keep your advice and wise words with me always, thank you so much Sarah for that reply, I hope you can fathom how much it means to me to have that kind of understanding. I'll be repeating some of these things to Darren also, I think it will help us a lot.

Pass on my thanks to Leith also, I wish you both the very, very best. Thanks again, you have brightened up my start to the new year.

Take care,
Becka

 
Old 01-27-2007, 08:59 PM   #6
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sarahjau HB User
Re: i need someone to relate...

hey. I was just thinking about you and was wondering how things are going? I hope everything thing is well for you and darren.

Sarah

 
Old 01-29-2007, 07:26 PM   #7
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Re: i need someone to relate...

Hi Sarah

Everything with Darren & I is great, it gets better every day. This issue that came up with Helen was never resolved, we still haven't seen her. But I just remind myself that this is her issue, not mine, and I won't let it come between us.

We've only had one major hiccup, on Sunday actually, which was over something stupid & ridiculous I did a year ago before I met Darren... but it brought up big issues with him and he said things like questioning whether I mean it when I tell him I love him (and I promptly burst into tears at the mere suggestion) and he said he's scared he will lose me as he's lost so much in the past year and couldn't handle losing another love.

But we talked through it and it's all worked out and if anything we're better off & closer for it..

The day of Marie's one year is coming up soonish...no mention has been made of it yet... I have no idea what is going to happen on the day, I'm sure it will be ok but no doubt it will be a difficult day for Darren..

 
Old 02-20-2007, 05:36 PM   #8
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Re: i need someone to relate...

Hi Becka,

I hope things with darren are well.

hoping things with the rest of the family are working out ok with you too.

I came back to see if you had posted and re read your last post and something struck me.


Quote:
Originally Posted by talkshowhost View Post

We've only had one major hiccup, on Sunday actually, which was over something stupid & ridiculous I did a year ago before I met Darren... but it brought up big issues with him and he said things like questioning whether I mean it when I tell him I love him (and I promptly burst into tears at the mere suggestion) and he said he's scared he will lose me as he's lost so much in the past year and couldn't handle losing another love.
Im going through a similur thing with Leif at the moment.

things from my past have been bothing me since december. because of this I have been stressed with the children and with still having no job. leif feels he is partly holding me back because we live in a rural town and knows if we were in a city id have almost no problems of getting work.

Leifs x dosent want to move back to qld and so this is where we have to stay. Leif without his children is not a good thing. even if we go away for a weekend he thinks of them and has to call them lol (this is a good thing)

there are also issues with leifs x as there always will be. Leif is worried I will get fed up with the kids or with not having a job and leave.

I have explained to leif that while he has always been in the childrens lives and met their mother when his eldest was only 3 he was also in his mid 20's.

I am 30 have not had children of my own and learning to be a step mum to 4 with 1 being ann 11 yr old girl going on 20 and a 13 yr old boy. and 2 young ones. it has only just been 7 months and im still adapting.

as for the money I know we are strugling to pay the bills at the moment and I have asked if he wanted me to move to a city to send money home but he always says no. if theres a choice between living in a city with a job getting lots of money but living without the man i love and his 4 children or staying here even if we are broke and having his arms around me then id choose the last one.

sure if leif hit me or abused me in any way id leave like lightning. but he wont.

the hard times are not over yet. im about to start some counciling for being abused as a child and the next couple of months are going to be really hard. but i know with the love we have for each other we will get through it.

Sarah

 
Old 04-05-2007, 10:31 AM   #9
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Re: i need someone to relate...

Sarah, I hope you'll see this..just thought I'd give an update on things with Darren & I (and Marie!) And if you do read it, please reply and tell me how you are.

Well, Darren and I are as close as ever...I love the boy to bits, I want to spend my life with him, I know that now..but that's not really related to this (don't get me started on how I love him as you'll never hear the end! hee hee)

Hmmm next Thursday is the anniversary of Marie's death. A very big day. Darren has asked me to go to Marie's beach with him. That is where they spread her ashes. I have been there with him a couple of months ago too.. So we will go there and sit on the beach and bring her some flowers. A gorgeous thing happened last time Darren brought her flowers to the beach, they washed out to sea and off down the beach a bit, then the waves brought the flowers back in, and some children playing by the sea picked them up and were running all around playing with them and having the best time. It seemed like it was Marie giving the flowers on to someone else and continuing to bring happiness. It was lovely

So anyway, we will be going to the beach together, and I am so glad I will be there with Darren as it will no doubt be a hard day for him and I want to do everything I can to support him and just...be there.

Oh, last weekend I met Marie's family. Another big day. It was by accident. See, her parents own a building company (they're building Darren's new house right now..) and they just put Darren's name down for a block near the beach, so we went for a drive down to see it..and we drove right past them..they were giving Marie's little sister a driving lesson. I didn't say more than "hi" and a smile to them as I was in the car still... but I was introduced, and it was nice to see them. And Marie's sister smiled this genuine, beautiful happy smile at me. And I don't know why but it just made me feel so good, I was on a high for the rest of that day. Maybe because she looks so much like Marie, it almost felt like the smile was coming from Marie, showing that she is happy for me to be with Darren. That might sound ridiculous, I can't even explain... but Marie's family are so important to Darren and they have done so much for each other, I want nothing more than for them to like me and that I'm good for the man their daughter loved so much.

A friend I told that to thinks it's "weird" for me to want to know Marie's family a little bit, she thinks I should see it as "in the past".. but it's not, she is all around us and her family are here still, and I think it would be very rude for me to try and erase her. Sometimes it is difficult, as someone said to me once - I can hardly compete with someone who has been immortalised. But it's not a competition, it's my life and I need to get on with it. And I think I have found a sort of peace over time. The way I think of Marie is not as a shadow over my relationship with Darren, I see her as a blessing and Darren and I as fate. Now I don't know why someone would bring Marie into this world and make her such a beautiful person all round only to have her life cut short for no reason at all, I think she was an angel of sorts. (I don't know how to explain it, but I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and Marie's life has a lot to do with it...)

Oh also, if you remember me saying how Darren's brother's girlfriend refuses to socialise with Darren's family if I am around? Well, that situation hasn't changed a single iota. But it doesn't bother me (..much) now, it's her issue - not mine! Darren is my focus, not her.


well i guess that's it so far, things are good for the mostpart

xx

 
Old 05-19-2007, 06:46 PM   #10
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Re: i need someone to relate...

Hi Becka,

its good to hear from you. im so sorry I have only just seen this post.

I hope things went well for you when you went to t the beach. Leif and I are so happy to hear things with darren and you have improved and that you are happy.

It was wonderful to hear that you have met Marie's family and the outcome has been wonderful.

A few weeks ago Leif and I attended a service by a grief counciling group here in town. They opened a childrens memorial garden and we had Zac's name and a message painted onto a stone and laid. the night the garden was open it was dark and raining so leif just put the stone in the garden near a fountain. the familys who had stones also placed a floating candle in the fountain.

it was a beautiful thing to see then we all went into the office for refreshments. we stayed there for about an hour and leif talked to some of the other grieving parents then we went to look at the stone once more before leaving. By that time there was just one candle left glowing and almost gone out but got a little brighter.

we cant be sure it was zacs candle as they all looked alike but wed like to think so.

things are going well here. Leif and I were having issues a few months ago. Im almost 31 and realising now my clock is ticking and I was feeling maternal and wanted to have my own baby. I dont think Leif wants any more children and right now we cant afford one anyway.

Then on mothersday last sunday The children woke me with a card and a gift and said happy mothers day. I have said from day 1 that leifs children are my children as well but because their mother is in their lives and not a biach that I kind of still felt a bit like just their dads girlfriend.

The card and the words inside it are like a bar of gold to me. the gift was special because their mum took them shopping to buy it. yep thats right my partners x wife took her children shopping to buy me a mothers day gift.

I may never have a child call me mum or mummy but sunday made me realise that its just a title and a name. the children see me as their second mum and they love me with all their heart as do I them.

marie will always be a part of your life. if you wernt with darren then she would be a part of their life. I think its great that you want to know her family. a few months ago Leifs x was in hospital again from an infection in a wound from the accident. while there Leif's sister sent her some flowers. should I feel wierd about this? I dont see why since she is still the aunt of her children and nothing will ever stop that.

things that seem wierd or abnormal to everyone else dose not mean it cant be normal for us. so long as we are comfortable with what is happening and not just settling because we are scared to be on our own then nothing else matters and we have a right to enjoy what we have.

Take care and let me know how you are keeping and what happened on the beach.

Sarah

 
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